The Epilogue...

Dear Reader,

Its friday afternoon. I can hear the rain softly falling on the rooftop. Its the gentle pitter-patter that gives me a bit of a rhythm as my fingertips push in the keys of my computer...

Thank you for taking a glimpse into my life. This blog has taken me through 2 years of joy, laughter, peace, hope, as well as challenges that have brought me closer in my relationship with God. I'm humbled you chose to be a part of the process.

There might not be a clearly defined rhyme and reason to each post. The tales that have fallen out of my fingertips were ones that show views of my heart and to my way of thinking were worth at least the effort of putting pen to paper.

This is not an end to my story. I will continue to write. I like being able to tell of His faithfulness in my life and the adventures He brings me through. No regrets pull at me as I end this. I wholeheartedly agree there were flashes of emotion. Or my temper rearing its head. Wisdom was occasionally present, sometimes absent. Yet I was, and still am, a recipient of His grace throughout all of it.

Epilogues tell of the future of the characters in a novel. I'm not here to tell you my future. Its in His hands. I do know I'm not who I was when I started this, and I look forward to His gentle, albeit continuous, shaping of me and my heart. His future for me is one that is bright with promise.

Thanks again for walking alongside me for a little while. You are dearly loved... by me as well as my Heavenly Father.

May the peace of our Lord be with you.

Allison
July 27, 2007

Impertinence...

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. Ugh. I don't mind doing it...that much. Its a pain in general. What didn't help was the fact that I'm clueless when it comes to male attention. It never occurs to me men would be interested in me physically. I'm just not wired that way. You wouldn't think there would be a correlation between that and grocery shopping, and yet...

So I'm walking through Target, getting milk, bottles of water, etc etc. And there are three men who are whistling and catcalling. The first time it happens I think, man, sucks to be that girl they've taken notice of. I don't look around to see the poor lass they're ogling over. I do however, go back to my groceries, lah-dee-dah. Then I hear them again while I'm getting my lean cuisines. Man, those guys need to knock it off. After the third time, when they "happen" to appear in the baking aisle I'm in, I realize it was me they'd been catcalling. One of them walks by me while the other two stand at the far end of the aisle and watch. As he walks by he looks me up and down. I'm praying as I stand there, waiting for him to finish looking and be on his way. He does, thank you Lord, and I go back to picking up baking stuff.

Honestly? It was a noble fight to keep my temper in check from flaring last night. I think its ridiculous to catcall a lady. Men who think that is appealing are flat out mistaken. You can bet your bottom dollar there is NO WAY I will be telling my little ones, when they ask how their father and I met, well, darling, I was getting icing and he whistled at me like a dog and I just fell in love on the spot. And how it made my heart beat faster when he got a creepy glint in his eye as he looked me over from top to toe. Um, heck no. It made my heart beat faster alright, but not in a good way. More of a if you come one inch closer to me, you'll find out my family's irish.

There is a silver lining to this story. Minus the irritating buzz of being followed around the store. A lot of the baking stuff was on sale so I totally stocked up! It was fantastic! I have an idea for my next baking project! I have Lady Tiger Football camp tomorrow, but maybe I can work on it saturday. I'm so excited!

Fill in the Blank...

its late so i'm not sure how much this will make sense...

i've been at my church for 4.5 years. longest i've been anywhere as an adult. that's crazy. i've had some of the greatest moments of my life in that church, and some of the hardest challenges i've yet to face in my christian walk. i was telling my coworkers yesterday that working at the Southern University Katrina shelter was easily one of the best times of my life. It was hard, but that was a small price to pay for the honor of being able to love on those kids and parents.

tonight i was having my nightly phone call with courtney, talking about service projects in the community. i used to help out with that corporately and then it just kind of faded away. i don't know where it went, honestly. for a moment it was a brilliant promise, and then it kind of lost momentum. i still get emails from various organizations and it brings to mind what could have been, but just didn't. timing has never been my strong suit.

ah, what could have been. its a phrase that catches my attention lately. two years ago, i unwittingly began walking through the most maturing thing for my personal growth while being a part of this church. its not that my church is doing badly. at all. in fact, they are doing great. no longer a baby church, its learning and growing as it goes along.

sunday night the sermon was about openness, and trust, and being vulnerable with the people God has put in your life. the part i desperately wanted to hear is what happens when that only happens with 1/2 of that acquaintanceship, friendship, marriage, familial relationship, office, church?

what do you do when you've dragged God into a situation so achingly bittersweet and yet draws you closer to Him in your walk at the same time? that you've gotten it wrong so many times that every step is wobbly and unsure now? what's the best thing you can do to protect the ones you love from you? how far would you go not knowing what is best?

leave. stay. run. pray. shout. cry. laugh. point. stare. ask. whisper. plead. walk. fight. stop.

