Family History

With all this Christmas commotion, its made me think about family. My physical family as well as my spiritual family. My family is from County Antrim, Ireland. I only know this because we have a book on it. The patriarch of my family was a guy named William Anderson. His grandson was named James Anderson. His nickname was "Tyger" Jim. He married a gal named Mary "Polly" Miller. I'm not from that Miller line, I'm part of the Anderson chaos, even though my last name is Miller. My descendents were big on starting churches. They started two. Rockey Springs Presbyterian Church in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania and Nazareth Presbyterian Church in Spartanburg, South Carolina. I've no idea if these churches still exist. The closest I ever got to a Presbyterian Church was going to an extremely loosely affiliated Presbyterian college.

And the tradition continues, my spiritual family is starting a church as well. The Ring started out as a college ministry of Parkview Baptist Church in Baton Rouge, La. And in 2006 will be launched as the Ring Community Church. I've only been going for around three years now. Practically since I've been in Louisiana. My mother wanted me to find some "kids my own age" to play with. She was a teacher here in Baton Rouge, so she was asking around about college ministries. I'd recently graduated college and didn't know a soul. So someone recommended Parkview. We all go as a family to a Sunday morning service. And then I try the college class. I hated the college class. I was new and wasn't really loving the whole church shopping idea. I'd found in my limited expertise that its usually a miserable experience. And this time around was no different. I try Parkview for a month. Every Sunday I met the same people in Sunday school who didn't remember my name. It bugged the ever livin' tar outta me. I remembered theirs and there were like 16 of them and one of me. Give me a break! So I started praying about it. Was I supposed to stay here? Would someone finally remember my name? Or was it back to trying to "fit in" somewhere else? Around this time, there starts to be a buzz in Sunday school that the Ring was starting back up from Christmas break. Uh, ok, the Ring. What the heck is that? So I'm still praying about if this is where I am to invest my heart or not. God not only tells me this is it, He tells me to jump right in. Don't try and fit it, just be yourself. Head first, no safety whatsoever. That's exactly what I did and I've never looked back. And God has blessed every facet of my life because of trusting Him and diving in when He said leap.

Was That Who I Think It Was?

Today has been a day. Around one this afternoon, my sister called me about a procedure my grandmother will be going through with tomorrow. She's got a weak heart so they are going to try and fix it by doing two operations. But she might not even make it through the first one to try the second one.

Death has not touched my family yet. I have no idea what its like to lose a loved one. Which is a blessing, but hasn't equipped me for even the possibility for death. How do I prepare for that? More importantly, how do I love on my family through this?

I go to cg tonight and get loved on famously. They aren't even aware how gracious they are and that tonight I'm just soaking up every little bit of affection they'll give me. And my cg leader did something he's never done before. We pair up into a straight line, then encouraged each other for 30 seconds and then rotated. It was wonderful, even despite the fact that I looked like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer after because I was trying so hard not to cry.

After cg, I called Katie and asked her if I could come over. She said she had to walk the dog and I said, "I'd love to walk the dog!" Anything to get my mind off of my gma. So I meet her at her house and sniffle my way through what my heart is feeling and not feeling at the moment. Then we go walk the dog. I'm talking about the fact that death scares me. A lot of my family is not saved and to be eternally separated from God is the scariest thing I can possibly think of. We are walking down the sidewalk, Katie is quietly talking to me. I reply to something she's asked me and she all of a sudden says, "Hello." I look up and there is a man standing there on the other corner of the street looking at us. The way the light is hitting his face, I see every feature of his face but his eyes. They were just black holes. His expression on his face was what got me. Like he had to move across the street because we were walking there. We turn the corner and I turn and look back and he's still watching us. I don't say anything to Katie, I'm very quiet. I get the distinct impression that whatever he was, it had to make way for God's presence and it didn't like that very much. We walk about half a block, still not saying anything. Then I say, "Was that evil?" Katie's response? "I don't wanna talk about it, I wanna talk about Jesus." So that's exactly what we did, all the way home. Then we stopped at the bottom of the stairwell and thanked Him for His protection.

I love that He was listening to my heart cry out while still protecting us from the evil that seems to be lurking around everyone lately. That's my Protector, my Defense and my fierce God!!

Why I'm Golden

I love music. Not that I know anything about it per se, but I think its amazing. I tried to learn how to play a violin once. In fact, I've still got it. Its in my closet, collecting dust as we speak. I tried to learn in college. I had a friend of mine who played beautifully. I'm pretty sure the angels stopped to listen to her when she played. One day she had the bright idea to try and teach me how to play. Fast forward to the part where I tried to learn how to read sheet music. That stuff is Greek to me. Needless to say after many hours of trying to grasp it, I politely declined any more music lessons.

And writing songs? Forget about it. I'm in awe of people who write their own stuff. That people I've never even met or will meet can write something that touches my heart is very cool to me. How they can pour out what they are feeling into an intelligible format and add music to it is somewhat of a miracle to me. I'll never be able to do that, and I'm fine with that. It gives me the ability to appreciate their talents more. I love that God has gifted all of us differently. One song that has applied very recently to my life is a song by Switchfoot. Which I actually did meet in New Orleans a while back. They were headed to dinner before the show and I recognized them. Then they tried to play it off like they weren't the band I'd expressly come to see that night. Uh huh, I'm not that gullible. Anyways, here's a bit from a song called Golden in their Nothing is Sound Album.

"She's alone tonight with a bitter cup, and she's undone tonight, she's all used up. She's been staring down the demons who've been screaming she's just another so and so, another so and so. You are golden. You are golden, child. There's a fear that burns like trash inside, and you're ashamed of the curse that burns your eyes. You've been hiding in your bedroom hoping this isn't how the story has to go. It's not the way it goes. You are golden. You're a lonely soul inlet of broken hearts. You're far from home, its a perfect place to start. We've been talkin' about a feeling, we both know inside but couldn't find the words. I've seldom been so sure about anything before. Golden, you are golden child."

Identity has been a victory and a struggle lately. There are times when I'm perfectly fine in who I am in Christ. And there are other times when I let people or circumstances around me define my identity. Its always a humbling experience when I realize that I've fallen for the lies that satan has thrown at me. I'm not new to this walk of faith and more often then I'd like to admit, I let people's opinions and perceptions become the truth of who I am. Which is a LIE. Dad gum it. Even when I'm on my guard spiritually and can feel satan's breath in my face, he manages to get a pot shot in occasionally. Well, no more of that. I am who I am because I am in Christ.

