Fill in the Blank...

its late so i'm not sure how much this will make sense...

i've been at my church for 4.5 years. longest i've been anywhere as an adult. that's crazy. i've had some of the greatest moments of my life in that church, and some of the hardest challenges i've yet to face in my christian walk. i was telling my coworkers yesterday that working at the Southern University Katrina shelter was easily one of the best times of my life. It was hard, but that was a small price to pay for the honor of being able to love on those kids and parents.

tonight i was having my nightly phone call with courtney, talking about service projects in the community. i used to help out with that corporately and then it just kind of faded away. i don't know where it went, honestly. for a moment it was a brilliant promise, and then it kind of lost momentum. i still get emails from various organizations and it brings to mind what could have been, but just didn't. timing has never been my strong suit.

ah, what could have been. its a phrase that catches my attention lately. two years ago, i unwittingly began walking through the most maturing thing for my personal growth while being a part of this church. its not that my church is doing badly. at all. in fact, they are doing great. no longer a baby church, its learning and growing as it goes along.

sunday night the sermon was about openness, and trust, and being vulnerable with the people God has put in your life. the part i desperately wanted to hear is what happens when that only happens with 1/2 of that acquaintanceship, friendship, marriage, familial relationship, office, church?

what do you do when you've dragged God into a situation so achingly bittersweet and yet draws you closer to Him in your walk at the same time? that you've gotten it wrong so many times that every step is wobbly and unsure now? what's the best thing you can do to protect the ones you love from you? how far would you go not knowing what is best?

leave. stay. run. pray. shout. cry. laugh. point. stare. ask. whisper. plead. walk. fight. stop.

The real Santa...

A friend of mine lives in Mexico. And like all of my friends, she's pretty fantastic. Sidenote: I'm excited about this so if those post is just a jumble of giggles, grins and random sentences on how much God loves on His kids, you might just have to grin and bear it.

Because there is so much distance between us, we email. Sometimes its hey, this is what i'm walking through, would you pray with me about it? Other times its just the dish on what is going on in our lives.

A few weeks ago, she asked for prayer about selling her folks' house. She had moved into an apartment, but her parents' house still needed to sell. Every week or so I'd email and ask how God had been moving with all that. I didn't know what He was doing but I knew He was doing something cuz when I asked Him about if the house was going to get sold, He would just send me a peace about it. So I'd bug her to see what all He was doing.

The emails passed between us were not the fret and worried kind. Just mindful that He might say yes to selling the house or He might say no. Both of us knowing that any No of His was done out of love and care, not to spite us. He'd provide whatever the outcome. Weeks go by.

I sent her an email with a few birthday pictures yesterday. And then this morning, when I check my email, there's one from her. And lo and behold, a Texan went and bought her parents' house! I'm excited for her, for her parents, and I love love love love love that He loved on them like that.

Neighbors, Cakes, and Pies...

We have cute neighbors. Here's two of them.
They greeted Carla this morning as she was leaving.
I'm not sure where they live but they like our porch...

Then it was baking time. I made mini pecan pies.
They aren't very pretty, but when Court gets home
she'll do quality control to see how they taste...

The last "cake" I made was a diaper cake for a baby shower tomorrow.
Its just layers made up of rolled up diapers, various lsu apparel and some ribbon...

Approval Addict...

motives. they are not complicated things if you are honest with yourself. its incredibly humbling. for real. but its always healthy to do a checkup now and then...

the idea of not being a lady was whispered into the quiet corners of my heart. it's been planted, taken root, and bloomed. i've been trying to please everybody. (wow, that hurts just typing). i used to love people without even thinking about it, knowing that loving others was an expression of my love for Him. Now all my motives are is to make sure whatever it is i'm saying, doing, wearing, isn't giving a whiff of offense to my friends, church leadership, coworkers, anyone who has ever met me. its really hard. no lie. i say things then think o gosh, did they take that the wrong way? do i need to apologize? have i gotten someone in trouble? how do i fix this? etc.

in the midst of that God has been awesome. i love my house. i like to bake. my job keeps me busy. i know i'm not meant to be leadership. but its been nice that Courtney let me help with the kids. i'd been paying it lip service cuz i don't think i'm experienced or equipped to teach them but two weeks ago was great (when i got to tell the story).

speaking of, Courtney has taken a more solid role in the kids leadership. its lovely to see! she's so excited about it! and she glows when she talks about going to camp with the kids in a few weeks. its neat to watch God plant people within the Ring, see them fit into their calling, knowing that they are there with an express purpose. watching them be a blessing to others. i love love love i get to watch that.

i went to the archery field after work this afternoon. its right down the road from my house so its my place for quiet time with Him. i cried a lot today. then asked, begged, Him to talk to me through His word. This is what I got: Isaiah 56:3-7.