Who I Wanna Be...

Ah, security. I crave it. Not sure when that happened. I could say its a condition of my upbringing. Moving around so much. Starting all over every time. Learning about the social structure you've just walked into. Or I could say its because of the time I live in. Where I'm part of a country at war. Violence and anger on every channel. Evil just waiting to pounce. Or maybe I'm just getting old and I want to settle while still living a life of passion with Him.

Security has a ton of definitions:
Freedom from risk or danger; doubt, anxiety, or fear; confidence.
Something that gives safety; a pledge; guarantee; protection.

Something deposited or given as assurance of the fulfillment of an obligation.

Precautions taken to guard against crime, attack, sabotage, espionage.
One who becomes surety for another.

With my relationship with Him, we talk alot. I'm a talker. I'll spit in His ear for hours about you. I'm fantastically ok with trusting Him for stuff in the lives of my loved ones. Turn the table and I'm afraid to say a peep about me. Human hearts are so complex. Its the times I need to listen and be silent that are hard for me. Waiting for Him to say something. Or do something. I think silence is bad and going to result in hurt. But like it or not, the quiet times build my character. I think my character is a glimpse of my heart for Him in this tangible world. Plus it helps me learn to trust Him more...

He's very nice about it. Even when I'm not nice about it to Him. When I'm stamping my foot and pouting, or angry, or offend Him with my attitude. That's when His grace abounds completely in my life. He's achingly gentle and He speaks real slow and uses small words. He lets my unbelief and misunderstanding only take me so far till He decides enough is enough and sets me straight. He makes sure He enunciates and that I'm understanding Him. That's a big deal in a whirlwind of text messages, emails and other ways of non-verbal forms of communication where you translate what you think people mean.

When my security looks like this:

God + my desires

I = confused, doubting, heartbroken, overanalyzing

When my security looks like this:

God

I = love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Also known as the fruits of the spirit.

Mmm. Sanctification. The process of becoming holy. Another process from God. O, how I want to be that girl. A girl that's kind and faithful and gentle and trusting and all of those things. I'm not sure I'll ever "make it" to be her. But the most surprising and wonderful part? He doesn't let go of me through any of it...

What to do with 26?

tomorrow i will turn 26. the big two six. i don't really know that means. i don't have big plans. probably a quiet evening at home. in fact, both of my roomies will be gone tuesday. one's loving on some kids at camp and the others loving on some kids up the road overnight.

i will go to work, and probably work through lunch cuz i saw court off to camp today...then maybe a run, and a table for one at pfchangs. and no i'm not telling them its my birthday.

i know people who see birthdays as a promise of the year ahead. (courtney.) what will happen, what won't. i look more back than ahead. have i accomplished anything? was my year spent wisely or unwisely?

do you ever have those moments when you're kind of like, hm, i really didn't see my life like this when i was little. no doldrums here. its been a good year. some parts hard, and the parts that make the hard parts more than worth it.

so lets take a look back at 25 for me. i've moved, but not back to texas. i'm employed, no buts there. i get to tell children stories and minus the shaky knees, i love it. i like baking in my kitchen. i know my heart most of the time. i'm single, but love fills every aspect of my friendships. i'm surprisingly ok with nesting. i will fight for everything i think you deserve. i love when kids want to play with me. i saw fatty in florida this year. i still blush. my brother in law finally got to see the real me. my church is a priority in my life. i've realized its not a bad thing to want to care for people. i found out my temper flares when i see something wrong. i try not to take myself so seriously anymore. i am still afraid of getting it wrong. i expect God's best for the ones i love. i still get shy sometimes. i love to laugh and dance around in my house when no one is home...

its been a great year! i know He's blessed me at 25. who knows what He'll do with 26?

My Saturday

Whew. I've been productive today. I think I might even treat myself to a nap. My day started at about 2am this morning. I had a dream where I made a friend of mine cry. I don't remember much of it but I do remember his eyes welling up with tears. So I wake up upset cuz he's crying in my dream. Ugh. Stupid girl heart.