And I refuse to let satan's recent paltry and unbelievably painful attempts to take me from the community and body that I'm a part of succeed. I am loved here and love here at the Ring. Its where I serve, its where I worship, and its where God has placed me. I belong here because God has seen fit to put me here. I've traveled the world and He's placed me here, in Baton Rouge of all random places. And the only one taking me from this community will be God. I refuse to give anyone else the authority. I'm His and His alone. And yes, I'm digging my heels in and there is a decidedly stubborn tilt to my chin. But its with an air of excitement and joy that I type this. God is going to continue His habit of doing great things. I can feel it in me bones.....

I Do Love You

I do love you; I'm just not ready to announce it to the world.

This was a saying on a calendar that my coworker bought for me as a birthday present a while back. This was actually December 3's entry but I'd been on the road last week so I had to skip ahead to today's date. As I read it, it kind of made me think. But we all know I'm a big over analyzer so that shouldn't surprise you.

Is it really love if you can't show it? I mean, isn't love supposed to be wild and crazy and shout to the treetops? Or is love the steady, quiet, confident kind that shows in someone's eyes? So I looked it up. There are a ton of definitions of love. I picked a few that caught my eye:

A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair. To have an intense emotional attachment to. A feeling of compassion; with no thought for a reward. To like or desire enthusiastically. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment. A score of zero in tennis or squash. The passionate yearning of a heart.

My parents are an example of earthly love. They've been married since I was three, and I'm now a little older than three. Life hasn't always been easy for them, but my parents still love each other. In fact, my dad still writes my mom poems. When I stayed with them at a hotel last week, I was just about to fall asleep when I heard my dad whisper to my mom, "I love you Sweetie." To me, that's love. When life turns out to be a little different than you expected it to, and somehow those differences make it better, that's love.

Out of all these definitions, my favorite would have to be the last one. Sometimes I shout to the world that I'm loved and love God. Other times, its hiding just behind my eyes. Its really up to me how little or how much I show you the love that steadily and confidently burns in my heart. Ah, the glory and agony of free will.

E is for Enthusiasm

God is AMAZING! I just got back from cg and I can barely keep my excitement in. God is so great!! I haven't been healed from leprosy or healed of a bleeding sickness like back in the day. Check out Luke 5: 12-16 and 8:40-47. However, I have been saved from being dead inside. And if that ain't something to shout about I don't know what is. Tonight we were talking about how God's grace has covered all of us outcasts and brought us into a community of believers. I was saved when I was a wee girl, so I don't have much of a sob story when it comes to being redeemed. Growing up I used to feel guilty that I hadn't been saved from a life of crime or drugs. It was just a natural step to take being raised in church. More of a process than anything really. But that doesn't mean God accepting me as His daughter is any less of a miracle. Occasionally, more often than I'd like to admit, I lose the enthusiasm of the redeemed. So as we were talking about it tonight, it just got me all excited. On the way home I was just singing and dancing in my truck praising my little heart out that the God of the Universe thinks I'm something else. So I'm at a stoplight, not really paying attention to my driving, and there is a car next to me. As I look to my right, probably doing the wave or some other ridiculous dance move, the guy next to me is just laughing at me. And I felt a little sheepish. But hey, this sheep's been saved by grace and I'll shake it to my heart's content because I can feel Him smiling when I'm praising Him in joy and thankfulness. Sigh, He's so G-R-E-A-T, GREAT!!!

It's Official!

Today we had our office Christmas party. I work in an office with four women and we all went to lunch at J. Alexander's. The food was alright, I've never really been impressed too much by it. But we giggled all through it and had a great time. God's really blessed me with a job I love and three women I'm honored to know, much less work with. One of the girls brought crackers for us to pop. They have these plastic charms in them. I got the plastic tiger. Which means I'll be traveling to an exotic place soon. Ooo la la. As for the presents, the plan was that we were going to do a Chinese Christmas. You draw a number (how many people you have participating) and the number tells you how many times you can trade if you want to. Well, we didn't end up trading because we all loved our gifts. We all happen to have fabulous taste by the way. I got a necklace. Its a multi-color band of blues and greens with a silver fleur-de-lis charm. It's beautiful. And was then told that I'm an official Louisiana girl because of it. The fleur-de-lis is big in these here parts. It was kind of fun to be admitted into a club I wasn't even aware of.

Disclaimer: In no way am I revoking my statehood by acceptance of above mentioned necklace. I will always be a Texan. No matter what I may be wearing around my neck. ;)

Hope Deferred

Just where I'm at at the moment...

Tonight at church, Proverbs brought a grin to my face. The book of Proverbs and I go back a ways in the history of my life. It's probably my favorite book of the Bible if I had to pick. My mother always woke up early to read it before the day started when I was a wee girl, then when I was in junior high, I memorized the book twice. We had to recite it a chapter at a time, 3 helps or less. Did I mention I wasn't allowed to wear jeans growing up either? Crazy but true. Which might explain why I'm bit of a prude.

Anyways, at 5:45 prayer today, I did my usual habit of reading a few verses or chapters before inviting God into our presence. It gets my heart ready to speak with my Lord. Let me start off by explaining what 5:45 prayer is. Its a 30 minute time period before the corporate service starts at my church. My pastor sometimes gives a synopsis of what he plans to speak on, gives us a broad stroke of where he feels God is leading him, or he just lets us loose to pray however we want. I like when he just lets us loose to pray for anything and everything to prepare the room for the God of the Universe to show off.

