I See What I Wanna See

I went to the eye doctor today. In hindsight, I should've asked someone to take me, but anyone I'd think about asking to take me has a real job and taking me to the eye doctor would not have been a highlight to their day. Me and my pride get along well as you can see. We're the perfect couple. So I go to my optometrist and she gives me some new contacts. I frankly like my glasses, but occasionally the need arises that contacts would be better. Like cleaning up muck in Chalmette for example. So I pop in the new pair. They feel like silk on my eyes. Ahhh, it feels like my eyes are sighing. Yep, a definite step up from the pair I usually wear. Its like comparing sandpaper to silk. There's really no comparison. So I'm chatting with her about the contacts and she asks me if I want to dilate my eyes. Let me give you a little background into my world of vision. When I say I can't see three inches past my nose, I'm not being cute. I literally can't see. When I go to bed at night I place my glasses squarely by my alarm clock so they won't get knocked off. If I wake up and they are gone, I try not to freak out. I'm helpless. And I don't do helpless well. If my glasses get knocked off my face or anything like that, I'll freeze and not move. Someone has to guide me to where they are or I just drop to my knees and start feeling with my fingers as they strain to reach for my glasses wherever they've gone. Growing up, my eyes have always been bad. Now that I'm an adult (ha!) they've slowed somewhat. Which is a good thing, but I still need to stay up to date in my care of my eyes because I run a greater risk of problems since I'm so blind. I agree to get them dilated. Here's what happens. She drops a dye into each eye, then waits for 20 minutes as they go numb. Then when my pupil is dilated enough, she shines a light in them to look into the back of my eyes for any problems. Driving is not a good idea, and light is literally painful. The effects last for 4-6 hours. It sounds like cake. In reality, she gives me a tissue first. This is for the dye that will my eyes will be straining to push out by tearing up. So I lean back, she drops a drop in. I have to keep my eye open and head back as she does it again to the other eye. I use the tissue to wipe at my eyes. The dye is this bright yellow color. My roomie says, like pee? Yes, like pee. That really bright pee that means you've had too much caffeine. So my eyes are "peeing" at this point. Now's the really fun part. I go out into the waiting room and sit there as my eyes begin to go numb. Its such a weird feeling and I never get used to it. I have to remember to close my eyes when I wipe them because I wouldn't be able to feel the tissue if it was scratching my eye. Yeah, no pressure. So my pupils get bigger and bigger to where you can't see the green part anymore. Like a cat. You know how when they are really content, the black part of their eyes are little slits? But if they are freaked out, you can't see any of the color? That's what dilating your eyes does. So they are finally ready to be looked at. Yeah, that whole "minor sensitivity to light" in actuality is razors of pain as she shines this knife of light into my eye. Yee-ouch. But my eyes are healthy and looking good. All this time I'm asking her about eye problems being hereditary. I don't want this for my children. The moral of this story? Don't pick on the kid with glasses. We've got enough to deal with.....