I toss and turn till about 7am, then realize I'm not going to get any sleep so might as well start my day. Went and ran a few errands. I needed some more peanut butter cookie mix... When I get home, my roomies are up and getting ready to start their day.

I start my cookies, they leave on some super secret spy mission. I finish baking my cookies, then its time to sandwich them together. Clean the kitchen. Then it was time to put up the christmas decorations we'd packed last night. Then I pulled out all the poison ivy out of our front bushes. Man I hope I didn't get any of that on me...

Meanwhile the girls are seeing "hairspray." Then they are going to go tan at the pool. Courts going to camp next week and is working on her sunkissed look. And for dinner, Carla's making hamburgers. Yum.

Its been a good day. I like being in my kitchen talking to Him while I bake. Or driving down highland in the cool morning air. Or even pulling poison ivy. I just like being with Him plain and simple...

The real Santa...

A friend of mine lives in Mexico. And like all of my friends, she's pretty fantastic. Sidenote: I'm excited about this so if those post is just a jumble of giggles, grins and random sentences on how much God loves on His kids, you might just have to grin and bear it.

Because there is so much distance between us, we email. Sometimes its hey, this is what i'm walking through, would you pray with me about it? Other times its just the dish on what is going on in our lives.

A few weeks ago, she asked for prayer about selling her folks' house. She had moved into an apartment, but her parents' house still needed to sell. Every week or so I'd email and ask how God had been moving with all that. I didn't know what He was doing but I knew He was doing something cuz when I asked Him about if the house was going to get sold, He would just send me a peace about it. So I'd bug her to see what all He was doing.

The emails passed between us were not the fret and worried kind. Just mindful that He might say yes to selling the house or He might say no. Both of us knowing that any No of His was done out of love and care, not to spite us. He'd provide whatever the outcome. Weeks go by.

I sent her an email with a few birthday pictures yesterday. And then this morning, when I check my email, there's one from her. And lo and behold, a Texan went and bought her parents' house! I'm excited for her, for her parents, and I love love love love love that He loved on them like that.

Remodeling?

I like to read. And write. The writing thing is relatively new. But I pretty much love it. Its like talking with my fingertips. And with the amount of fun stationary out there, it makes writing an adventure.

Ok, so back to reading. Currently I'm going through Renovation of the Heart: Putting on the Character of Christ by Dallas Willard. Its not the first time I've read it. But you would think it was the way it punches me in the face sometimes. My friend Taylor, who gave me a copy and feeds my bookworm tendencies, helps me when I don't understand something or have questions. He's a good man.

I can completely relate to the self-centered all about me part of the book. I was talking to Taylor about that this morning. I was telling him about how I could relate to Paul and his "i do the things i don't want to do" part of his life. Sorry, that's an extremely loose translation but basically Paul is writing about the sin in his life. How he still sins, but is still running his race to the best of his human ability with God helping him every step of the way.

Its much easier for me to love someone than to accept love. I hope I said that right. Yep, just read it back. Totally me. The same thing goes for my relationship with Him. I just don't understand why He loves me. And I don't mean that in poor me, kind of way. My sin is UGLY. And shocks me out of my socks sometimes. And yet I continue to do it.

And I'm still a saint. When the world tells me I don't measure up, He's still there, knowing that since He's inside me, I'm free from condemnation. What a glorious gift. Its remembering those little things like how His mercy for me is renewed on a daily basis. That's not a typo. DAILY. Why is He so gentle and kind with me? What's up with that?!

I'm still incredulous that He loves me. I don't understand that, and probably won't till I'm hanging out with Him a little farther north...

Christmas in July...

My roomies threw me a birthday party this year. One of them had been asking for months about a party, but I just really wasn't in the mood. I'm not the biggest fan of being the center of attention (and yet I write in this blog. hmm....), but saturday night they came up with this party idea and just started glowing about it. I didn't have the heart to say no.

It was a Christmas in July theme. I was Santa. My guests were the "kids". The kids brought Santa presents and wore pjs. We actually had a few little ones present who were absolute darlings in their little pjs... As for me, I wore a red dress, that along with a santa hat, made me look like a preggars Mrs. Clause....

