My friend Nathan posted about his desire to be a husband and father recently. As I was reading his blog, a few things made me think. One, I didn't know men thought about wives and families. Two, I'm a frustratingly over analyzer of pretty much everything. Big things, little things, details, etc. What helps me remember your birthday and what would bring a smile to your eyes when turned inwardly makes me nitpick every wrong thing about me.
I have a post-it note on my computer that references 1 Peter 3:3a-4. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment...Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. He's talking to wives in this passage and I'm not one. Its not ok with my family, but its more than fine with me as long as I'm "of worth in God's sight." And last time I looked He said I was white as snow, so that's always nice to hear.
I don't have a gentle and quiet spirit at the moment. I've been fighting my heart for a while now, and I'm just weary today. My heart and mind are at odds. My mind holds to the rational, this is how it should be. My heart holds on to hope.
I'm trying to kill that hope and it's harder than I thought it would be. But I'm doing my best and trying to. In my effort to protect you from the crazy I know I am, I keep you at arms distance. I've been doing it with a lot of my friends lately. I do my best to check on you and see how you are, pray for you till I'm blue in the face, read your blogs, send you a text. Stay faded in the background but making sure you're taken care of. Its the best way I can show you how much you mean to me without actually spending time with you. And is the only way I figure to protect you from me. I have no problem admitting I love you enough to protect you from me.
Ann is great at calling me out on it. Just today she hadn't heard a good morning from me and was suspicious. I'm glad she followed her heart and snagged me. I need those, hey! snap out of it people in my life. She is definitely one of them. If I'm too quiet, or if God's just like, Ann, check on Allison, she consistently follows through with that. (I don't tell you nearly enough, but I appreciate you Ann!)
Today Katie asked me why inconsistent love annoyed me. What she didn't know was that I was talking about a female character in a tv show called lost. The character goes back and forth in the affections of her heart between two male characters in the show. I just don't think love should be like that. I think it should be steady, faithful. That's the kind of love I'd ask for, a stable hand to hold mine. I don't know that kind of love. I hope one day it will pursue me, but I kind of already feel sorry for my husband. He's going to have to sit me down and spell it out for me. And probably use small words....Ha ha. Because then I'm just going to try and convince him I'm not worth the trouble. Here's hoping he can call my bluff...
I have a post-it note on my computer that references 1 Peter 3:3a-4. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment...Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. He's talking to wives in this passage and I'm not one. Its not ok with my family, but its more than fine with me as long as I'm "of worth in God's sight." And last time I looked He said I was white as snow, so that's always nice to hear.
I don't have a gentle and quiet spirit at the moment. I've been fighting my heart for a while now, and I'm just weary today. My heart and mind are at odds. My mind holds to the rational, this is how it should be. My heart holds on to hope.
I'm trying to kill that hope and it's harder than I thought it would be. But I'm doing my best and trying to. In my effort to protect you from the crazy I know I am, I keep you at arms distance. I've been doing it with a lot of my friends lately. I do my best to check on you and see how you are, pray for you till I'm blue in the face, read your blogs, send you a text. Stay faded in the background but making sure you're taken care of. Its the best way I can show you how much you mean to me without actually spending time with you. And is the only way I figure to protect you from me. I have no problem admitting I love you enough to protect you from me.
Ann is great at calling me out on it. Just today she hadn't heard a good morning from me and was suspicious. I'm glad she followed her heart and snagged me. I need those, hey! snap out of it people in my life. She is definitely one of them. If I'm too quiet, or if God's just like, Ann, check on Allison, she consistently follows through with that. (I don't tell you nearly enough, but I appreciate you Ann!)
Today Katie asked me why inconsistent love annoyed me. What she didn't know was that I was talking about a female character in a tv show called lost. The character goes back and forth in the affections of her heart between two male characters in the show. I just don't think love should be like that. I think it should be steady, faithful. That's the kind of love I'd ask for, a stable hand to hold mine. I don't know that kind of love. I hope one day it will pursue me, but I kind of already feel sorry for my husband. He's going to have to sit me down and spell it out for me. And probably use small words....Ha ha. Because then I'm just going to try and convince him I'm not worth the trouble. Here's hoping he can call my bluff...
8 comments:
you've called me out a time or two, as i recall...
you state "I think it should be steady, faithful. That's the kind of love I'd ask for, a stable hand to hold mine. I don't know that kind of love."
yes you do... and HE is madly in love with you - all of you. HE is steady and true.
to answer your question - you don't kill hope. you place it in the only One that matters - God. He yearns for you to yearn for Him above all else in your life.
