Someone Else's Future Husbands...

A friend of mine recently gave me a gift. He gives me really good things to read and this time it was "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?" by Carolyn McCulley. Now before you freak out and think I'm writing this from inside the walls of a nunnery, hear me out...

I myself have issues with commitment. Especially of the marriage kind. Yes, I'm a girl, and let's face it, in my weakest moments I think Gosh, this would be easier if someone was fighting for me. However, at this time, 9:59pm on November 20, 2006, I question my desire for it. I think it sometimes gets in the way of my relationship with Him. I think its more of a want of mine than a desire from Him. I don't need anyone to complete me. Jesus is more than I could ever ask for. And yet why do I have the desire for human companionship? (It's rhetorical, don't answer it please...)

In the book it talks about using the opportunities, years, decades, minutes God gives you as single women to minister to those around you. It also said that in a godly marriage, the two of them serve God together and are even more effective as a pair than they were alone. That sounds amazing and definitely representative of the few godly marriages I have the privilege to see.

It says a lot of good things, some that are relative to me in my life and some that aren't. The proverbs 31 chic is mentioned in the fact that her role as a wife didn't define her. She was already a lot of those things before she was a wife. And it says that we are worth 100% of his attention when he's pursuing us. Yeah, I struggle with self-worth, who doesn't these days? I cringe to think that I'd have to convince someone to be interested in me. That's NOT God's idea. I think that's the best, and most manipulative, way to start off on the wrong foot.

It also mentions that we as single women should treat single guys like someone else's future husbands. I had to go back and read that a few times before it sunk in. And then made me look at the friendships I have with the men I hold as dear friends, single and married alike. Do I treat them the same? Married and single? Do I look at you and think, yep, someone else's hubby right there?

Because let's face it, if there is a whisper of anything in my single guy friends, my God-honoring responsibility to both of us is to tug on His shirtsleeve, ask Him about you, and then leave you on that altar. If God deems it a wise idea, He'll let the guy know if I'm to catch his eye and more importantly invest his heart in. Its amazingly humbling to realize how many friendships I've ruined, past and present, because I didn't leave you on the altar where you belonged.

But in all this, I hope to look back one day and think that I took advantage and loved as many people as I could while I was single. This too shall pass... And I want to hear good and faithful servant, not look back and think that I wasted time worrying about me instead of loving on others...

I'm not sure if any of that made sense...

Never a Mere Mortal...

Last night I babysat again. Kaitlin and Connor came. Kaitlin is 5 and her brother Connor is 3. They come tearing into the room, Kaitlin is smiling and calling me Ms. Allison and running to give me a hug. I help her take off her coat, then its Connor's turn. As I'm doing this, their mom says, Kaitlin just absolutely loves you. She was so excited to come today and couldn't stop talking about seeing you. I'm not sure what to say to that, so I just tell her we have a lot of fun playing together. Which is entirely true.

Her mom leaves and Kaitlin comes over to hug me. I ask her about school today and what new words she can spell. She's in the middle of spelling something like bus or dog and stops and says, Ms. Allison, I like you. I was certainly caught off guard. That this child wanted my time and attention. We hang out one night a week for a little over two hours and she likes me. I don't understand it at all but it sure is nice. I'm pretty sure God loves on me through those children.

I was telling a friend of mine this story this morning and his response was "Yes he did, and a large part of it is that you allowed "the Jesus in you" to be apparent to the little one, and Jesus is very attractive to those who need Him...plus you are fun, you just have to admit it."

He knows I'm a C.S. Lewis fan so I always perk up when he gives me anything along those lines. This is what he sent along with talking about the Jesus in me, who is the same Jesus in you by the way....

C. S. Lewis on the fact that you've never spoken to a mere mortal:

It may be possible for each to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbor. The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbor's glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilization--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendors. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner.

Higgs in the Driver's Seat...

Here is my nephew Higgins and his dad, Munch. They're in Mom's car...
And looking at his face makes me smile...

How Do I Kill Hope?

My friend Nathan posted about his desire to be a husband and father recently. As I was reading his blog, a few things made me think. One, I didn't know men thought about wives and families. Two, I'm a frustratingly over analyzer of pretty much everything. Big things, little things, details, etc. What helps me remember your birthday and what would bring a smile to your eyes when turned inwardly makes me nitpick every wrong thing about me.

I have a post-it note on my computer that references 1 Peter 3:3a-4. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment...Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. He's talking to wives in this passage and I'm not one. Its not ok with my family, but its more than fine with me as long as I'm "of worth in God's sight." And last time I looked He said I was white as snow, so that's always nice to hear.

I don't have a gentle and quiet spirit at the moment. I've been fighting my heart for a while now, and I'm just weary today. My heart and mind are at odds. My mind holds to the rational, this is how it should be. My heart holds on to hope.

I'm trying to kill that hope and it's harder than I thought it would be. But I'm doing my best and trying to. In my effort to protect you from the crazy I know I am, I keep you at arms distance. I've been doing it with a lot of my friends lately. I do my best to check on you and see how you are, pray for you till I'm blue in the face, read your blogs, send you a text. Stay faded in the background but making sure you're taken care of. Its the best way I can show you how much you mean to me without actually spending time with you. And is the only way I figure to protect you from me. I have no problem admitting I love you enough to protect you from me.

Ann is great at calling me out on it. Just today she hadn't heard a good morning from me and was suspicious. I'm glad she followed her heart and snagged me. I need those, hey! snap out of it people in my life. She is definitely one of them. If I'm too quiet, or if God's just like, Ann, check on Allison, she consistently follows through with that. (I don't tell you nearly enough, but I appreciate you Ann!)

Today Katie asked me why inconsistent love annoyed me. What she didn't know was that I was talking about a female character in a tv show called lost. The character goes back and forth in the affections of her heart between two male characters in the show. I just don't think love should be like that. I think it should be steady, faithful. That's the kind of love I'd ask for, a stable hand to hold mine. I don't know that kind of love. I hope one day it will pursue me, but I kind of already feel sorry for my husband. He's going to have to sit me down and spell it out for me. And probably use small words....Ha ha. Because then I'm just going to try and convince him I'm not worth the trouble. Here's hoping he can call my bluff...

One Shy Lion & One Shy Leo

Last night I went to a halloween party. Which I'm sure a bunch of people did as well considering the season. I went with a cg to someone's house where they had hot dogs, balloons with glo-sticks for the kids, and of course as much candy a table could hold.

It was fun. I think I lost a lot of blood due to the mosquitoes, but it was so great seeing all the little kids dressed up. There were pirates and princesses and power rangers, faceless boys, fairies, and I even got to meet peter pan.

However, my favorites were these two brothers. In the daytime they walk around as a 3 and 4 year old named Joshua and John Cole, but on this halloween night, they were not little boys. Joshua was a Lion, and John Cole was Bob the Builder. Um, be still my heart, they were the cutest little things I've seen in a while. I didn't even know these boys but Joshua had little round cheeks with a huge puff of fur around his face, tripping over his tail a little when he walked up to the candy bowl. Then he pushed up his little wire rimmed glasses before shyly asking for a piece of candy. Just completely precious.

John Cole was just as cute. Excuse me, Bob, was just as cute. He had a yellow hard hat, toolbelt, very much the big brother. Except for the fact that his hardhat was tilted to the side a little because it was a bit big. And he knew exactly where his candy went, straight into his toolbox of course!