The decorations were awesome. From snowmen in the front yard, to the christmas tree decked out in texas ornaments, to the fake fire, hanging stockings, and blue twinkle lights on the fireplace. Each place you looked there was something christmasy that made me smile.

A veggietales christmas was playing on the tv, there was a christmas cd playing carols in the backgroud, my cake was a TEXAS BOOT!!! Carla made it! Yellow cake with chocolate frosting, my favorite. Veggie trays, queso, guacamole, it was so good! I was pleasantly surprised to see that people ate my cookies.

The activity we did were pictures with Santa. And everyone did one! I think since we'd gone all out, there wasn't one stick-in-the-mud in the room! Although every picture I took with someone on my lap, I heard, I don't want to break you! You aren't going to break me...

All in all it was a very memorable time. I took a ton of photos. I'll try and post them on here soon. I know I'm loved and it was very fun to laugh and be silly with some of those loved ones tonight.

Primary Care Giver

Yesterday I had the privilege/challenge of being the primary caregiver of a two year old boy and a four year old girl. It was only 7 hours, but at some moments it felt like the longest times of my life.

I don't have a vast majority of experience with children. I've been getting more experience since moving to BR, but I'm still learning. Things I learned yesterday that exemplify my fledgling mom skills:

• I freak out when my car computer tells me that the passenger side door is open driving down drusilla. the two year old in his carseat behind me has somehow played with the lock and handle simultaneously and managed to get the door open enough for the sensor to go off.

• Kids come with so much stuff. Especially wee little ones. Carseats, booster seats, diaper bags. I thought, do they really need all this? But then I was incredibly thankful for the wipes in that diaper bag when I had to change a pull up.

• They say anything that comes to mind. Whether its comments or questions. Comments like you're not a mommy cuz you don't have a fat belly. And questions. Lots and lots and lots of questions...

• They like to cuddle when they have just bonked heads with someone in the playpen, or when they are tired.

• They don't really care that you're tired. Especially when they want to run around like banshees...
  

So that was my day with the kids. Last night after church I was about to drop. I didn't have time to eat much all day so was getting the shakes and a headache. Which just means my blood sugar was getting low. My roomies go out to eat, I go home. Turn my phone on from silent and read a text message saying my tire is low. Sigh. I get back in the car, exhausted, and go up to a gas station on the corner. I know I don't have a tire gauge for my car, so I'm going to have to eyeball it.

I pull up to the hose and its out of order. I might have started tearing up. I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I don't really know what I'm doing with my tires. Anyone in BR I could call was at church or on their way to eat. Chin up allison.

I drive further up to a chevron station. There is a guy there airing up his tires. I get out, take the cap off my tire and wait for him to get done. He says, the hose isn't going to reach. Oh, ok. He tells me to back in. Ok, great! I think please help me do this. Please please. I back up, and turn around to see him drive off. Sigh. Awesome.

Moral of the story? I need to learn how to take care of my tires and I'm not positive I'll be a good mom. I had no idea what I was doing. In both cases.

One of His Surprises...

I have this theory that God likes the look on my face when He does something surprising and delightful for me...

I'm in my kitchen getting out baking stuff, when there's a knock on the side door. Yes? Could you move your car that's parked out in the street ma'am? Um, maybe, its my roommates' car and she's not here. I call Courtney and she's got her keys with her and no spare.

I go back to my prepping for baking and think, gosh that sure is close. They must be doing Ms. Audrey's lawn next door. Nope. I move to the front door and look through the keyhole. They are doing our lawn! Holy moly! I immediately open the door and a young man jumps off his riding lawn mower while the other keeps weedeating. Hi, do you have the wrong house? He names our leasing company. Yes, that's us. Then we've got the right house. I thank them profusely and ask them if they want some water or something. Nope, we're good.

They go back to work, I go back to my kitchen. I wonder if they are just doing the front. I look out the side, and they've mowed around our childrens' garden. I go out and thank the older guy for not butchering our flowers for our kids, explaining our kids' cg to him. I again offer to give them something to drink. Some water? Absolutely! I come back out with two chilled mugs of ice water. Give one to him and then head to the back of the house. The younger guy has just gotten done mowing the back. He tells me the next time he comes back (in 10-12 days!!!!!) he's going to bring a mulcher and mulch the back. And he's going to pick up the sticks and collect them so we can have a fire if we want.