So I'm reading a few verses and a few of them bring a smile to my face. Others have a big neon flashing sign with my name on it because it applies to what I'm going through in my life at the moment. Tonight one of those verses was Proverbs 13:12.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

As of 47 days ago, I began hoping. Not a great hope, more of a yeah right, that's not gonna happen but my heart is too naive to think otherwise kind of hope. I don't think hope is bad. I think its a healthy part of my heart. However, I'm also analytical and when faced with facts tend to toss that ol' hope right out the window. Ok, I try to. But there's that itsy bitsy spark that smolders and doesn't go out. The past week has doused that hope. Reality has set in. And I'm eerily calm about it. In fact, I'm eerily calm about everything at the moment. Like I've just been beaten to a pulp and everything is just numb. That's where I'm at. Like I'm present in the moment, but not actually IN the moment. Like I'm just an observer to my own life. I know God is going to do something great in my life, but at the moment, I'm too numb to even guess what that is or will be. So I understand the "hope deferred makes the heart sick," but haven't gotten to the "longing fulfilled" part yet. I'll let you know when God sweeps in and does something about that whole "longing" thing. Right now I've got the inkling He's just waiting. Probably for me to stop using all this book knowledge in my head and have a little faith.

I sure can't wait for Him to show off in my life.....Then I'd really have something to write about!!

Wholly Yours

I am full of earth
You are heaven's worth
I am stained with dirt
Prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity

What a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth
Flowers come up pushing through the dirt

You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries holy, holy God
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like you are

You are everything that is bright and clean
And you're covering me with your majesty
And the truest sign of grace was this
From wounded hands redemption fell down
Liberating man
You are holy, holy, holy

All heaven cries holy, holy God
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like you are

But the harder I try
The more clearly can I
Feel the depth of our fall
And the weight of it all
And so this might could be
The most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean

Holy, Hallelujah
Holy, Holy, Hallelujah

You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries holy, holy God
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy, holy God

Here I am all of me
Finally, everything
Holy, holy, holy
I am wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly yours

I am wholly yours
I am full of earth and dirt and you

Here I am
Everything

From A Collision, David Crowder Band.

Hey Rock, Keep Quiet

My life is full of love at the moment. From well meaning people whom I love, but have broken my heart in the process. They speak to me "in love" but nothing they have to say is lovely. Nothing is grounded in the truth of God's word. So the Love of my Life has stepped in. He's reminding me who I am in Him every time I seek Him in His words to me. And I might be cutting off the circulation to His hand because I'm holding it so tight and trusting Him to bring me through this. I never thought my love life would be anyone's concern but my own and God's. But its big business around here presently. My community has helped me stay grounded in the truth of who I am and each word of comfort or hug they give me is another evidence of God's love for me. So I will not let that dumb rock cry out in praise before I do. I'll sing for Him through this even though my voice is a little shaky at the moment.....

For some reason I tend to think that satan has certain morals and standards. Like there is a line he just won't cross. Yeah, that's so far from the truth its ridiculous. It's unwise of me to forget that he's dangerous and doesn't pull any punches. Especially if he thinks I am/will be a threat to him. And yet he still has to ask God's permission to try and knock me flat. Sometimes God says yes, and other times God says no. Either way, He's right here with me, faithful and constant. I need to not think so much and just trust that He knows what He's doing even though my eyes might not see where He's going.

The important thing is not to think much, but to love much: do, then, whatever arouses you to love.....
Teresa of Avila

Blessed in Baker

Today was the best day I've ever spent in Baker. Actually, today was the only day I've spent in Baker before in my life. Its a city north of baton rouge. Anyways, I had thanksgiving with a friend of mine, Heather, and her family. It was wonderful. I come from a small family. Me and my sister, mom and dad, that's pretty much it for the holidays. Since we moved around so much growing up, it was small, intimate gatherings, but we all have fun together.

Like I said in an earlier post, I wasn't able to make it home for thanksgiving, so Heather was gracious enough to invite me to eat at her house. I gotta admit, I was a little nervous. I'd met Heather's mom once for like five minutes, and the rest of the family I'd only heard of. So as I'm driving there, I'm praying that I don't turn into Captain Awkward when I get there. I find the house, which is beautiful by the way, and is real close to some big church out there. I can't remember the name. More importantly, I had a fabulous thanksgiving. There were people everywhere!! There were cousins, uncles, aunts, grandfathers, grandmothers, and pets. It was like a dream come true. Chaos everywhere, but so much fun I wouldn't have traded it for the world. I sat at the kid's table across from a first grader named Alexis. We talked about school and books and coloring. Then a little later, over pecan pie, I had to do a little verbal sparring with Heather's grandfather because he was giving me a hard time about why I work for a non-profit instead of using my chemistry degree to make "big money."

God really wowed me this thanksgiving. I walked into a house full of strangers and walked out an honorary grandchild. It was such a blessing. I love when God surprises me. He knew I missed my family and gave me a substitute one to love on today for a few hours. He's so gracious and I hope He blesses me with a huge family of my own one day.

The Chapmans have a few traditions of their own that I found delightful. They sing this song that Heather's dad made up, and they all hold hands and pray around the table before they dig into the meal that the ladies have prepared. Our family traditions are we all go out to eat, and then we go see a movie on a holiday. So I kept half of the tradition by going to see a movie after Thanksgiving lunch. To read more about it, check out Ann's blog.

My Sense of Humor?!

Its been brought to my attention recently that my sense of humor doesn't really translate too well to the written word. Wisecracks about my physical appearance, family, marital status, race, interests, etc. are meant to be lighthearted and jolly. I'm nothing if not lighthearted and jolly, but I'm also not a writer. For heaven's sake, I've got a science degree. I think God gave me the ability to laugh at myself so I take the opportunity to see the lighter side of life as much as possible. However, if my humor has not come across as is intended, my apologies. I amuse myself daily and this blog really is just my randomness about my life with a steaming side of funny. At least, that's my intent.

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended:
That you have but slumbered here,
While these visions did appear;
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend.
If you pardon, we will mend.

See? I can write! Ha, not really, that's Bill. He's pretty good at the whole writing thing. Its a quote from A Midsummer Night's Dream. Not my fav Shakespeare play, but definitely top five....

Uh, Thanks?

I don't know if you've heard, but Thanksgiving is Thursday. No, I won't be going to my parent's house. I think this is the part where God strikes me with lightening for not going to them this holiday. It's not a tale of woe and sorrow that I won't be there. It's a 13 hour drive. That's not a typo, Texas really is a big state. And they live on the far side of it. Having said that, I adore my family. In fact, I will be spending all week with them on a ship during Christmas, so I can get all the family time I want then. It will be me, my sister, my sister's fiance, my mother and my father. Yeah, do the math on that. Odd man out? I think so....Moving on. In honor of the whole idea of giving thanks, here's what I'm thankful for.