3 Let no foreigner who has bound himself to the LORD say,
"The LORD will surely exclude me from his people."
And let not any eunuch complain,
"I am only a dry tree."
4 For this is what the LORD says:
"To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
who choose what pleases me
and hold fast to my covenant-
5 to them I will give within my temple and its walls
a memorial and a name
better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name

that will not be cut off.
6 And foreigners who bind themselves to the LORD

to serve him,
to love the name of the LORD,
and to worship him,
all who keep the Sabbath without desecrating it
and who hold fast to my covenant-
7 these I will bring to my holy mountain
and give them joy in my house of prayer.

i was talking to a friend of mine about how great Courtney was, one of the things being that she was from Baton Rouge. i told him i was a foreigner (i'm from Texas). So i thought it was fun of God to bring me to a passage about foreigners and His salvation for them.

that's pretty much where i'm at right now. after looking into my heart anyways. i told Carla i was scared to go to the Ring family meeting tomorrow so she said i could go with her to her parents' house for the weekend. Courtney will be babysitting so i'll have to walk in there alone. Gulp. I'm going to pray about it some more...

Almost...

I just got off the phone with my mom. I screened her call. I knew what she was going to say. But I called her back anyway. Hoping maybe this time would be different. I could tell her I was having a rough go of it and she wouldn't tell me what she usually tells me.

Nope.

I said I was having a hard time emotionally over the past two months. She recommended I back away from my church, get a part-time job, meet some new people and reminded me that I was alone. Mmm. Don't get me wrong, my mom has been very influential in helping shape who I am. She introduced me to Jesus. I'll always be grateful for that. I love her. And she loves me. But I've fallen short. Not so much that I'm a complete failure, I just don't quite measure up. Hair's too short, skin's too pale, still in Baton Rouge, don't make enough money, not a wife, still a part of the Ring. I'm almost a beauty. But not quite.

This week has been a bit of a refresher course that I don't measure up. I've gotten like 47 things wrong. This ain't no pity party. The only one who can claim responsibility for it is me. It stings but its true. I'm not below average intelligence. I complicate things. It doesn't start out that way, I just end up sticking my foot in my mouth. What is that saying about the road to hades being paved with good intentions?

I think its gotten worse as I've gotten older. There have been a ton of examples where the consequences of my mouth have hurt myself or ones I love. The newest examples are the hardest. Where I've damaged friendships that I held close, and I'm not a lady anymore to a group of people I respect. Oh, that one still hurts sometimes. All of it just reminds me of the selfishness that stares me in the face when I look in the mirror.

I might not be a lady, a wife, a perfect 10 in this world, but I'm worth something. My Lord thinks so. He made me the way I am. Even with my naive heart and foolish mouth...

But now, this is what the LORD says
He who created you, O Jacob,
He who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are Mine.
Isaiah 43:1

Storytelling and Solomon...

I help with our kids community group. Here's what I usually do with cg. I help with the crafts or games. Um, I sing during the worship part. Nothing much really. I don't think I'm used much at all. But this week we were going to talk about Solomon.

Every two weeks we have kids community group. We tell a bible story, play a game, color, etc. I help out with the wee little ones. Not babies, the K-2 group. As I was going over the material this week I kept thinking, wow I want to tell this story. I hope I get to tell this story. Do I have the courage to ask if I can tell this story? I don't usually tell the story. But this was different. This was the story of Solomon. I heart him. I love the book of Proverbs so I was itchin' to see if I could talk to the kids about the decision he made.