I ask him if we had poison ivy in the back. I explain that our kids sometimes come to our house and I want to make sure they aren't going to be exposed to poison ivy. He looks around, pulling a few weeds, some poison oak. Then he goes around to the front, telling me he's going to bring antkiller next time. Then points out the front bushes which are ripe with the kind of poison ivy he's allergic to. Basically the whole bushes at the front are weeds or poison ivy and they are killing the healthy stuff.

The house is quiet now. I'm still in shock. All in all they mowed both lawns, trimmed, and used the weedeater and blower. I'm amazed at how fast a man can mow versus me. I asked them how much I needed to pay them and they said your leasing company pays for it. They could have asked for my firstborn son and I would have considered it. Every ten to twelve days? It might be worth it...

They Love Well.

I've been thinking about leadership lately. Its kinda hard not to in the house i live in. You see, I live with two incredible women of God. (No, no idea why He decided to bless me by being their roommate.) They are really lovely, and no, I'm not just saying that. That they love Jesus is pretty much written all over them from the tops of their heads to the tips of their toes...

Like I said, they are leaders in my church. Both of them lead community groups. A community group is a group that meets one night of the week and walk with each other through life. Its not always easy or pretty, but its always nice to know you aren't walking by yourself.

Each one of them go through various challenges and successes in the roles they've been chosen to play. Its humbling and awe-inspiring to watch. They are sometimes different as night and day; yet remain gracious, thoughtful, and kind. I am amazed by them on a daily basis.

They really are something special.

Bastard Idiot's Prayer...

today at work i was called a bastard idiot by our receptionist. it wasn't that much of a shock. she calls most people names and this is not the first time she's thrown something like that my way. it was my reaction to it that surprised me. i didn't let it just roll off my back. the cheek that i was supposed to be turning was flushed with anger, indignation, hurt, frustration, and sadness.

whenever there is some type of conflict with her she usually emails me. and i in turn walk up to her desk to talk to her about it. i don't like hiding behind emotion-filled emails. especially when your desk is about eight feet from my office. we work together, we are on the same team!

so instead of loving her like i should i just sat and shook for a while. various emotions ran through me, and then the fingers of anger and wrath tried to inch their way into my heart. unfortunately, i know what they look like, so i just started praying. about my attitude towards her, how i could respond with love and grace. it wasn't pretty and it wasn't a stunning victory for my heart. it was more of a deathgrip on His hand while i cried because of the way she talks to me.

so if anyone still reads this, say a prayer please. for the both of us. i know she doesn't know Him, and i do. so we shouldn't look like each other.

The Disintegration of a Pastor

Here is a link I found that i just kept reading. I was checking out some books on amazon and at the bottom it had some forum posts. One of them caught my eye. It's called "Salvation and why you don't need it."

This man is a pastor. Well, he was. I wonder what happened to his heart? He has no hope, well, he has hope in himself.

Then as the post goes on, there are three and four more pastors who are no longer pastors who chime in. They appear intelligent, calm, and at the same time proud, confused, hurt men who are crying out for answers yet seem determined to refute all of them.

If my heart breaks for these strangers, I wonder what God's heart is going through?

i see the moon...

its been an eventful friday. i had a date with my lawnmower. which was great exercise for my arms, that were still being a bit noodley from weedeating. and the grass was so thick i definitely had to throw my weight against the mower to push it through sometimes. but nobody got hurt and the yard is taken care of for the time being.

then i decide to treat myself to a bucket of chicken. i've worked hard today, i'm sweaty, and i'm hungry. so i jump in my car. since i am not fit for polite company, i go through the drivethru. there is a tire/oil change place next to the chicken joint. the employees are all men and they are playing catch with tires. they were having an absolute blast. i know this cuz the chicken took forever and they were just laughing and tossing that tire. i didn't understand how that could be fun but they certainly seemed to be enjoying it.

about an hour later, court texts me to come meet the boy who could pass as my son. huh? she shoots me a picture of him. and he's quite adorable. i take notice of the combover and she said she combed it like that because he has a cowlick. yep, we could be related on the cowlick thing...

she says come play with us. hmm. well, ok. i get in my car and head a few miles up the road. on the way there i'm talking to God about how He made the moon particularly distracting tonight. its making it almost hard to drive cuz its just a brilliant pearl in the sky. sigh. He's so great.