God. Family. Friends. The Ring. Music. My Community Group. Taco Bell. Laughter. Hamburgers. Worship. Puppies. Books. Opportunities to serve. Unexpected care from random people in my life. Rocky Road Ice Cream. Freedom. Mission trips. Playing with kids, then returning them to whomever they belong to. Shoes. My Roomie. Movies. My job. My hair, yes, I complain and cut it off, but it's a great conversation starter.

And last but certainly not least, I'm thankful for........You!

Soaking It In

This post really doesn't have much to do with anything except what my heart and life is looking like at this moment. That's my disclaimer and I'm sticking to it.....

I'm going through a phase in my life. Who isn't these days? God is a God of process and right now I feel like I'm in school again. Certain people and circumstances in my life are encouraging me to step up and take a different role in loving on people. I'm not trying to be intentionally vague, just protecting the confidences I've been entrusted with. So I've been reading a lot. Not casual reading, the kind of reading where I take notes, reread it over until I get it, kind of reading. When I don't know a lot about a subject, I read. So I'm reading recommendations from friends as to how to use the gifts God's given me as well as how get more comfortable with those gifts to further the kingdom. Asking for opinions and advice pretty much anywhere I can get it. I need to get more comfortable with the whole idea of mentoring people. I need to get over the idea that pastors and children's ministers are the only ones who are mentors. We all are. Right now one of the books (Spiritual Mentoring: A Guide for Seeking and Giving Direction) I'm reading says:

Spiritual mentoring is a ministry given to each of us as we live in our families, in our friendships, in our churches, on our jobs and in all places we find ourselves. (pg. 22)

I leave the difficult stuff, the hard to talk about stuff, to my pastor and the Es. And God is now trusting me with people who don't know the pastor or the Es. They don't know God. They know me and the God I show to them. Or they know God, but have only walked with Him a little ways and need to be cared for as they grow, and God is giving me the opportunity to encourage and walk with them for a little while. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but it's intimidating. I'm asked to solidify and explain my relationship with God. It's a vulnerable thing to walk with someone through this walk of faith. It asks a lot of me. Time, commitment, trust, faith, love, tenacity, humility.

And I also need to maintain my own relationship with God. Sometimes God tells me to pump the brakes and just sit and talk with Him for a little bit about how we are doing together. He did it yesterday on the road. I was calling people, checking up on them, praying for my church, my friends, my leadership, and then God mentally tapped me on the shoulder. He wanted to hear about how I was doing. So I just stopped what I was doing and just started chatting with Him about what's going on in my life. It wasn't a prayer or a sermon, it was just me talking to my Father. This life goes by so fast sometimes, that I forget to just stop and sit with Him for a while. Those times of silence do wonders for my heart......

Don't miss the voice of God in this time....God has your attention now while your life is only in first or second gear. Quit fighting it, and use your slow pace to listen. (pg. 40)

I See What I Wanna See

I went to the eye doctor today. In hindsight, I should've asked someone to take me, but anyone I'd think about asking to take me has a real job and taking me to the eye doctor would not have been a highlight to their day. Me and my pride get along well as you can see. We're the perfect couple. So I go to my optometrist and she gives me some new contacts. I frankly like my glasses, but occasionally the need arises that contacts would be better. Like cleaning up muck in Chalmette for example. So I pop in the new pair. They feel like silk on my eyes. Ahhh, it feels like my eyes are sighing. Yep, a definite step up from the pair I usually wear. Its like comparing sandpaper to silk. There's really no comparison. So I'm chatting with her about the contacts and she asks me if I want to dilate my eyes. Let me give you a little background into my world of vision. When I say I can't see three inches past my nose, I'm not being cute. I literally can't see. When I go to bed at night I place my glasses squarely by my alarm clock so they won't get knocked off. If I wake up and they are gone, I try not to freak out. I'm helpless. And I don't do helpless well. If my glasses get knocked off my face or anything like that, I'll freeze and not move. Someone has to guide me to where they are or I just drop to my knees and start feeling with my fingers as they strain to reach for my glasses wherever they've gone. Growing up, my eyes have always been bad. Now that I'm an adult (ha!) they've slowed somewhat. Which is a good thing, but I still need to stay up to date in my care of my eyes because I run a greater risk of problems since I'm so blind. I agree to get them dilated. Here's what happens. She drops a dye into each eye, then waits for 20 minutes as they go numb. Then when my pupil is dilated enough, she shines a light in them to look into the back of my eyes for any problems. Driving is not a good idea, and light is literally painful. The effects last for 4-6 hours. It sounds like cake. In reality, she gives me a tissue first. This is for the dye that will my eyes will be straining to push out by tearing up. So I lean back, she drops a drop in. I have to keep my eye open and head back as she does it again to the other eye. I use the tissue to wipe at my eyes. The dye is this bright yellow color. My roomie says, like pee? Yes, like pee. That really bright pee that means you've had too much caffeine. So my eyes are "peeing" at this point. Now's the really fun part. I go out into the waiting room and sit there as my eyes begin to go numb. Its such a weird feeling and I never get used to it. I have to remember to close my eyes when I wipe them because I wouldn't be able to feel the tissue if it was scratching my eye. Yeah, no pressure. So my pupils get bigger and bigger to where you can't see the green part anymore. Like a cat. You know how when they are really content, the black part of their eyes are little slits? But if they are freaked out, you can't see any of the color? That's what dilating your eyes does. So they are finally ready to be looked at. Yeah, that whole "minor sensitivity to light" in actuality is razors of pain as she shines this knife of light into my eye. Yee-ouch. But my eyes are healthy and looking good. All this time I'm asking her about eye problems being hereditary. I don't want this for my children. The moral of this story? Don't pick on the kid with glasses. We've got enough to deal with.....

I'm Not Ready to Die

Its been an eventful day. And as I write this my hands shake and tremble. I had the epiphany that I'm not ready to die. I didn't come to this lightly. Certain circumstances brought this realization to mind today. I was on my way home for lunch. My office is only a few miles from my house, so my usual routine is to go home for lunch. It gets me out of the office for a little bit and ready to get some work done when I come back. First stop was at the mall where I needed to pay a bill. It looked like it was fixing to pour buckets, but I thought I could make it. So I go in and pay my bill, but by the time I get done, its now raining heavily. Of course it is. So I slip off my heels and start walking to my truck. I'm almost there when this vehicle drives past me, splashing water on me. Seriously, who does that? I guess it didn't matter because I was soaked anyway, but come on!

