So So Steward

Please don't judge me too harshly, it's not easy to type this.

"Is that all you're eating?" If I had a nickel for every time I've been asked that I'd be a rich woman. I don't eat a lot. Ever. I snack. A half a granola bar here, a few french fries there. Just enough to keep me going. Well, my body has had enough of that. And it's telling me. It started a few months ago with my hair. Every time I washed it in the shower, I'd shed. A lot. It was a little disconcerting, so I tried a different conditioner thinking that would do it. Nope. Just hair everywhere. I could sit there and just pull out pieces of it. Wet or dry, it didn't matter, it still came out. Then I went to my hairdresser and told him that I shed a lot. He said, o, it's because you've got naturally curly hair, don't worry about it. And I didn't. My mother and sister started asking about my weight. People here see me all the time so they don't notice if I lose a few pounds here or there. Meanwhile, my size 2 jeans are loose. Which sucks. Fast forward to the fact that my bloodwork from all this medical stuff came back and I've got to schedule an appointment to talk with my doctor about it. Usually it's a you're good, don't come in. Well, not this time. This time I have to go discuss the results with her.

I think this is the part where I tell you I don't have an eating disorder. I'm not anorexic or bulimic. I'm just busy. I'm always doing something. Whether it's work, having coffee with people, CG, the ring, or just hanging out, there's always people for me to love on in my life, or opportunities to serve. And that means putting them above myself. And when I do sit down to eat, I can't eat a huge amount of food. I've tried force feeding myself and it's quite possibly the most miserable thing ever.

My stewardship comes into play here. I'm piss-poor when it comes to the whole body is a temple thing. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or anything like that. I just don't eat. Not out of spite. I don't hate myself or not know who I am in Christ. I know who I am, I'm just really busy. Always on the go. I would love to not get asked about my weight or how much I eat. I'd rather people know they are loved then wonder about how skinny I am. I'd really like to be healthy. And I can't really love on others if I'm passed out somewhere, now can I? Ha ha.

Gosh y'all this is totally random. And leaves me very very vulnerable. But stewardship has been on my mind lately. If everything I do is an act of worship to God, then I should be taking better care of myself.

So begins my journey to a hopefully healthier, less stubborn me.