anyways, i get to where court and the boys are. its him and his little baby brother. they are little darlings. he's almost two. but he's a petite little boy. with a giggle thats as big as him and spills out of him unexpectedly. i'm there about three seconds and im walking around with court and he reaches up for me to pick him up. well, im a sucker for laughing eyes and a combover so i pick him up and we walk around. i'm talking to him as we walk around. then he asked me to read him a story, he laughed at me a lot, and we played hide and seek. which was basically just me crawling around on the floor around a chair and him thinking i'm hilarious.

then it was time for him to go to bed. he kisses his brother goodnight. then court. then reaches up to kiss my cheek. um. i've not had lots of kisses in my lifetime, but the feather light kiss of a little boy just does something to your heart. or it did to mine anyways. then it was time to tuck him into bed.

what a lovely ending to my night...

Records I would spin...

I like worship songs. Not the oh my life is so hard, God fix this kind of songs. Although I do think there are times of my life when those are the songs I need whispered into my ear... I love songs that are wide open shouts of praise and joy for the Mighty One who has saved us. The ones that remind you of how powerful, kind, gentle, just flat out AMAZING He is. That being said, if I were a worship dj, here are a few of the records I would be spinning:

Everlasting God - Lincoln Brewster

Here is Our King - David Crowder Band

Every Time I Breathe - Big Daddy Weave

Holding On to You - Paul Colman

Reaching - Leeland
(had to. one, they are from Texas. two, their lyrics are slammin'.)

The Hand that Holds the World - Starfield

Into the Day - Bebo Norman

Praise and Adore - Wavorly
(stunning lyrical reminder of who He is
and our calling to tell others of Him)

Superstar* - Go Fish

Picture Perfect* - Michael W. Smith

Fingerprints of God* - Steven Curtis Chapman

Something Beautiful* - Natalie Grant

Happy* - Ayiesha Woods

(For girls' youth group slumber parties.
I think girls need to realize how lovely He made them.
Especially around that age...)

Approval Addict...

motives. they are not complicated things if you are honest with yourself. its incredibly humbling. for real. but its always healthy to do a checkup now and then...

the idea of not being a lady was whispered into the quiet corners of my heart. it's been planted, taken root, and bloomed. i've been trying to please everybody. (wow, that hurts just typing). i used to love people without even thinking about it, knowing that loving others was an expression of my love for Him. Now all my motives are is to make sure whatever it is i'm saying, doing, wearing, isn't giving a whiff of offense to my friends, church leadership, coworkers, anyone who has ever met me. its really hard. no lie. i say things then think o gosh, did they take that the wrong way? do i need to apologize? have i gotten someone in trouble? how do i fix this? etc.

in the midst of that God has been awesome. i love my house. i like to bake. my job keeps me busy. i know i'm not meant to be leadership. but its been nice that Courtney let me help with the kids. i'd been paying it lip service cuz i don't think i'm experienced or equipped to teach them but two weeks ago was great (when i got to tell the story).

speaking of, Courtney has taken a more solid role in the kids leadership. its lovely to see! she's so excited about it! and she glows when she talks about going to camp with the kids in a few weeks. its neat to watch God plant people within the Ring, see them fit into their calling, knowing that they are there with an express purpose. watching them be a blessing to others. i love love love i get to watch that.

i went to the archery field after work this afternoon. its right down the road from my house so its my place for quiet time with Him. i cried a lot today. then asked, begged, Him to talk to me through His word. This is what I got: Isaiah 56:3-7.

3 Let no foreigner who has bound himself to the LORD say,
"The LORD will surely exclude me from his people."
And let not any eunuch complain,
"I am only a dry tree."
4 For this is what the LORD says:
"To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
who choose what pleases me
and hold fast to my covenant-
5 to them I will give within my temple and its walls
a memorial and a name
better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name

that will not be cut off.
6 And foreigners who bind themselves to the LORD

to serve him,
to love the name of the LORD,
and to worship him,
all who keep the Sabbath without desecrating it
and who hold fast to my covenant-
7 these I will bring to my holy mountain
and give them joy in my house of prayer.

i was talking to a friend of mine about how great Courtney was, one of the things being that she was from Baton Rouge. i told him i was a foreigner (i'm from Texas). So i thought it was fun of God to bring me to a passage about foreigners and His salvation for them.

that's pretty much where i'm at right now. after looking into my heart anyways. i told Carla i was scared to go to the Ring family meeting tomorrow so she said i could go with her to her parents' house for the weekend. Courtney will be babysitting so i'll have to walk in there alone. Gulp. I'm going to pray about it some more...