So I'm safely in my truck and its raining cats and dogs. I go straight down Bluebonnet to take a left onto Jefferson Highway, the road my house is off of. I'm the first vehicle in the left hand turning lane, closest to oncoming traffic. As I'm sitting there, I look to my left and think, gosh, it sure would suck for someone to have a wreck here. Not 5 seconds after I think that, there is a car that is turning right onto Bluebonnet, and another car comes from the opposite direction. They collide. Horns blare, tires skid, and both cars lock together and slam into the vehicle directly behind me.

I'm not a couragous soul. In fact, there's not much bravery in my make-up. I have no doubt God was watching over me during all of this. When it comes to my personal safety and security, its pretty much me and Him these days. More Him than me. I try to be smart about this physical world, but as much as I'd like to disagree, some things ARE beyond my control.

Chivalry in Chalmette

Saturday I was up at the crack of dawn. Ok, so it was around 6am, but it sure felt like it was closer to 3am. Probably because the night before I'd gone out with my community group to go bowling and then to girls' night.

Why am I up this early you ask? Because I was going to go down to Chalmette (east of New Orleans) to help as part of a demolition crew for a few of the houses that were flooded; not because of Katrina but because of the levee breech. Oh yeah, I'm going to be a huge help with a demolition crew. I'm five-four, weigh not-a-lot, and don't know what a bench press is. However, I do have two hands and a stubborn streak, so I figured I could do a little something or another there. Why not? God's done crazier things before, surely He'll help me out with this. And He did, but I'm jumping ahead. So I get a friend of mine to come with me and we head up to the church. You can tell who the morning people are because they are oh-so-chipper, meanwhile I'm just waiting to pounce on anyone who gives me a hard time about not being a morning person. So as I sit in Crabbyville, more and more people arrive and then its time to go. Ok, so its like 9 guys and 4 girls. We were totally going to do some damage today. Its now 7:30am by the time we get on I-10 to head south.

The drive to NO was not bad at all, I got to play DJ in our vehicle, so that was fun. Anyways, as we get closer to NO, I begin to see the signs of damage. I'd not been down there since the hurricane and flood. In fact, the last time I'd been to NO was the thursday before Katrina hit that following Monday. I'd been to an organizational fair at Dillard University, one of the three traditionally black colleges in the area. The University itself did not fare well in the flood, about fifty percent of the faculty will come back to the school. Back to my story, I was not ready emotionally to see the damage. It was heartbreaking. I just sat there as we drove farther and farther into the devastated areas. I saw cars on top of cars, trees in houses, boats on the road because they had gotten loose from their bonds. Yes, it was sad, and I found it hard to breathe, not from the air, just because I began to see how devastating this really was. And then God was gracious enough to show me that these people who'd had everything wiped away in one fell swoop had not given up. There were signs everywhere of God bless, we will rebuild, we'll make it, if you need help, call so-and-so. It was incredible. Then we arrived in the neighborhood where we would be working. There were signs of life being rebuilt, cleaned up, and a determination that this too shall pass. We stopped at the houses we were going to demolish, got out, suited up, grabbed tools, and started getting to work. When I say suited up, I mean, leather work gloves, rubber gloves, big huge rubber boots, and dust masks. Yeah, I'm glad I was there to look good because otherwise I'd have looked ridiculous. ;) Although I gotta admit, I'm so glad I wore the boots and gloves and ratty clothes because everything needed to be burned after we got done. It was a whole lot of fun. Yes, it was work. Serious work. I've not shoveled muck like that since, well, never actually. And the million nails that ended up being pulled out probably could've been used to build another house. But I'd sign up to go again in a heartbeat.

I noticed a lot about my community Saturday. The guys in my community, aka my church, have some of the best hearts I've seen. They worked SO hard!! The girls did too, but after we got done working on the houses, we went to another house where the men loaded up a few of the trucks with a displaced students' furniture and then delivered it once we were back home in Baton Rouge. That's the type of community and church I want to be in! Where they put their needs aside and give to others? I'll sign up to be a part of that. I saw God in them Saturday. That's my community, that's my leadership, that's my church, and in the end, that's my God.

The MAN

Hmm. There's nothing fun and weird happening right now this week. I mean there is stuff going on but its not jet enough to actually blog about. So what's in my life worth blogging? How about my favorite characteristics of the Man Upstairs? That's right, I'm gonna make a list of why God is the love of my life. Here we go:

I love God because:

He loved me first.

He has a fabulous sense of humor. (i.e. a giraffe? hilarious.)

He is stable.

He is faithful.

He gave His pride and joy for me. (i.e. that Jesus kid. Don't know who I'm talking about? Check out John 3:16.)

He makes me smile.

He is gentle.

He is ferocious.

He randomly sweeps me off my feet.

He randomly smacks me upside the head.

He's still shaping me.

He is mighty.

He gives fantastic hugs.

Alright, that's it for the whole 5 minute brainstorming I did for this list. I expect all of you to add to it. Why does God light up your life?

My God in Whatever

I travel a lot with my job. It's all Louisiana roads so I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm driving. Things I do on the road include text messaging (not a good idea and yet I still do it), singing at the top of my lungs (I'm pretty sure I'm tone deaf), and quiet time with God (my favorite). If you know me, I'm a little bit in love with Steven Curtis Chapman. So I was listening to one of his CDs and Whatever came on. Here are some of the lyrics:

"I made a list, wrote down from A to Z All the ways I thought that You could best use me Told all my strengths and my abilities I formed a plan it seemed to make good sense I laid it out for You so sure You'd be convinced I made my case, presented my defense But then I read the letter that You sent me It said that all You really want from me is just Whatever, whatever You say Whatever, I will obey Whatever, Lord, have Your way 'Cause You are my God, whatever"


This song is so like me. I have the irritating habit of picking and choosing what I'll trust God with in my life. And half the time I don't just sit there and trust Him, I mettle. I truly desire His will, and yet I have trouble just letting Him have total and complete control. What audacity to think the Lord of the Universe needs my help. Delayed obedience is still disobedience, so I'm taking it a day at a time trusting Him with every facet of my life. I'm learning but its a slow process. In this world of "I want it now" God tells me to chill. The One who romances me, fights for me, claims me as His, and loves me more than I can comprehend, knows where my life will lead. Its just a question of how hard I want to make it on myself. Let's hear it for the slow learners.....

