Fill in the Blank...

its late so i'm not sure how much this will make sense...

i've been at my church for 4.5 years. longest i've been anywhere as an adult. that's crazy. i've had some of the greatest moments of my life in that church, and some of the hardest challenges i've yet to face in my christian walk. i was telling my coworkers yesterday that working at the Southern University Katrina shelter was easily one of the best times of my life. It was hard, but that was a small price to pay for the honor of being able to love on those kids and parents.

tonight i was having my nightly phone call with courtney, talking about service projects in the community. i used to help out with that corporately and then it just kind of faded away. i don't know where it went, honestly. for a moment it was a brilliant promise, and then it kind of lost momentum. i still get emails from various organizations and it brings to mind what could have been, but just didn't. timing has never been my strong suit.

ah, what could have been. its a phrase that catches my attention lately. two years ago, i unwittingly began walking through the most maturing thing for my personal growth while being a part of this church. its not that my church is doing badly. at all. in fact, they are doing great. no longer a baby church, its learning and growing as it goes along.

sunday night the sermon was about openness, and trust, and being vulnerable with the people God has put in your life. the part i desperately wanted to hear is what happens when that only happens with 1/2 of that acquaintanceship, friendship, marriage, familial relationship, office, church?

what do you do when you've dragged God into a situation so achingly bittersweet and yet draws you closer to Him in your walk at the same time? that you've gotten it wrong so many times that every step is wobbly and unsure now? what's the best thing you can do to protect the ones you love from you? how far would you go not knowing what is best?

leave. stay. run. pray. shout. cry. laugh. point. stare. ask. whisper. plead. walk. fight. stop.

What to do with 26?

tomorrow i will turn 26. the big two six. i don't really know that means. i don't have big plans. probably a quiet evening at home. in fact, both of my roomies will be gone tuesday. one's loving on some kids at camp and the others loving on some kids up the road overnight.

i will go to work, and probably work through lunch cuz i saw court off to camp today...then maybe a run, and a table for one at pfchangs. and no i'm not telling them its my birthday.

i know people who see birthdays as a promise of the year ahead. (courtney.) what will happen, what won't. i look more back than ahead. have i accomplished anything? was my year spent wisely or unwisely?

do you ever have those moments when you're kind of like, hm, i really didn't see my life like this when i was little. no doldrums here. its been a good year. some parts hard, and the parts that make the hard parts more than worth it.

so lets take a look back at 25 for me. i've moved, but not back to texas. i'm employed, no buts there. i get to tell children stories and minus the shaky knees, i love it. i like baking in my kitchen. i know my heart most of the time. i'm single, but love fills every aspect of my friendships. i'm surprisingly ok with nesting. i will fight for everything i think you deserve. i love when kids want to play with me. i saw fatty in florida this year. i still blush. my brother in law finally got to see the real me. my church is a priority in my life. i've realized its not a bad thing to want to care for people. i found out my temper flares when i see something wrong. i try not to take myself so seriously anymore. i am still afraid of getting it wrong. i expect God's best for the ones i love. i still get shy sometimes. i love to laugh and dance around in my house when no one is home...

its been a great year! i know He's blessed me at 25. who knows what He'll do with 26?

Man who would be Different...

I get asked why I'm not married alot. Sometimes out of care, concern, nosiness, or rudeness. I don't mind people asking. Obviously I'm an open book. So why am I not married? A few reasons. One of them is fear. And its not that I don't think I'll ever get married, its just that any type of romantic attachment for this heart is going to require God holding one hand and "him" holding the other. And it'll have to be a lot of small words and gentleness cuz I'm not the most understanding of all that kind of stuff.

You see, coming from my background, marriage isn't exactly something I'm just itchin' to jump into. I think they take commitment, trust, all those very adult words that in the end mean two people, as well as God, decided that we are better serving Him together than alone. And yeah, for all my nerves over the mere idea of the sanctity of marriage, there is an ever increasing amount of hope that one day, maybe, I'll get to support a man who God has chosen for me.

