Tonight I had community group. Which is fine. I like cg. What I didn't expect was completely turning into a sap and losing it. Tears, snot, and a terribly shocking amount of vulnerability. I used to be open to the idea of being vulnerable, but the older I get the more I find its better to be guarded.
If I've managed to pull the wool over your eyes, you have no idea what I'm talking about. The crux of the matter is that I'm exhausted. And its starting to affect my attitude. Actually its affecting all sorts of things, my job performance, my relationship with my roomies, my relationship with my God.
Its been a gradual affectation. At first it was one thing, then another, then they just kept coming. Hit after hit. All relating to my family and my heart. I feel far away. Last night at church I could barely keep my eyes open. I stood, then sat there, wanting desperately to feel something but not having anything left to give. Not to Him, not to you. I just don't have anything left. Do I fight when I don't feel?
So me being tired means I make mistakes at work, at home, with my heart. Everywhere I look in my life I see sin and shame. Then comes the pressure I put on myself to be less of well, me. Could I be more holy, more pure, more of a gentle and quiet spirit that is precious in His sight?
Instead of whining about my life, I will try to keep it in. Gentle and quiet spirit. I can do that. I think. I can shut up and keep it all in. I can. I think I can. Ok, I'm going to give it my best effort...
If I've managed to pull the wool over your eyes, you have no idea what I'm talking about. The crux of the matter is that I'm exhausted. And its starting to affect my attitude. Actually its affecting all sorts of things, my job performance, my relationship with my roomies, my relationship with my God.
Its been a gradual affectation. At first it was one thing, then another, then they just kept coming. Hit after hit. All relating to my family and my heart. I feel far away. Last night at church I could barely keep my eyes open. I stood, then sat there, wanting desperately to feel something but not having anything left to give. Not to Him, not to you. I just don't have anything left. Do I fight when I don't feel?
So me being tired means I make mistakes at work, at home, with my heart. Everywhere I look in my life I see sin and shame. Then comes the pressure I put on myself to be less of well, me. Could I be more holy, more pure, more of a gentle and quiet spirit that is precious in His sight?
Instead of whining about my life, I will try to keep it in. Gentle and quiet spirit. I can do that. I think. I can shut up and keep it all in. I can. I think I can. Ok, I'm going to give it my best effort...
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