Yeah, I may have broken a man law or two.
I agree with Ann, you don't kill hope. For me, it's knowing that hope comes from Him and letting Him have complete control of it. Sometimes I have a hard time relinquishing that control, but it's something that I'm learning.
Cool thing is that you are not alone and have a fellowship taking this journey with you. And it is a joy to be a part of that.
Ann - Yes, I know His love. Its what keeps me sane. I was talking about a different kind of love. (Think Kate...) Even I have my moments of gosh, it would be nice to have a human hand to hold. (Why am I embarrassed to admit that? Hmmm.)
Nathan - Ha ha. Man law. And is it weird that when I read the word fellowship my mind went straight to lord of the rings? So sad...
Actually, my question was,"how do you measure the consistancy of love?" You see in my mind, which i will gladly admit is often naive, the fact that love is LOVE makes it consistant. LOVE, if that is truly what it is no matter how seldom or frequently it is given cannot be mistaken for any thing else but what it is, "at least in my mind and heart." NO the love that you talked about between characters on a tv show i don't believe that is LOVE. Lust, maybe sometimes manipulation, or just a despiration for contact and not waiting to figure out which one if either of them she loves, or love her for that matter. In truth it is a TV show and and has very little basis in reality. I don't think real life changing soul nourishing ideas like LOVE can be discussed in real ways with this show as a basis.
Real LOVE, like the love i feel for you my dear friend. OR let's pick the best example HIS love for you cannot not be mistaken.... LOVE is consistant.
As far as hope for a singular Love, for a man to hold your hand and worship and serve alongside you. It is a hope/ desire given by HIM it is not yours alone to kill. I want to encourage you to nurture it. Do not put it away in a box or put specifics or restrictions on it. It is not your own, to do with as you please. It is HIS, seek what HE has to fulfill that hope. Start again wash away all the ideas you had about the person to fulfill that hope, and ask GOD what HE wants him to look like. Whoever he may be is better than any idea you can come up with,i promise, better yet HE promises.
I was kind of wondering how this post would go over. I'm not even sure it makes sense in my mind, much less when it spills out from my fingertips.
I was just talking to one of my girls about this post. She was wondering what I'm so scared of. She very matter of factly said "you shouldn't be like that... don't hide who God made you from people, look at you, it's hard for you to keep it in, and it's causing you to keep a distance from people." Sharp intake of breath because she's hit real close to home...
Katie - I truly love that He's using all of you to smack some sense into me. I'm completely uncomfortable talking about men in relation to me, but I won't delete your post. As uncomfortable as I might be to hear it, your words have value and I will not steal them away.
i'm very aware of the tangible love you were writing about - you are not alone in the desire for a spouse, kids, a family...
has it occured to you that as long as you're looking this hard for tangible love, and telling HIM what you want it to look like, that you are disallowing HIM to work in your heart and your life, to prepare you for the one HE has for you?
my heart wants to tell you how beautiful you are, but you'll likely blow me off. so, i'll repeat what i wrote earlier - HE yearns for you to yearn for HIM above all else in your life.
yearning for anything or anyone more than you yearn for God breaks HIS heart.
i know what it's like to enter into a relationship without being completely grounded in Christ, and who i am in Christ, and it was horrible. i can only speak for me, dear one, but experience has taught me to value HIM above all - what HE thinks, how HE feels, what HIS plans are for me... i am totally surrendered to that. the only way i can say that is because i have learned that HIS heart is good, that HE loves me, and HE has placed those desires in my heart, and HE will be the One to fulfill them.
I'm not looking for tangible love. I'm faithfully rejecting the mere idea of it before it even heads my way.
As for the yearnings of my heart, that's something only He knows, and I am beginning to scratch the surface. I barely know it, much less His will for it. But I do know my heart is in His hands. And hopefully my actions show accordingly...If you see me as breaking God's heart, I can't tell you how much that saddens me. I can only keep trying to follow His leading. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I make Baby Jesus cry... :)
Kirk I really enjoyed your comment. (Yeah it still bugs me when people say they go to the Ring to meet someone. Although I gotta admit, I go to the Ring to meet Someone too...)
I do appreciate your view of singleness and the life and opportunities God has given you with it. Thanks for the wisdom and smile I got from reading your words...
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