In the meantime, I write him letters. Its nothing sweepingly romantic. Just me and my heart talking to him. Little things that like wondering if he's having a good day. If we've met before. If we'll meet in 5 years. How long God is going to continue preparing us for each other before He tells him to care for me. And no, I'm not posting one on here. They aren't for you. They are for him. And me. Like this blog. Its for our kids. Assuming by the time we have some the internet is still up and running and there's not some new fangled way to read about whats going on in everybody's world...

Almost...

I just got off the phone with my mom. I screened her call. I knew what she was going to say. But I called her back anyway. Hoping maybe this time would be different. I could tell her I was having a rough go of it and she wouldn't tell me what she usually tells me.

Nope.

I said I was having a hard time emotionally over the past two months. She recommended I back away from my church, get a part-time job, meet some new people and reminded me that I was alone. Mmm. Don't get me wrong, my mom has been very influential in helping shape who I am. She introduced me to Jesus. I'll always be grateful for that. I love her. And she loves me. But I've fallen short. Not so much that I'm a complete failure, I just don't quite measure up. Hair's too short, skin's too pale, still in Baton Rouge, don't make enough money, not a wife, still a part of the Ring. I'm almost a beauty. But not quite.

This week has been a bit of a refresher course that I don't measure up. I've gotten like 47 things wrong. This ain't no pity party. The only one who can claim responsibility for it is me. It stings but its true. I'm not below average intelligence. I complicate things. It doesn't start out that way, I just end up sticking my foot in my mouth. What is that saying about the road to hades being paved with good intentions?

I think its gotten worse as I've gotten older. There have been a ton of examples where the consequences of my mouth have hurt myself or ones I love. The newest examples are the hardest. Where I've damaged friendships that I held close, and I'm not a lady anymore to a group of people I respect. Oh, that one still hurts sometimes. All of it just reminds me of the selfishness that stares me in the face when I look in the mirror.

I might not be a lady, a wife, a perfect 10 in this world, but I'm worth something. My Lord thinks so. He made me the way I am. Even with my naive heart and foolish mouth...

But now, this is what the LORD says
He who created you, O Jacob,
He who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are Mine.
Isaiah 43:1

Happy beginnings...

I went to a wedding this weekend. And it was so lovely. The whole thing reminded you of the bride and groom everywhere you looked. It was great.

Courtney was my very lovely date. It was a bit far out of town so we left from work. She's putting on her makeup while I'm trying to figure out how to not get lost. But we made it to the church. Lots of little things brought a smile to my face that night...

The first was being escorted. Ok, in some things I'm confident as the day is long. Walking up an aisle by myself to a wedding is not exactly my idea of a good time. Court and I get to the beginning of the sanctuary. Court steps back cuz she doesn't want to be escorted. I lift my chin, smile with all the courage I can muster, and take the ushers arm...

He assumes we are on the grooms side. I gently reply that we are on the brides side, but appreciate the assumption that we'd be on the right hand side. The usher was the brides brother so we chitchatted up the aisle. Court disappears about halfway up the aisle. Um, ok. So he sits me down next to someone's mom. Not the brides. Just someones mom...

A little later Court comes to join me. Nothing like sitting there in a room full of people by yourself. A few strangers come sit with us. They were from Houston, he had taught in London, so we talked about Texas and London, etc. It was good times.

Then the wedding started. Everyone was beautiful. The women were lovely in a blushing pink strapless gown. The men very dashing in their tuxedos. And the bride was breathtaking...

Things that made me grin and tear up was when the groom came to meet his bride at the bottom of the few stairs the sanctuary had. He came bounding down the stairs. Not a goofy kind of run down the stairs. You could just see he was excited to be getting down to take her hand from her father and begin their life together. It was so great.