You Know My Name...

Help me remember the reason I’m alive
And that I was on your mind the day you died
Help me imagine, this is not my home
And some day I’ll be resting by your side

Help me remember the day you won my heart
And you paid my way to freedom with your love
Help me imagine the beauty of this gift
A grace that I am so unworthy of
But you’ll never let me fall away from you

You know my name
You know my story
Still you’ve taken on the world
Just for me
I am amazed that you hear me speaking
You listen close to every word I say
Who am I to be loved this way?
You know my name

If I rise, if I fall
My only hope is this
That you’d be with me everyday
Who am I to be loved this way?

artist: detour 180 - song: you know my name - album: fighting for you

My Middle Name...

It's insecurity. Haha. I'm just kidding. Well, sort of. Its actually Deanne. Have I told you lately how amazing God has been? And yeah, I even mean this week. For example, sunday I got to play with some kids. Then monday I was able to help with planning a movie day for them.

The times God is amazing in my life are usually followed by Satan picking a fight. And I don't think thats special treatment for me. I think he does that with everyone. I've always wanted to fight in that last battle mentioned in Revelation. I don't necessarily have to punch him. I'd rather shoot a few of his dang minions. Lately he's pulled out some old wounds, (trust), and some new ones, (that I'll mess up God's plan).

So. Let's take a look around my life, shall we? I love my new house. I like to come home, take off my shoes, go walk to check the mail, sit in the rocking chair on my porch, think about how I need to mow the lawn.

There's my new acquired baking passion. I love baking. Its relaxing. Let's me be OCD by using measurements, but still allowing me to use my creativity.

There's my roomies. Gosh they make my life full of laughter. They get to see all the crazy that comes with my curls. They encourage me in a million ways that even I with all my talkativeness couldn't express in words. They are also women in leadership at my church. Which is kind of intimidating but they push me to a closer relationship with Him.

My mom, dad, sister, and bil are healthy.

I have a job that I don't think about when I come home. I work my hours, then that's it.

I follow my heart. I think people I love know I love them. I always think like if this was my last day on earth, would you know I loved you? Then let my heart respond accordingly. I should probably be more guarded and less of a tenderfoot, but I was made to love. I think as Christians we all are. Guarded makes me closed off. To where no one knows the real me.

So, here's praising Him for the good when your heart is banged up. Its not the most shiny and newest of sacrifices but its the only one I have to give Him.

Almost...

I just got off the phone with my mom. I screened her call. I knew what she was going to say. But I called her back anyway. Hoping maybe this time would be different. I could tell her I was having a rough go of it and she wouldn't tell me what she usually tells me.

Nope.

I said I was having a hard time emotionally over the past two months. She recommended I back away from my church, get a part-time job, meet some new people and reminded me that I was alone. Mmm. Don't get me wrong, my mom has been very influential in helping shape who I am. She introduced me to Jesus. I'll always be grateful for that. I love her. And she loves me. But I've fallen short. Not so much that I'm a complete failure, I just don't quite measure up. Hair's too short, skin's too pale, still in Baton Rouge, don't make enough money, not a wife, still a part of the Ring. I'm almost a beauty. But not quite.

This week has been a bit of a refresher course that I don't measure up. I've gotten like 47 things wrong. This ain't no pity party. The only one who can claim responsibility for it is me. It stings but its true. I'm not below average intelligence. I complicate things. It doesn't start out that way, I just end up sticking my foot in my mouth. What is that saying about the road to hades being paved with good intentions?

I think its gotten worse as I've gotten older. There have been a ton of examples where the consequences of my mouth have hurt myself or ones I love. The newest examples are the hardest. Where I've damaged friendships that I held close, and I'm not a lady anymore to a group of people I respect. Oh, that one still hurts sometimes. All of it just reminds me of the selfishness that stares me in the face when I look in the mirror.

I might not be a lady, a wife, a perfect 10 in this world, but I'm worth something. My Lord thinks so. He made me the way I am. Even with my naive heart and foolish mouth...

But now, this is what the LORD says
He who created you, O Jacob,
He who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are Mine.
Isaiah 43:1