Tonight at the ring was, well, unique I guess. It wasn't my week to run the words on the screen so I was able to sit down in the rows of chairs for 5:45 prayer. When I'm running it, I hop up to the loft and make sure everything is in order, then pray for the time remaining until 6:15. So I was kind of excited to be sitting down with some of the body prepping the room for the service.
Josh's synopsis for this evening's service was that as the church we are called to be Jesus to everybody. Not just college students or senior citizens, everybody. So I sit down and start praying for the "everybody" I know. My co-workers, family, and friends. Then I start inviting God to honor us with His presence. I do it every week, invite God to church. Sometimes I can feel His breath on my face or Him holding my hand, then there are other times when I feel like He's a million miles away. Tonight was a little of both worlds.
Speaking of worlds, mine is covered in fear at the moment. Fear of the unknown, fear of being wrong, fear of being right. And I've been dreaming like crazy lately. Which is never a good thing. I only dream when things are dicey. It puts me on edge and I feel like I need to be ready for something big. I don't know what is around the bend. God is in control of it, even the parts I have a white-knuckle grip on. So as I'm praying about the unknowns that I find so terrifying, the tears and sobs come. It's a little embarrassing. I shouldn't be ashamed of the tears of my heart. Especially when I'm surrounded by those who I love and love me. And yet, for some reason its harder to admit I'm hurting to the ones I love.
So during 5:45 prayer, the mask slide off. I think its cuz of the tears and gentle sobs I was trying so hard to keep quiet. Or the fact that I just let go of the pride and told God every little thing spooking me at the moment. It was wonderful. To be held in His arms as I whispered everything to Him. And then it was 6:15 and I went to the restroom to wipe the snot off of my face. After blowing my nose, I glanced in the mirror and low and behold, the mask was back in place! It was amazing how fast it came back on. No one could tell that my heart was hurting. In fact, I was complimented on my appearance and how pretty I looked. Could no one tell that my soul was quivering just behind my eyes? So instead of looking for love, I went and loved on others. I'm way better at the latter than the former. I can love on pretty much anyone, but the minute the tables are turned and I'm asked to be loved by someone, I bolt. I think its the "if I keep you at arms length you can't hurt me" theory, but in the end I just end up hurting myself.
It's a good thing I don't have the authority to mess up God's will or I would have made things a lot hairer for myself.
1 comment:
I prayed for your appt. this morning. I know how scary it must all seem, my husband has seizures. Turning outward and loving others when you need it is the best way to love God. He does see what you are without your mask. God also loves you. He is love and that love casts out fear. Too,you are obviously loved by many people, whether you let them see how much you need it or not. Rejoice IN THE LORD. I sense that you already know all of this, but it never hurts to hear it again. In Christ, Colleen's Mom
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