Then there was when they had just finished the ring part of the ceremony. They lowered their hands to listen to the officiant talk. But they kept them together. While the officiant is talking, he is rubbing her hand with his thumb. I don't even think he realized he was doing it. And that made it all the more sweet.

And of course their first kiss as husband and wife. Actually it wasn't even the kiss that made it stick out in my mind. I mean it was a wonderful kiss. But it was the second before it that made it special. She was literally glowing with happiness and smiling when the "I now pronounce..." part came up. She grinned into his eyes, kind of giggled a little, and he gently cupped her face and kissed her. Sigh... It was beautiful. Plain as that.

The reception was grand. There was a jazz band, food and lots of friends and family. There were a few antics of random dance moves from people as well as laugh out loud reactions to the garter toss and bouquet throw. Then a sendoff full of well wishes and bubbles...


All in all it was a wonderful way to watch a new beginning of something God had done. It was very cool to see that He had a hand in that night coming together...

Get God Grinnin'...

I've been thinking about this for a few days now. And every time I do, a little smile crinkles my eyes. Sunday night I went to church. I sit off in a usually deserted area of the gym. Not because I don't like people, I just tend to make sure they are taken care of instead of letting myself interact with Him. To remove the temptation to distract myself, I sit alone. Every once in a while, the section will fill up. Its fun because when the night starts out, its just me, but by the end of it, there are quite a few faces sitting behind or beside me.

This sunday, a friend of mine came and sat with me. Her daughter and boyfriend in tow. We chit-chatted during the greeting time, then the band struck up another tune for us to sing. We all start singing. That's when I heard them. She and her daughter. Singing to Him. It was really beautiful. One high and filled with light, the other soft and peaceful. Whatever my thoughts on marriage and children, it was very sweet to hear a mother and daughter worship together.

Sometimes I'll stop singing so I can hear my church praise God in song. Its the coolest thing. You can tell He's grinning when we praise Him. Most of the time I'm singing to the tops of my lungs, and admittedly I'm consistently out of tune. But I won't let those rocks cry out before I do...

Across the Universe...

Well, I'm on the mend. Right now I'm sitting with my roomies in my living room, there's a movie on, I've taken my meds, and there's a bowl of half eaten pecan pie and vanilla ice cream tempting me to finish it.

The past few weeks have been hard. However, God has been great through it. My friends have been great through it. There was a spell there where I was a bit worried. I'd cry everyday, pick fights just because, and wonder why every single thing I do is selfish.

Enough.

Enough of that. My God is inconceivably kind, even when life knocks me on my butt. Sure I'll cry, I'll piss and moan, and He will still be by my side. How amazing. I've always loved stability. And He is quite good at that. He's blessed me in ways that I could not even imagine. My family is so far away, but I can always call them. My friends love me through some of the most rocky times of my adult life, and when I so desperately want a place to call home, He gives me one. With two of the most lovely women of God I've ever had the privilege to know.

Jai guru deva om.

A wedding story...

So tonight I had a wedding. Memorable moments of the whole thing include:

No pastor at the rehearsal. I've yet to have a pastor attend the rehearsal.

During rehearsal the groomsmen were onstage not paying one single bit of attention to what they were doing so I had to snap at them like they were children. "Gentlemen, (snap, snap) I need you to pay attention for a few minutes. Get your gameface on." One of them muttered that they felt like they were in the army.

At the wedding:

My assistant was 45 minutes late.

I learned how to put cufflinks on. I thought they were supposed to fit snug on the cuff, but apparently not. There was a lot of room when I put them on the brides' dad.

The pastor remembered me. I thought he was making polite pastor conversation until he said my hair had gotten longer. Then we talked about how his daughter wants "curly cues" in her hair. I asked him how his church was going, and that I'd wanted to visit, but my heart was at the ring. He said that the ring was a good place to have my heart and his church was doing great.

