Sunday Night Hurt...Alot

Sunday Night at the Ring I could've lived without. The teaching lately has been over Psalm 23. This week it was over Psalm 23:3, 42:5,11, 43:5 and Jeremiah 2:13. The topics were settling and being downcast. In a nutshell, drinking muddy water and building your own cistern because you are settling is a bad idea. It kills you slowly and doesn't let God lavish His amazingly wonderfully huge plans for you. The Shepherd takes care of us, but a lot of the time we settle instead of waiting and trusting the Shepherd to know better than we do. This "don't settle" phrase is usually used for dating relationships, but it can be tied to anything that we do. Ok, fine, I'm not in a dating relationship. This doesn't apply to me. I'm ok, you're ok. We're all fine in the imaginary world I've dreamed up. But God had other ideas for me that night. It was high time I faced the music as to what's really going on in my heart. I've totally settled. Ouch. That doesn't feel good.

I managed to go from I'm doing just fine to turning into a complete ball of tears and snot as the terrible truth and I came to face to face. I love to serve. It gives me joy to love and serve others in any capacity I can find. When I started serving way back when I first came to the Ring, it was to honor God with my actions. It was all about God and serving Him by serving others. Recently, almost without me noticing, it has turned into being all about me and serving one. And that one was not God, that one was me. So Sunday night I faced the pain, heartbreak, shame and embarrassment that I had shifted my focus from God to me and my desires. This is not what God has planned for me and I know it. So now I'm trying to backtrack and get back where I need to be. Firmly ensconced in His arms and doing His will, not mine. Easier said than done. I'm tired of struggling with the same crap that I give over to Him daily, minute by minute sometimes. Is this the life that God has called me to? Weak and struggling with my own selfishness? I'm not a coward. I fight for what I believe in. I just don't fight for myself. I will trust God in a heartbeat to work a miracle in other's lives, but He's not big enough to work a miracle in mine. When did I become a girl that settled? When did I limit God? What arrogance!

So now begins the humbling process of me coming back to God. He's there with open arms, calmly waiting for me, I just still feel sheepish about the whole thing.