I asked Courtney if I could be the backup storyteller if our main storyteller doesn't show. We have someone who is a great storyteller. She's animated and excitable and just oozes fun. Court was going to text her that I was going to tell the bible story today. I told her HECK NO DON'T TELL HER! I'll just be backup and if she doesn't show, I'll do it.

Long story short, I got to do the story! I was totally praying through it. For 30 seconds to 4 minutes I'll be talking to those little ones about God. That's a big deal to me. I just kept asking that He talk through me. I mean, I can talk to a rock, but talking to children about God is such a bigger deal to me than shooting the bull with a rock.

So I take a deep breath and start talking to my audience. One boy and one girl. I begin talking about who Solomon's dad is (King David), what part of the bible Solomon's story is in (Old Testament), and then I get into his story. When I told them how he became a king, the little girl told me that kings take care of their people, and have to make decisions that would benefit and protect them. I tell her that is absolutely right, thinking inside, dang, she's spot on on the definition of a king. I then tell them both how he became king when he was just a few years older than they were, how God came to him in a dream and said because of his father's faithfulness He was going to give him whatever he asked for. Solomon didn't pick riches or strength or anything like that. He picked wisdom. And because of his desire to want to do the right thing, God gives him wealth, a large family, and a long reign. The little girl perks up again, looks at me earnestly with her little brow furrowed and says, So when God gave Solomon that extra stuff, its like a bonus round in a video game? My response, Absolutely! Solomon asked for one thing and God gave him a big bonus of riches, family, etc.

My story was finished and after a few minutes Courtney asked them what they had learned that night. Oh, my heart was pounding through my chest! If they said, I don't know, or I forgot, I might start crying. Do you know what they said? They told Solomon's story! I could barely believe it. Even my little guy who is here, there, and everywhere said he learned about wisdom and how wisdom is making a good choice. I don't think my feet were touching the ground afterwards...

I'm not sure how much God uses pop culture references, but I love that He let me talk to those little ones about Him tonight. The night continued to be good. We said goodbye to our worship leader for kids cg. The band was slammin'. As usual. I saw lots of faces I cherish and heard a sermon that made me think and ask myself some tough questions. All in all, it was a great night!

Brownies & Braveheart...

I'm sitting here trying to not lean in the direction of my kitchen. Braveheart is on my tv. And there's a pan of brownies in the exact center of my oven. I'm calm. Everything is fine. The timer is on and will tell me when they are done...

The kids at my church are going to camp and tomorrow is their fundraiser. BBQ chicken. Yum. Having gotten to the point where I actually once again am a functioning member of soceity, this was my first time to check my email in a few days. Among my emails was one about this weekend. They needed help seasoning chicken and baking brownies. Seasoning chicken I couldn't do because I was already sneezing enough as the aftereffects of strep, but I could give it a shot with brownies.

Sigh. Baking. Almost like cooking, but with sweeter results. I'd been told what to bake so that part was done. Now I just follow through with the rest. Went to the store, bought the things I needed, including a brownie pan.

Game face. I wash the new pan, get everything out of the bags, and start reading the box. I also get out my cell phone, knowing I would call two people if I needed help. One is Fatty. She is a marvelous cook. Growing up, she and my Dad would cook in the kitchen, I would clean it. The second is my father. Called Dad with my first problem. The temperature setting. It says 350 for a metal pan or 325 for a dark or coated pan. Welllll. The pan I just bought is a metal coated pan. What the mess?! Call Dad, of course he's wonderful. He knows I'm not the most confident in the kitchen unless I'm cleaning it, so he listens and then gives his wisdom.

I told him to keep his cell by him. I have four boxes so its going to be a long night. OH! The one-minute timer just went off! I really hope they are edible...

"Yep, you're a fainter..."

I'm not faint of heart. Ok, most of the time I'm not faint of heart. But I do faint. Last week was a record. Twice in two days! Over the years I've fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your viewpoint, fainted a lot. I've gotten better at it...