I walked into the choir room to go get the ladies and get this shindig started. The pastor was in there and he led us all in prayer. He was praying for the bride to enjoy the day and calm her nerves. I didn't really understand his prayer until a few minutes later. As I'm telling them to line up, she asks me if she has time to throw up again. Poor darlin'.

Of course I told her no and switched out her sprite for her bridal bouquet...

Maybe she can be held...

Christopher is up to 3 lbs. 11 oz. They put him in an open crib yesterday. Jennifer (Ryan's wife) said he has discovered his hands and he's funny to watch. Taylor seems to be doing better with her breathing. They are going to try and change Taylor's ventilator to a cpap which is placed over the nose. Then they could hold Taylor.

I don't know much about babies. But it appears they like to be held. The older I get the more I realize that there's comfort in hugs, handshakes, high fives. Everyone needs to be cuddled once in a while. I guess I'd never realized that little one had never been held before. Maybe that will change soon...

Baby Update...

Sounds like Taylor is a little more stable now. Yesterday one of her lungs was closing up but they have done 2 breathing treatments and it is fine now. She is still draining and passing fluid. She's hanging in there. Jennifer (Ryan's wife) said she opened her eyes a lot last night when they were there. She did have a little poop which means her intestines are working some anyway. Who would have thought that would be important news? Even though the PDA (hole in heart) has opened back up, she is not having any symptoms from it. They will leave it alone until she is more stable and then they will do surgery on it.

Christopher is doing great...

How the Blue Dog House was found...

So I've been bragging about how unbelievable God has been with the whole house thing. I'm a firm believer in telling of how amazing He has been in peoples' lives so this is practicing what I preach...

Here's what happened. Carla, Court, and I were talking about how we needed to find some place to live. We just started driving around. Carla really liked her old neighborhood, so we went and drove around there. Courtney was spotter, Carla was the 'write down the number' girl, and I drove. We saw the house where our worship leader lives with his wife...

We saw a ton of for sale signs in the area, but none for rent. We keep driving around, up and down blocks. Then out of nowhere, Courtney's eagle eye sees two on one street. We go down it and there's a cute little blue house for lease. We squeal like the girls we are at how precious it looks and that its for lease, not purchase.

We pull into the driveway. Of course we get out and snoop around the place. The back gate is open but all the blinds were closed so we couldn't see anything. Carla is scoping out the back yard for the dog she wants, Courtney's already thinking paint colors and I'm wondering what my morning and evening commute are going to be like to work.

Not having one iota of a view of the interior of the house, we knew we had a long way to go before this could even be a possibility for our home. It'd have to have 3 bedrooms/2 bathrooms, be affordable for all three of us, and be in a good neighborhood where three sets of parents won't have to worry about their girls in a home by themselves. As we are parked in the driveway talking about it, we decide we are going to definitely call the leasing office.

As we are leaving the driveway I say, hey! let's pray over the house. Court says, huh? I explain my weird random comment. Well, if this is the house for us, I want God to be involved throughout the whole process. Including us just looking at it. They agree. Court says, you wanna lay hands on it? Nah, we'll just pray in my car for it. So that's what we did. Asked God to be in control of this and if He wanted to spoil three of His girls with a pretty blue house, please feel free...

We talk to an agent and saturday was open for us to view it. We go see it. Ask the leasing agent to give us a few minutes, and then discuss. We love it. Yeah it needs paint. But its perfect for us. I mean really. Carla had a washer and dryer we were going to have to find a place for, however, we walked in and the laundry room is empty. Fridge, dishwasher, stove, microwave, everything BUT a washer and dryer are included with the house. Any maintenance questions I asked were always responded with a, just call the rental agency and we'll send a maintenance guy out. They are on call 24/7.

We'll do the paperwork this week. And maybe even get to go in and paint before we move. Which is wonderful. I still want God involved in all of this. That includes paint swatches and calling in favors to help three girls move and paint their new home...

Knives & Nuptials...