My First Tailgate at LSU

Saturday I went to my first tailgating party at LSU. It was fun. I got to hang out with a ton of friends and get to know a few of them better. I sat with some friends of mine from my community group. I don't think I've explained what a cg is in a while so I'll recap to refresh everyone's memory. A community group is a branch of the church I attend. Its not a bible study. We do study the bible, but mostly its a few people getting together once a week to get involved in each other's lives and find out how God is moving and growing us. It's wonderful. Ideally, its a group of 8-10 people. If that group gets bigger, and that's a good thing, we split into two groups. My group has 24. Which is too big. We all get along great and we need to split, but that's a story for another time. Back to the tailgate. It was really fun. I just sat and chatted with people. Met a few faces I didn't know, but for the most part, just sat, laughed, and ate. Speaking of eating, there was plenty of food. Hmmm. I love food. And our pastor made jambalaya, hamburgers, hot dogs and chicken wings. Yay, food. It was scrumptous. The jambalaya burnt the hair off my tongue, but I'm a big baby. And I ended up practically licking the plate anyway. Even though I didn't have tickets to the game it didn't matter because I had an absolute blast just hanging out at the RV. I'm officially a fan of LSU tailgating. Keep it on the downlow though, I'm not supposed to like anything LSU.....

Tigerama

Last night I went to LSU's Tigerama. And dare I say it, I enjoyed it. A lot of my friends graduated from LSU and with it comes the ingrained pride that I every so often, once in a blue moon, might give them a hard time about. I have absolutely nothing against LSU and it would not surprise me if my children one day go there. In the meantime, I pretty much take every opportunity to make fun of the LSU craziness that runs rampant in this town. I went with a few guy friends of mine who make me laugh at myself a lot. If I had a lick of sense, I'd be knocking on their door to take me out, but alas, hope springs eternal for another. So we go to this Tigerama thing. I know little to nothing about music, but I didn't have to know anything to have a good time. The wind ensemble and symphonic wind people played three songs and then the marching band came and played along with the color guard and golden girls. My favorite was the LSU Rhapsody that the ensemble did. It was a fun song. We sat with the Parkview Band Director and he really likes when the ensemble plays God of Our Fathers. During the last part of the song, the marching band comes filing down the stairs and they all stop and play in the aisle. Its cool. Speaking of the marching band, they work really hard. They stood up during the whole program and the sweat was pouring. I like when the band dances with their instruments. They don't really dance but they swing side to side and it just looks fun. Speaking of dancing, the marching band leaves that to the color guard and the golden girls. I'm not really a big fan of the golden girls outfits. They leave nothing to the imagination and I wanted to give each of them a sandwich. They were tiny. They were beautiful, but I think that they could show off their dancing ability with a little more fabric to their costumes. The guys with me weren't complaining so I kept my comments to a minimum. Meanwhile, the color guard was good too. The flags look great flying in the air. At the end of the program they played the Alma Mater and everyone was singing, it was great. All in all it was a good night. Now I'm going to my first tailgating party with the ring. It should be fun. LSU fans are a wee bit crazy.

My Nephew, Sort of

Allow me to introduce you to the twinkle in my sister's eye. His name is Higgins. (Yep, as in the butler from Magnum P.I.) He weighs over half my body weight, adores my sister, and wiggles his whole body when he's happy because he has no tail. Louis, my future brother-in-law and Leanne, my sister, dropped by on their way to Houston Tuesday night. They live in Florida, but Louis' office was destroyed thanks to Hurricane Wilma so they are going to be living in Houston for a while. They packed up a few clothes, all the meat in their freezer, and this little hairball to relocate to H-town. I always love seeing them for a few reasons. One, they're family and I don't have any in these parts, no blood relation anyway. Two, Louis loves Leanne and I enjoy seeing my sister interact with the man who's going to hang out with her for the next 60 or so years. And last but not least, they are a little crazy. Everyone needs a dose of crazy in their lives every so often to shake things up a bit.

O Those Louisiana Men

So I was in the metropolis of Pineville today. I was on a two-bit road on my way to a school and there was a train blocking the tracks. No big deal, I'm early for my meeting anyway. So I'm sitting in my truck minding my own business, when the guy in front of me gets out of his Ford. He's a middle aged man, hasn't missed too many meals in his life, and has on jeans, a long-sleeved flannel shirt and a beat up cap. I kid you not, he gets out of his car, looks at me, rummages in the back of his truck, pulls out a miller light and gets back in his truck. I'm thinking, he's not going to open it. I'm not from these parts, but I'm pretty sure open container laws are popular throughout the U.S. Nope, he totally opens it. Then a few minutes later pulls out his can of Skoal. Let me just tell you there's nothing more attractive than a middle-aged lawbreaker with a mouth full of chew.

Einstein and Su Doku

So I went to Barnes and Noble today. I try not to go too often because I consider books one of my favorite things in life. I love to walk the halls of libraries and see what kind of treasure I can dig up. Books were my friends growing up, and I learned to love them. And I'm still appalled when I see a book that's been written in, or has dog-earred pages. I was taught to treat them with respect and honor, like grandparents. You are gentle with them because they are older and wiser than you and you could learn something from them. Anyways, now that I'm a grown up its up to me to finance my book addiction and little things like rent and gas and food kind of take priority. But today I splurged. I took $20 in and walked out with two new best friends. One of them is a book of Su Doku. Su Doku, roughly translated in Japanese meaning "number place" is a mathematical crossword of sorts. It looks like a crossword, except it uses the numbers 1-9 and only requires logic and patience. Each row and column must contain 1-9 and there can not be any repeats. I like it for a few reasons. One, I'm a math nerd and two, it keeps my brain sharp. I've not been in college for a few years, no you don't need to know how many, and I like the idea that this helps keep the little grey cells moving about. The second book I bought is called Dear Professor Einstein. Its a book of letters that children wrote to Einstein and his responses to them. I've got a huge amount of respect for that man. Plus I'm always fascinated at the different views of historical figures, besides the events that made them famous.