The first time I fainted, I was at an FFA blood drive. We were in a firehouse garage. I remember both of those facts clearly for a few reasons. I didn't know I was a fainter at this young age (15). However, my FFA teacher had just had her blood drawn. I saw an empty tube attached to her arm and then it slowly fill with red. Gulp. And then I realized that I didn't like watching someone's blood come out of their body, voluntarily or otherwise. She gets through being a hero and graciously giving her blood and turns to walk with me to go get a hotdog. I took a few steps, grabbed what I thought was her hand, and then woke up on the floor with lots of people around me. I didn't recognize any of the faces or why they were all staring at me so. What had really happened was that I had grabbed her leg on my way down to the floor and hit my head on the metal grates in the floor of the garage so when they wash the fire trucks the water has somewhere to go. At the time, they figured I hadn't had enough food and that I was hypoglycemic...

The next time I can remember was when I was at a high school football game. We played 6 man football. My dad was a ref, my sister was a cheerleader. It was a relatively nice afternoon. Around dusk. That ol' west texas wind had died down and it was going to be a great night for football. And then I passed out and that handy dandy ambulance they bring in case of athletic injuries was used for a pale shaky girl who doesn't have the common sense to pass out on something soft. Instead I passed out in the stands, boink!, my head making contact with the aluminum bleacher on my way down...

My high school yearbook is a testament to how I don't faint gracefully. Each comment mentions something about how I passed out in english class. Every one of the seniors was in there, all 17 of us. People began telling stories of "this is how I broke this, this is how I broke that, wanna see the scar?" kind of stories. One of the guys was talking about how he'd broken his arm. How the bone had pierced his skin, how he just stood there with his arm bone hanging out, and somewhere around there I passed out. Like a ton of bricks. We were sitting in school desks so I fell out of mine when I lost consciousness. This is one of the first times I passed out cuz I empathized with someone hurting and not actually having seen any blood...

We were all going to San Antonio to see a movie. Blair Witch 2. We were in college, sophomores, I think. We all get into the movie, wondering what its going to be like etc. I lasted about twelve minutes into the film. In the movie a girl is pregnant and has a dream where she loses her baby. There is blood all over her sweater and she's screaming. The next thing I remember is waking up on one of those banquettes they had outside of the theater. What had happened was I passed out, started to seizure and leaned over on my friend Ross. He completely freaked out. And all my friends carried me out of the theater. This was of course during the movie and I was really upset I had caused a commotion. I said I was fine and we could go back in and see the rest of it, but they anti-ed that idea and we drove the 45 minutes back home to campus in Kerrville...

My friend Courtney's sis, Kris, was having surgery on a hernia. I was 24. Court, her mom and I were sitting there with Kris in her pre-op room before her surgery. Kris was on the bed, already having taken her pre-op pain meds. She was laying there, and then she started to cry a little bit. It wasn't wailing and gnashing of teeth. She was holding her mom's hand. And she was scared. To me her fear was palpable, I could feel it in my bones. I was standing there praying for her silently and then realized that I was beginning to feel something else. That tickle on the back of my mind that says I'm about to pass out and I need to fight it. I try and fight it, every time. I've never won once. I go under every time! But I tried, leaned against the wall, told Court I wasn't feeling well. Court moves me to a chair and I've already begun losing consciousness. She holds on to me so I don't hit my head against the wall as I shake. I wake up to doctors around me. Pretty sure it scared Courtney but it was quite a bonding experience for the both of us. Nothing says friendship like holding my head as I shake and shiver and try to come back to life. At that point I realized I will never be on the hospital visitation list for my church. It doesn't bother me much until my friends start having babies and I can't go see the little ones because of the hospital. Sigh...

There have been other times. College dorms where I faint, doctor visits where I faint. Too much medication and I faint. Feeling someone hurt and I faint. I'd like to think I've gotten better at it, if you can get better at it. I'll tell you what to do. (Before, I'll try and call attention to myself in some way. Grab your hand, grab your hair, grab pretty much anything to let you know I'm going to need you to hold me for a few minutes. I never stood up while passing out, so if you've got the upper body strength to hold on, go for it. I'd enjoy not slamming my head against a floor, a wall, a metal grate... During? Roll me on my side and make sure I'm breathing. Don't call an ambulance, I'll come out of it, I always have. Hold my head so I don't slam it against anything too hard. I don't bite my tongue, the seizures aren't that strong. I think its more of my body fighting to come back than anything. After, I can't move for a few minutes. I will be hunched over and really really really pale. I will have no strength. You can give me a coke for the sugar or juice works just as well.)