The great and not-so-great thing about moving around a lot is that no one ever really gets to know you. You can tell people only good bits. Or let people in enough to let them see the highs and lows. Your surprising successes and fabulous failures. That's the beauty of living like a gypsy. Its a choose your own adventure kind of thing when you get to a new place...

A friend asked me if I wanted to be married one day. I told her, uh, I think I'll pass. Which could be seen as weird, but since I was ten years old, that's been my answer.

I don't think I'm much of a scaredy cat. If anything, I'm way too blunt for my own good. However, marriage is an idea that stops me in my tracks. I've learned a lot growing up about marriages. As I get older I realize how that learning has affected me. I sabotage anything that could even remotely have a whisper of a relationship. And I'm very good at it. I recently rearranged my room and found a stack of old journals from high school. One of the running themes in it is a prayer asking God that if I had to fall in love with a mere mortal, it would be one time. And that he'd be just fine with walking very slowly with me. We could both be in love with Him as well as each other! We just wouldn't get married... It's fun that through journals you can see how much you've grown or how much you have left to grow...

The idea of trusting someone with every part of me is TERRIFYING. I'm not sure why people do that. They just give over all of themselves?! That's crazy! Ok, giving all of me over to God? Heck yes, in a heartbeat. But to a person? People betray/hurt/scar you. I know He won't ever do that. Not to me, not to you. Never. Ever. Ever. But we are not God. When a marriage succeeds, its beautiful and lovely and gets stronger for the challenges they've walked through. But when it fails, it fails horribly. A persons' world cracks in unexpected and long lasting ways.

God and I are working on this attitude of mine. We have been for a while now actually. Some of it is physical, but not for long, some of it is mental with my head giving me historical facts and figures; meanwhile, my heart is starting to have a bit of a say-so in this conversation. Its full of hope... Hope of what I honestly couldn't tell you. But its hopeful and trusting Him that He knows what He's doing with me...

"I Kiss Better Than I Cook..."

Its potluck time again at my church. Which is totally cool. There's something that kind of makes you feel like family when you're eating together... I think food does that to you. I don't know many people who hate eating. Heck, it relaxes me just sitting over a steaming cup of coffee... Back to my story...

The unfortunate part of this is that my name is Miller. M. They break all of us up into what we will bring by our last names. There are three categories. Main dish, side dish, and dessert. The basics of life right there. This time around, I'm a main dish. Gulp. MAIN DISH.

A friend of mine asked me what I was going to bring. I asked him if pizza rolls counted as a main dish. He then tentatively offered his wifes' cooking skills for my benefit. So sunday morning, I'll be at their house bright and early to learn how to cook a roast. I'm excited about it, but if I mess it up, I'm totally buying a bucket of chicken or something. My failures in the kitchen are the stuff of legends... But I'm blessed enough to have extremely capable women in my life who are willing to help me learn slowly and steadily...

Meanwhile, Court sent me a text message with the following picture... Which made me bust out laughing when I saw it...

I will neither confirm nor deny that statement...

Dream Wedding...

I had a dream last night of my wedding day. Everyone was there, the bridesmaids had walked down the aisle. I was in a black halter dress for some reason. Which just goes to show you how unrealistic this wedding was, because no way am I wearing a black dress as my wedding gown...

Anyways, the ladies had walked down the aisle. I'm there, ready to go down the aisle and my soon-to-be-husband is gone. Not gone to war, not dead, both of which I could live with. Nope, he changed his mind and decided he didn't want to marry me. He didn't tell me this, no one had to tell me. I just knew. (Dreams are like that. You know the reasoning behind someones actions without being shown or told what it is.) I wake up this morning crying. Which is weird. Why would I cry over an imaginary wedding day with an imaginary groom calling it quits before we even started our lives together?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not cynical about my wedding day. That day is not something I take notes about and frankly, this is the first dream I can remember having about it. As for the eternal question of lots Christian ladies, will I be a wife? My opinion on it? I don't care. God has me hook line and sinker. If one of these days He decides I'll make one-half of a pair, that's cool. You know what's cool about my life right now? I get tons and tons of opportunities to take care of people around me every day that frankly would become less of a priority if I was attached to a boy who loves Jesus. So I soak it in, or try to anyway. Husbands? Cooking? Babies? Maybe one day. There's too many other important things going on in this world to worry about that stuff. We live in a broken world and we get to tell others about the One who can heal it and them. Hopefully I take advantage of those daily opportunities He gives me to do just that...