I should really be asleep right now because I'm going to Alexandria tomorrow, but I think I've got time for one more Su Doku.....

Blonds Have More Fun?

Ah, physical appearances. Man, can they be deceiving. Since this is my blog and I can do what I want with it, I'm going to use myself as an example. Whew....here goes. If God was Santa Clause, I'd ask for a recall on my birthing hips, the fact that I can only see three inches past my nose without my glasses, the cowlicks I wake up in the morning with, and how more often than not I stick my foot in my mouth. I would give it all back to God in a heartbeat. When it comes down to it though, when you look at me, I'd rather you see my heart. The Bible says out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. And for some reason I've had that verse flitting through my mind lately. I want everything that comes out of my mouth, spoken or written, to glorify God. I want to be known for the actions my heart leads me to do within the context of God's will, not my curly hair or snot green eyes. Yes, my hair is fun, and my eyes are remeniscent of snot, but those are the least important things about me. I want you to see a life that is striving to please God, no matter what that may look like. Growing up I used to wonder what it would be like to be tall and tan and head-turningly beautiful. I think every girl wants to be that when they are growing up. We all want to be cherished and thought lovely. Then the world comes in with its own standards and status quos that we are told to try and measure up to. I never did fit that mold, and I don't think I ever will. And honestly, I'm excited about the fact that I don't fit in. I fit God's mold for me. Allison Deanne Miller. There's only one of me. But I'm His daughter and He lovingly made me, so I'll be a good steward of what He's given me and live my life serving Him and the others He placed around me. I love the fact that God is constantly transforming us. I only hope that I never lose the excitement and wonder of His hand continually shaping me and those I love.

By the way, this photo was LSU's Halloween Carnival. I went as an angel (Who am I kidding?). On the way there, three vehicles honked at me. All of them were of the male persuasion. Apparently that old adage about blonds having more fun might have a ring of truth to it....Nah.

Hampton Court Hooligans

So I like to laugh. Actually I love to laugh. I think its one of the reasons God created us. I mean, look at the world, there's stuff showing His sense of humor everywhere around us. For example, a duck-billed platypus? Hilarious. Other stuff is just straight up funny. Like this picture. Check it out. Its at Hampton Court in England. Henry the 8th's pad. Henry the 8th was the king who liked to chop off his queen's heads. They couldn't give him a son, so he chopped their heads or had the marriage dissolved. He had a total of six wives and four mistresses. Classy guy, huh? Anywho, this was my last semester in college a long, long time ago. We were on a class trip to Hampton Court and there were random people in period clothes walking around and chatting people up. So Conor, on the right, was begging for a reason to mock the guy in the dress, so Chanel and I went over to say hello and swoon a little at his accent. Meanwhile, Conor couldn't stop giggling at the fact that this poor chap was wearing a skirt....

Everything's Bigger in Texas

So I can't talk about Texas and not brag. I think most of you roll your eyes anyway when I mention I'm from Texas with a big grin on my face. However, I'm not going to talk about the better school system or the fact that if we were still a republic we'd be the second wealthiest nation in the world. But I am going to post these two pics. One of them is the speed limit down a long west Texas highway, and the second is a random Texas fact that was on a box of chicken strips that were served with GRAVY. Yum....

My Little Sis

This picture is one Leanne and I took with Melissa Fowler in Audobon Park in New Orleans before the hurricane. I'm horrible at taking pictures. I totally turn into Captain Awkward when someone is taking my picture, its ridiculous. Meanwhile, its one of the ways my sister makes a living. She's not a photographer, she's a model. Are you that surprised? I mean really, look at her. Isn't she stunning? Her personality oozes with confidence. She's so great. Anyways, Leanne had come down just after being recently engaged, so we were doing random sister things like mani-pedis and photo shoots. The story behind this pic is that it was the very first shot of the shoot. We were actually just sitting there waiting for Ms. Fowler to get there. When she did, she just started clicking away. The rest of the afternoon Leanne kept trying to get me to relax as Ms. Fowler is following our every move with her camera flashing. Two rolls of film later and I don't think I ever did manage to relax....

Bobby Joe's Chinese

This picture was taken in Monahans, Texas. Its one of the many towns I've lived in in Texas during my short lifetime. Anyways, my mother and I were beebopping around town, going to antique stores and planning on having lunch with a friend of ours. She used to by my 7th grade teacher. She treated us to chinese at Bobby Joe's Chinese Restaurant. Check the photo. The food wasn't that great, but they did have one saving grace, they served Pepsi.

The Little Millers

So for the next little while, I'm going to be telling short little stories using the pics in my camera that I took while I was in Texas. Some of them are current pics, so of them are obviously not. For example, this picture is the day my dad married my mom. I was three and Leanne was two. My sister is the blond in my mom's arms with the chubby cheeks and I'm the camera shy one with my dad. Not much has changed really, my sister still has chubby cheeks that you just wanna squeeze, and I'd rather take the picture than be in it. During their marriage ceremony, we were supposed to just sit quietly in the pew. Yeah, my sis has always had a flair for the dramatic, even at the age of two, so in the middle of the ceremony, she takes off like a shot straight up the aisle. Everyone thinks she's just the cutest with her little blond curls. And she is. She's a little bundle of joy except for the small minor fact that she was screaming her lungs off cuz she wanted mom. But it was alright, cuz mom just picked her up then called me over too. So in the end, we all got married together, as a family.

God's Country

Howdy Ya'll!

I'm in TEXAS!!!! And from the minute I stepped off the plane, my dad went straight to spoiling me and my mom has been gushing over me from the moment I got to their house.

This is a picture I took through my dad's truck window as we were driving from Midland to McCamey. The plan is to post a few pictures with random stories from my trip. But at the moment I'm distracted because my dad's fixing my steak. Forget this computer stuff, that steak is calling my name......

Sigh, I'm in Love!!!!