There are a few things I hate about fainting. One, the headaches. Oh my, after you pass out, your brain hurts so much! Like all the blood is rushing to fill the void of oxygen thats been depleted from it. Yeah, it hurts. Two, its completely humiliating. Its not like the movies. People don't fall gracefully. Its like a ton of bricks. And you can't get up and walk it off, you have to rest a little while. And three, the attention it causes. Holy moly. I hate it. Waking up to someone who you don't know from Adam, you don't know where you are at, you just want to hide.

One of the great things about fainting? I've only maybe once fainted where someone wasn't there to care and provide for me. That's a lovely blessing He's given me considering I moved around a lot. When I'm weak, He's made me a part of peoples' lives who can be my strength in that moment. And that, is a very, very beautiful thing.

Gift Ninja...

Tonight I was talking to Courtney about a gift that will soon come in the mail. I'm very excited about it. She asked me if I was going to present to the giftee, cuz she knows that's the worst part for me... Um, heck no!

You see, I love giving gifts. Ok, not like giving them giving them. I love the up to that point in the gift giving process. I love thinking of random ways to show you I love you. I like to break out the glitter glue, colored pens, stamps, etc. All that foolishness that in the long run doesn't mean much, but its a glimpse into one of the best parts of you in that you give a little something of yourself when you give a gift.

That being said, I'm counting the days until this last gift. I won't give it in person. I'm not that kind of a girl. Absolutely I hope it will be well received, but honestly, it doesn't matter if its loved or hated. My joy is in the creation of it, not necessarily its rise and fall in popularity.

Now I just gotta figure out how I'm going to deliver it. I'm small and don't make much noise, so I figure I'll do what I always do. Blend in... And then bam! you never know what hit you...

The Athletic Type...

I'm not the athletic type. Sure I'll run around and play. I'M A HUGE FAN OF PLAYING. I think sometimes I take myself too seriously. Its nice to run around like a kid again. That being said, theres some sort of softball team at the ring. I think. Sign up was a few weeks ago but I've not heard anything else about it...

So Court and I signed up. Let me describe Courtney. She's one of the most beautiful women I've met. Inside and out. She's tall, has a fantastic smile, is extremely gifted with children, can tan like a Mexican jumping bean, and loves Jesus with every part of her. And when I say Court and I signed up, what I mean is I signed Court and I up. We always talk about how we need exercise. So this is just as good as anything else. Frankly I need the discipline of someone holding me accountable in getting my rear in shape.

Saturday morning we were out at the park. Court was learning the basics of softball. She's going to be good. She catches on real quick. Unfortunately, she learned the toughest lesson in softball saturday. I pegged her in the shin with the softball. Not intentionally! It bounced and knocked her shin.

She says I threw it a thousand miles an hour. (Not true.) But she definitely went into the fetal position and started crying. I felt like a jerk even though it was an accident. After the tears dried and she could walk again, I told her that was as bad as it got. Once you get hit with the ball, you're not so scared of it anymore. We threw a few more times then it was on to batting. She would begrudgingly swing at it. I told her to get mad. Throw a little umph into it! Sure enough, the more mad she got the better her swing got until she was knocking those whiffle balls into the outfield...

I'm excited to see how much she'll improve when we practice again...

"I Kiss Better Than I Cook..."

Its potluck time again at my church. Which is totally cool. There's something that kind of makes you feel like family when you're eating together... I think food does that to you. I don't know many people who hate eating. Heck, it relaxes me just sitting over a steaming cup of coffee... Back to my story...

The unfortunate part of this is that my name is Miller. M. They break all of us up into what we will bring by our last names. There are three categories. Main dish, side dish, and dessert. The basics of life right there. This time around, I'm a main dish. Gulp. MAIN DISH.

A friend of mine asked me what I was going to bring. I asked him if pizza rolls counted as a main dish. He then tentatively offered his wifes' cooking skills for my benefit. So sunday morning, I'll be at their house bright and early to learn how to cook a roast. I'm excited about it, but if I mess it up, I'm totally buying a bucket of chicken or something. My failures in the kitchen are the stuff of legends... But I'm blessed enough to have extremely capable women in my life who are willing to help me learn slowly and steadily...

Meanwhile, Court sent me a text message with the following picture... Which made me bust out laughing when I saw it...