But waking up crying was a little weird... Must have been something I ate...

39. Weddings

I watched a wedding today. Actually I watched about thirteen thousand weddings today, but I focused on one in particular.

I guess I need to talk about how that works before we go any further. I can be outside of time and put Myself in it all at the same time...or I should say all at once. I can see everybody all the time and I intervene as I please. When I say I focused on one, some of you might be disturbed that I might not have focused on the others. Most of what I say about stuff like this has to be interpreted metaphorically so you can understand. The way I made your brain and how you think is really not capable of getting the whole "time" and watching-everyone-at-the-same-time concepts.

BTW, I made your brain with that limitation so you could experience the wonderfully brilliant contrast that you will experience when you leave your short life and enter into the next one.

Don't get all disturbed about

HOW AND
WHERE AND WHEN
I AM.

You'll get it sometime...except...I can't really say "sometime." You'll get it during another experience in another place in another dimension beyond this reality. Okay, now back to the wedding.

The young bride was beautiful and the young man quite dashing (as are all My creations.) They held hands and indescribable feelings swept through their insides. He smiled a lot and did a pretty good job at holding back his tears.

She laughed out loud a few times-not on purpose, and not because anything funny happened. It's just part of the way I made her. Her nervousness caused it, and it held her together at a time when she could have fallen apart.
They said their vows.
They thought about their lives together, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer.
And they mean it. I know their hearts. I can see into their future.
I'VE already been there.
I AM there right now.

Health problems will come,
money situations will arise,
and they will be shaken.
They will complain and
they will doubt and
they will fight.

She will wonder sometimes if she should have done this. He will wonder sometimes if there were someone more suited for him.

Sometimes they will forget the part in the ceremony where it was said that they will build their marriage on Me.

Those times will be the hardest.
I will use everything at My disposal-

circumstances and
people and
books and
solitude and
tragedy and
laughter and
memories-

to nudge them toward an important truth.

There are things that she will do to hurt him every so often. There will be things he does sometimes that make her feel unimportant and unloved. And when they get quiet and reflective...when they stop talking and listen to Me.

I'll remind them that they (along with everyone else on the planet) do the same things to Me every day.

But I'M not going anywhere.
Sickness and health. Richer and poorer. I AM.

I'M going to keep on loving...and when My bride, My church, My people ignore Me for a long time...and don't speak to Me...and forget that I AM important...and when they do things that they know hurt Me...

I will not give up on them.

I will stand beside them holding their hand like the perfectly manicured groom in his elegant tuxedo, and even then, I will be saying "To love and to cherish, to have and to hold from this day forward...till death brings us together...for the rest of eternity."


GOD'S BLOGS. Lanny Donoho. A chapter that made me smile...

Miller Christmas Tradition

Us Millers have a tradition when it comes to our Christmas tree. My dad, one of the smartest men I've ever met, makes a little Christmas magic for his girls...

Our tree always had bits of paper on it. Usually you have to spot them cuz they are hidden among the branches. Some of them would have an A or and L. They were clues. My dad would hide our Christmas presents all over the house. We would go back and forth through the house till we figured out the clues and finally got our gift. The best thing about it was that the gifts were usually staring us in the face and we never realized it. (I remember one time a necklace hanging from one of the weights of a grandfather clock. I ran every single fingertip in all the nooks and crannies over that clock then realized it was right in front of my face the whole time!)

