Knives & Nuptials...

The great and not-so-great thing about moving around a lot is that no one ever really gets to know you. You can tell people only good bits. Or let people in enough to let them see the highs and lows. Your surprising successes and fabulous failures. That's the beauty of living like a gypsy. Its a choose your own adventure kind of thing when you get to a new place...

A friend asked me if I wanted to be married one day. I told her, uh, I think I'll pass. Which could be seen as weird, but since I was ten years old, that's been my answer.

I don't think I'm much of a scaredy cat. If anything, I'm way too blunt for my own good. However, marriage is an idea that stops me in my tracks. I've learned a lot growing up about marriages. As I get older I realize how that learning has affected me. I sabotage anything that could even remotely have a whisper of a relationship. And I'm very good at it. I recently rearranged my room and found a stack of old journals from high school. One of the running themes in it is a prayer asking God that if I had to fall in love with a mere mortal, it would be one time. And that he'd be just fine with walking very slowly with me. We could both be in love with Him as well as each other! We just wouldn't get married... It's fun that through journals you can see how much you've grown or how much you have left to grow...

The idea of trusting someone with every part of me is TERRIFYING. I'm not sure why people do that. They just give over all of themselves?! That's crazy! Ok, giving all of me over to God? Heck yes, in a heartbeat. But to a person? People betray/hurt/scar you. I know He won't ever do that. Not to me, not to you. Never. Ever. Ever. But we are not God. When a marriage succeeds, its beautiful and lovely and gets stronger for the challenges they've walked through. But when it fails, it fails horribly. A persons' world cracks in unexpected and long lasting ways.

God and I are working on this attitude of mine. We have been for a while now actually. Some of it is physical, but not for long, some of it is mental with my head giving me historical facts and figures; meanwhile, my heart is starting to have a bit of a say-so in this conversation. Its full of hope... Hope of what I honestly couldn't tell you. But its hopeful and trusting Him that He knows what He's doing with me...