I will neither confirm nor deny that statement...

Life Together...

If my life were a tv show, it would be a soap opera. Which is pretty terrible because I hate those things. Drama everywhere, twists and turns that are completely ridiculous and never ending. Lately the wish I wish for me, quite selfishly, is that I don't have any drama anymore. People who are hurt by me or others, or situations that the silver lining seems to be too cleverly hidden for me to see.

I'm reading this book called Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Right now he's talking about the life of Jesus. How He spent the majority of His time in the midst of His enemies. I guess I'd never thought of it like that. I always liked the stories of Him kicking a and taking names with love and compassion, but it never occurred to me how hard that must have been. For Him, as well as His followers. To rarely have a moments' peace. Constantly showing them how to live and love and sometimes being completely misunderstood by everyone...

I'm not Jesus. I walk beside and belong to a community of believers. People who will pick me up and dust me off when I fall, or set me straight with kindness and maturity because they love me. Hopefully in turn our relationship is grounded in Him so I can do the same. Yeah, life is hard. Especially when you live in a world where your enemy is closer than you think and certainly more cunning than I give him credit for...

That being said. Dang it, I'm going to be joyful if it kills me. That doesn't mean that I'm happy 24-7, I think joyful for me means being at peace, not just ok, with what is going on. He's got everything completely in His hand. And I'm leaving it there. All of it. Yeah, I get tired of heartache, betrayal, rejection, manipulation, and the just plain stupid crap that goes on. Who doesn't? But after decades of walking with Him, I'm hoping I've learned a little. Give up. Give it to Him, trust Him that He knows better than I do, and love like there's no tomorrow...

9Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
Galations 6:9-10

Girls Will Be Girls...

A few of my friends are having babies. Which is lovely. Who doesn't like babies? Well, I don't actually. It's not that I don't LIKE them, I just don't hold or touch them. I give them their distance, they give me mine. Diapers, pacifiers, tiny clothes, the little ones themselves... I just get a little antsy with them. I think I'm going to break them, or worse, make them cry. It really bothers me when they cry. I don't know what their crying means. It's a completely foreign world to me, however, I have a few friends who are extremely experienced in the way of the wee one. They will be excellent mothers for lots of reasons, one of which is there wide range of experiences with them...

Today I was shopping for a new arrival for some of my friends. I was at a store, picking up everything I needed, totally working up the courage to go to the baby stuff. So finally I put on my game face and head to the little kid area. I'm looking for some big sis stuff. As with all the gifts I give, I'm not sure what I want until I see it or come up with an idea. I wander through the aisles and completely lose hope for finding anything for this child. Fortunately, there was a mom there with a little girl of her own. Then I decide that I'm going to need some help, so I walk up to this mom and proceed to tell her the new big sisters' age and height. She very graciously took pity on me and told me what size she would be. I was able to pick out something for her but definitely got a gift receipt just in case...

After finding a big sis gift, I headed over to have lunch with Court and her little ones she was watching. A two year old, P, and a one year old, May May. I get there and they were just getting out of the car. P hops out of the car, waving and calling me Ms. Allison. I tell him howdy and then help Court unload her car. Meanwhile, May is asleep in her car seat. Court tells me to get May. Gulp. Ok. I crawl into the back of the car to get this little girl out of her car seat and not have her wake up in some strangers arms. She kind of wakes up a little when I get her out of the seat, but then falls back asleep on my shoulder. I take her to her room, lay her down, and take off her little pink shoes. Then we go get lunch ready. May is sleeping this whole time. We all sit down for lunch, then wake May up for her lunch. She is put in her seat. She looks around, we all look at her, and then she immediately starts crying these alligator tears. Just so upset. I ask Court what is wrong with her. Court says, nothing, she's just doing that. Court mentions the words "time out corner" and immediately that little girl stops crying, stops yelling and calmly sits in her seat. It was crazy how fast she just turned it off. I'm thinking we as girls learn manipulation early on in life...

Surprise! It's a Pinata!!!!