It was fun for all involved because we'd do it one at a time. Leanne would go, then me. We'd all giggle as we'd figure the clues out or we'd run back to Dad because one of them was too hard for us to get and he needed to help us a little more.

Its definitely something I hope to pass on to my wee ones... I plan on being the one watching my children run around the house then come back to me to show me how creative Dad had been with his Christmas treasure hunt for them...

Someone Else's Future Husbands...

A friend of mine recently gave me a gift. He gives me really good things to read and this time it was "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?" by Carolyn McCulley. Now before you freak out and think I'm writing this from inside the walls of a nunnery, hear me out...

I myself have issues with commitment. Especially of the marriage kind. Yes, I'm a girl, and let's face it, in my weakest moments I think Gosh, this would be easier if someone was fighting for me. However, at this time, 9:59pm on November 20, 2006, I question my desire for it. I think it sometimes gets in the way of my relationship with Him. I think its more of a want of mine than a desire from Him. I don't need anyone to complete me. Jesus is more than I could ever ask for. And yet why do I have the desire for human companionship? (It's rhetorical, don't answer it please...)

In the book it talks about using the opportunities, years, decades, minutes God gives you as single women to minister to those around you. It also said that in a godly marriage, the two of them serve God together and are even more effective as a pair than they were alone. That sounds amazing and definitely representative of the few godly marriages I have the privilege to see.

It says a lot of good things, some that are relative to me in my life and some that aren't. The proverbs 31 chic is mentioned in the fact that her role as a wife didn't define her. She was already a lot of those things before she was a wife. And it says that we are worth 100% of his attention when he's pursuing us. Yeah, I struggle with self-worth, who doesn't these days? I cringe to think that I'd have to convince someone to be interested in me. That's NOT God's idea. I think that's the best, and most manipulative, way to start off on the wrong foot.

It also mentions that we as single women should treat single guys like someone else's future husbands. I had to go back and read that a few times before it sunk in. And then made me look at the friendships I have with the men I hold as dear friends, single and married alike. Do I treat them the same? Married and single? Do I look at you and think, yep, someone else's hubby right there?

Because let's face it, if there is a whisper of anything in my single guy friends, my God-honoring responsibility to both of us is to tug on His shirtsleeve, ask Him about you, and then leave you on that altar. If God deems it a wise idea, He'll let the guy know if I'm to catch his eye and more importantly invest his heart in. Its amazingly humbling to realize how many friendships I've ruined, past and present, because I didn't leave you on the altar where you belonged.

But in all this, I hope to look back one day and think that I took advantage and loved as many people as I could while I was single. This too shall pass... And I want to hear good and faithful servant, not look back and think that I wasted time worrying about me instead of loving on others...

I'm not sure if any of that made sense...

Gotta Hate Those Stinking Christian...

I was flipping through looking for a friend of mine's wordpress today. I've deleted my myspace page so I've lost some of my connections. I was glancing through this and found this link. The name of the post was Gotta Hate Those Stinking Christian... His name is well, he doesn't leave his name actually. Hmm. I thought that was odd, but whatever.

I caution you before you read this. It's not nice, its not pretty and if you aren't grounded in who you are, I'd ask that you don't read this. Titus 1:9 says he must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it. He's talking about elders in that passage but i think its a piece of wisdom we could all use.

There's a lot of this that is heart-breaking. Part of me wanted to stop reading. (I don't need to stick my face in a cow patty to know that it smells bad.) But another part of me wanted to see what his view was. He's obviously an intelligent person. He's an atheist who doesn't preach atheism. He doesn't believe there is a God and makes sweeping generalizations about Christians. He's found exactly what he needs to back up his claim that we are brainwashed.

And yet reading this got me excited about my faith. Which is probably not his point in writing this. When he says, "And there are even people with the mission to seek and convert every single person in the world. They just can't resist. Look at this and this and tell me they don'’t make you feel a little disgusted. These people are systematically converting the entire world."