Saturday night we found out it was one of our cg girls' birthday. She turned 20. Carla finds out about it while she's at my house. Court comes over and we all three decide we are going to throw this girl a surprise party. We head over to a store and buy little trinkets, party hats, ice cream, and "the most obnoxious pinata ever." We swing by Taco Bell because we are about eat off our hands before going over to her house and decorating it. Then its game time. I'm in charge of hanging stuff. (I'm the shortest girl of the group...) I'm doing great until its time to hang the pinata. Hmm. No random tree branch in the living room. What can I hang this on? And what am I going to hang this with? We had ribbon, tissue paper, scotch tape, and streamers. Well, my dad didn't raise no fool. I got a really long piece of ribbon. Then I doubled it. Tied it. Doubled it and tied it to the pinata. Then I hung it, ever so delicately, on the ceiling fan. Which thankfully, did not fall out of the ceiling when I hung that marvelous paper-covered, the-good-kind-of-chocolate-filled monstrosity.

It was marvelous. We were wearing the party hats, turned off all the lights, and waited with a candle lit half gallon of Starbucks ice cream. She came in, we all started singing, giggling, and proceeded to gorge ourselves on chocolate and cake. Did I say it was marvelous? Well, it was marvelous. I love party planning AND loving on people and that night I got to do both!

Random Acts of Wow...

Today has been quite a day. I didn't win the lotto. I didn't get a promotion. BUT. I got so much more...

A friend loved her birthday present...
A friend told me I was important to him and had meaning in his life...
A friend keeps telling me what she sees Him doing in me...
Wendy's gave me two extra bacon hamburgers with my order...
A friend told me he's praying for me...
A straight shot makes me feel safe...
A friend called to check on me...
I had the opportunity to talk about my church...
A card from my sis today said she knew I was having a tough go of it lately, but was with me...
A friend of mine said I'd be a good mom...
A text had nothing but well wishes and love...

And the icing on a cake? Dumb and Dumber was on tv tonight. Seriously though, while I can not wait to get this month over with, I wouldn't change any of it. Yeah, there have been dangerously dark times where I've fallen. But in the midst of it, there are little pinpoints of light coming from Him and those He's put around me. Other times He shines through to where I'm almost blinded by the amazing turn of events in my life. Thank you for being a part of that. I'd hope that I've come through it gracefully, but I know I've got a lot to learn. I kind of hope I never "make it" spiritually. I want to always have a bit of a surprise factor in the ways He moves in my life and in the lives of those around I love...

Beginnings and Endings...

Today I did a bit of spring cleaning. I need to get my tax stuff ready and there is no time like the present. I organized all the bills and paperwork associated with a year of rat packing. It was great. I love having all my ducks in a row. There were piles all over my bed but they were organized and ready to be filed. I LOVED it.

I found a bunch of history among all the envelopes and papers. Notes from family and friends. Well wishes as I walked through the highs and lows of life. Birthday cards, cards for no reason, postcards from my sister. Words that pick me up and brush me off with their thoughtfulness, and words that pricked my heart with conviction over long ago actions.

One page I came across was where I emailed a stranger saying that I was trying the ring for the first time. Little did I know she would become one of my first friends in Baton Rouge and among the ring. I seem so young in it. I would have been actually a little over 22 years old. The part that jumps out at me is where I'd written "I guess it just boils down to the fact that I had forgotten how hard it was to go to a new church alone."

In community group monday night, we all encouraged each other. The running theme is that I was open about what was going on in my life. I wasn't an open book, but I also don't keep stuff bottled in with them. Its funny to see that I've clearly not changed that much... I was a scared little girl walking through circumstances she didn't understand. I'm not as little nor as scared. I know with full confidence to Whom I belong. The One I was created for walks with me. And He's always good for a laugh, a hug, or an ear.

Although I kind of think He was chuckling at how excited I was about filing all my bills away...

Awaken Me...

I went to cg last night. It was my first ring activity this month. It was great and helped me confirm that yep, I definitely miss this. I kind of think I go into withdrawal. Don't get me wrong, I'm still spiritually dotting my i's and crossing my ts. Quiet time with Him has been great, quiet, but great. But I miss people. For all my anti-social behavior, I miss you!

I miss my own kind. Christians. Sunday nights make me ache knowing I'm not going to be able to smile at you, get a great hug, or fan that flame that burns in me to love people. Conviction, affirmation, basically any -tion word you can get at church, I miss! On the plus side, feeling that way pushes me straight into Him. Whether its His word, something I'm reading, a song. Which is by no means bad. Its WONDERful. But boy oh boy, I'm chomping at the bit to come back home!

The Silent Treatment...

I'm a big fan of music. I don't know the first thing about it, but boy it can just grab my attention and sweep me away. I think that's really cool...Lately I've unconsciously played songs that give me a little bit of a breather from the wear you out, straight up muck and mire you sometimes find yourself in. I guess the correct sunday school terminology is that I'm in a "valley" and the only way to get out of it is keep walking. Blegh. This valley I've been to often. I should have like a million frequent flier miles from visiting...

Don't get me wrong, my life is not doom and gloom. I'm loved. I laugh. I still thoroughly enjoy loving you. I'll stand at your side and cheer you on if given the opportunity. I'm just battle-weary at the moment. It will pass. In the meantime I try to walk, usually stumbling, until I'm out of it. I'm a little beat up but no worse for wear.

As usual, I want escape. A plan. A neon sign. A railroad tie. A smack upside the head. A hug. Something to let me know I'm headed in the right direction. Right now I'm winging it. I hate winging anything. Oddly enough, I'll encourage you in a heartbeat and not think twice about it. But when it comes to living my life, I will over analyze it till I'm so confused I'm not doing any moving at all. Its a very clever trick I am learning to recognize as a way to keep me chasing my tail.

So far I'm at...nothing. I think I'm supposed to rest? I'm truly horrendous at rest. It bugs me. Give me something to do. Someone to love, something to take care of, something to keep me busy. Unfortunately, He's not saying a word. Which means I should be trusting Him in His silence, not fighting with myself trying to figure out why He's not talking to me. Growing up, the only way I knew someone was upset was by silence. Silence meant I'd done something wrong and therefore needed to take steps to mend the relationship I'd broken. So when silence is the reaction I get from anyone, including God, my mind immediately goes into figuring out what I've done wrong. It's how I've been trained...

If you take a look at my ipod, here's what you would find:

Always Love You (Nicole C. Mullen)
Stand in the Rain (Superchick)
Made to Worship (Chris Tomlin)
Never Alone (BarlowGirl)
Falling (Pocket Full of Rocks)
Sleep (Plumb)
Hungry (Wow Worship)
You're Everything (David Crowder Band)
For the Sake of the Call (Steven Curtis Chapman)
Made to Love (Toby Mac)

And a few others I can't think of at the moment. I think He uses lots of things to gently hold you and take care of you. I think He adds His magic to the random everyday things of life. I love that He does that. Even when He's not talking to me...

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

Jai Guru Deva Om

It's been a busy week. I've spent a lot of time with Him out at an archery field in town. I'm a new wedding coordinator in training. I went out with a good man who makes me laugh. I slept in a castle and woke up to the cries of a blond haired little sprite. And as of 6:30pm, my heart will start cracking a little bit because I know I'm not where I belong...

Deuteronomy 5:16
Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

Matthew 19:29
And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.

The Year in Pictures 2006...

Visiting the folks in West Texas... Yep, those are my mom's shoes I'm wearing...

I compiled a little fanfare for Meg's birthday this year...
I bugged every person I could think of to throw a picture or a story into that book...

My 2nd annual fundraiser for work in April of 2006...

Some of my guests of honor who came to play at the plantation that day...

Ah, Eli, the little spitfire. I met him in Eben-Ezer this year...

Some of my team members...

Looking at this picture makes me smile...

So does this one...

This picture I just stuck in here randomly...

Threw a party for Misty, here are a few of her ridiculously good-looking, photogenic guests...

I had a caricature artist do portraits as the guests' party favors to take home...

Another random picture I just threw in here...

My sister got married in June...

I was the maid of honor...

Another pic that makes me smile...

Jake teaching my Dad washers at mine and Carla's birthday this summer...

Our cakes I made up in my head and found a bakery to do it...

A party I put together for Courtney's Golden Birthday...
(I didn't have a picture of the acrobats...)

I was very honored, and mildly terrified,
to read in Lauren and Jeff's wedding...

A few ladies from my community group I love, having fun at the fair...

Christmas Tree 2006...