Yes we are. That's the whole point. I want this man to know the God I serve. The God who loves his brilliant mind and razor sharp tongue. I want him to talk to Him about his doubts and questions and truly seek Him. I pray one day he'll take his questions to the One who can answer all of them...

Betroth You to Me Forever...

19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
20 I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.
Hosea 2:19-20

Once upon a time, a beautiful friend of mine, soon to be married, asked me what I thought of this verse. My response? It's beautiful. I love that he is telling her this is how I will live my life with you and in that you will see Him in my actions...Stunning, really. Her next question? Will you read it at my wedding then? Gulp...o goodness. She said every time she read it, God told her to ask me to read it. Which is pretty amazing and I'm thrilled to be a part of their special day...

So in a few hours, 9 actually, she will become a wife. And somewhere in all that, I will read this passage. I was nervous about it, but figured, hey, just do it once at the rehearsal and you'll have done it. That way, when its game time, you can fall back on, eh, I did it yesterday, today is no problem.

Yeah, I didn't get to do it yesterday. We were all there at the rehearsal at the church, but it was agreed upon that we knew how to read so there's no need to actually run through it. I mean really, how can you mess up reading? I'm pretty sure I hid the panicked look on my face.

O, pshhh, I totally know how to read. I'm 100% confident. Ha! Uh, nope. It's more of an 80/20 confidence limit. This is my first wedding to participate in without being the cake cutter. I'm a pro at cutting cake. But being an actual part of the wedding party is a new experience for me. And new is always a bit awkward for me.

So I've made my family call me and tell me I can do this. My mom raves about my speaking voice, and my sister wants to be here today. I do have a cheering section, they are just fifteen hours away both east and west.

Plus I made a bet with a friend of mine. I gave 5 to 1 odds I'd somehow manage to mess this up...

A New Twist On An Old Woman...

The Proverbs 31 woman. She's quite something. Many a girl has aspirations to be her, or be like her. I don't fit that bill. There's no way I can be her. She's selfless, hardworking, very wifely. I'm mouthy, more lazy than I'll admit to, and am nowhere near close to wifely.

However, I'm reading this book called Sarah Laughed by Vanessa L. Ochs, Ph. D. It takes women from the bible and puts a modern day lesson to their lives and the Proverbs 31 woman is called "The Woman of Valor" in her book. Some of it is a little feminist for my taste. That's another thing I am not. I'm not a feminist. I'm old fashioned, and it still makes my eyes light up when a gentlemen holds the door for a lady. There's just something about a man with manners that will always be appealing to me.

Anyways, she quoted a bit of Esther Broner's "The Woman of Valor:"

Who can find a wise woman?
For her price is far above rubies.
Those in her house safely trust her
For she heeds the words of her children,
She works alongside her husband,
But outside the walls of her house,
Outside the gates of her garden,
She hears the cries in the city,
The cries of women in distress.
She is their rescuer.

She rises at dawn to organize.
She rises before light to make orderly the day.
She stretches out her hand to unchain
The chained woman,
The woman without recourse,
The women not paid their worth on this earth.

She taketh on the men at the gate,
The men of the law-making bodies,
The men of the Bet Din,
The Judges on high.
She looks them in the eye
and says:

This is unacceptable.
This is unjust.
This is cruel.

In her house she is praised.
In the state she is extolled.
Many women have done wisely
But she excels them all.

Yeah, I'm not her either. I was talking to someone the other day about how I see bible heroes in my friends. They asked if I saw myself in any of them. And I told them no. When my friends remind me of biblical characters its because I'm seeing them through my heart, not my eyes. And I've never flipped through and tried to find me in the Bible. I don't want an exact blueprint of my life to live by. I want to take up my cross daily, give it my all to glorify Him, and see what He does with it. The only blueprint I want to emulate is the life of Jesus. Which doesn't fit much into that poem, but I'm ok with that. He will guide my life and I will do my best to heed His calling for whatever that looks like.