Last night was dreamy. Not in the girl, pink is my absolute favorite color way. Last night was great because I had the chance to worship with a heart that had been pretty battered but is still beating. God is so gracious! I really don't think my feet touched the floor at church. I am so in love with Him. Not because He sweeps in and rescues me. Although He definitely does that. Plenty of times. Its the fact that through thick and thin, He's still with me. I can complain and moan and groan, and go through the rough times and He's still right beside me. Or I can laugh at His creativity with the world He's made, or just smile at His gentleness with me. We have a hammock in our backyard, so last night, after the Ring, after Jason's Deli (Which I'm not a fan of, but I love my friends so I'll suffer through it), I just sat in the moonlight with Him. I didn't say much, I didn't really need to. Just looked at the moon and thanked Him for thinking I'm worth all the trouble He goes to to love me. Giving His only Son, enduring my temper tantrums, knowing full well I'm not perfect and still loving me for it. How could I not love Him?

Miracles, Signs and Wonders

I'm glowing. Right now there is the biggest, chessiest grin on my face. Wanna know why? Because the God of the Universe, my Father, gave me a miracle yesterday. It wasn't anything along the lines of making me mute or deaf. I wasn't raised from the dead, and I haven't taken any jaunts on any water lately. It was exactly what I needed at the exact time I needed it.

Let me start at the beginning. Tuesday night my friend Katie called me. Now Katie is a real smart cookie. She has the uncanny ability to look at me and see me. Not the fancy smokescreen dog and pony show that I can turn on and off like a switch. Anyways, I was invited to a Tuesday night cg's birthday celebration at Cheesecake Bistro for Laura Marks. (She turned 21. Happy Birthday Beautiful!) As we are sitting in the waiting area, Katie calls my cell. She'd had a big weekend and I thought she was calling me to tell me how it went, so I ran outside to take her call. Nope, not one word about her weekend, she called to check on me. She's asking how I am, why I'm taking the actions that I am, etc. Not getting angry or judgmental with me, just trying to understand where I'm coming from. So I tell her I've fallen for every doubt I've encountered lately and have no clue what I'm doing. I tell her I know that I'm not supposed to be quitting anything yet I'm too weak to do anything about it. She listens to every little piece of my heartbreak and then says, I think its going to hurt you more by not serving. I see you when you serve, you love it. Its written all over your face. She's right. Don't get me wrong, I get tired. And there are times when I just need a break. But its my form of worship. I don't have a beautiful voice that brings others closer to heaven. I have a heart that serves others. Its not full of flash and fanfare. Its just a sincere desire to serve others to glorify and point to my God. So after we get done talking she asks if she can pray for me. She said what is it going to take for you to understand that God is faithful? So I, kind of flippantly, said, "A miracle. God speaking to me in an audible voice." She replies, Ok, that's exactly what we'll pray for. I almost laughed out loud. A miracle? I don't have the faith for a miracle. Other people get miracles. People who have the faith to move mountains get miracles. (And for those who know their Bible, yes, I know that to move a mountain, the size of your faith only needs to be the size of a mustard seed.) People in third world countries who live on faith and little else get miracles. As she's praying I'm hoping and praying that Katie has enough faith for the both of us. Because I'm running pretty low in the faith category. She gets done praying, and I go eat cheesecake. Keep in mind this is tuesday night....

Wednesday morning my cell phone starts ringing. I didn't recognize the number. Usually I don't pick up the phone if I don't recognize the number. But then I had the thought that it might be one of my students. I'm not a teacher, but I work with college kids all over the state, so it might be one of them. So I pick it up. It's Rob. From the Ring Rob. He's calling to see why I wasn't at the Southern shelter the day before. I tell him that I'm pretty much quitting anything and everything that resembles service in an effort to get my focus back on God. He says, Well, I've been praying for you and it sounds like you still need prayer. I'll keep at it, but I don't think this is what you should be doing. I tell him I agree with him, thank him, and hang up....

As I'm sitting at my desk three minutes after the phone call, I hear in my right ear, "I'm loving on you through them." And then I recall all the phone calls, emails, blog comments, text messages that have come in the past few days. People just coming out of the woodwork to love on me and help me up as I've fallen flat on my face. So if you were one of the ones who took the time and followed God's leading to love on me, THANK YOU!!! You were my first miracle!! God used you to let me know that even though I fall short He still has me and has a good and perfect plan for my life. I'm so humbled and awed by His grace and the next time I see any one of you, I'm totally gonna love on you. Just wanted to give you fair warning....

The Cowardly Lioness

In my dastardly plan to get back to God, I've dropped every form of service that I have been involved in lately. And its slowly killing me. I'm at the point where I second guess everything. I'm happy serving with others and loving on people. And somewhere along the line I gave into the doubt and whispers in my ear that being content by giving to others is insufficient. You don't make a difference, they don't need your help, you don't really need to build them up, you're a fake. You are not worthy of being happy. All lies. Complete load of crap. And yet I'll believe that in a heartbeat rather than the truth. If I'm brutally honest with myself, I don't know what the truth really is. I've got a still small voice that leads me to serve and love, but is that God? Are the desires of my heart of God? How do I know? Do I run and hope that the heartbreak I'm going through will just magically disappear? Or do I stay recognizing that these trials make me stronger for whatever is ahead? Bringing me ever closer to the God who never leaves or fails me? The God who knows exactly where I'm at because He knows what the future holds for me.

"You see," said the Cowardly Lion, with a whimper, "I haven't the courage to keep tramping forever, without getting anywhere at all."

Sunday Night Hurt...Alot

Sunday Night at the Ring I could've lived without. The teaching lately has been over Psalm 23. This week it was over Psalm 23:3, 42:5,11, 43:5 and Jeremiah 2:13. The topics were settling and being downcast. In a nutshell, drinking muddy water and building your own cistern because you are settling is a bad idea. It kills you slowly and doesn't let God lavish His amazingly wonderfully huge plans for you. The Shepherd takes care of us, but a lot of the time we settle instead of waiting and trusting the Shepherd to know better than we do. This "don't settle" phrase is usually used for dating relationships, but it can be tied to anything that we do. Ok, fine, I'm not in a dating relationship. This doesn't apply to me. I'm ok, you're ok. We're all fine in the imaginary world I've dreamed up. But God had other ideas for me that night. It was high time I faced the music as to what's really going on in my heart. I've totally settled. Ouch. That doesn't feel good.

I managed to go from I'm doing just fine to turning into a complete ball of tears and snot as the terrible truth and I came to face to face. I love to serve. It gives me joy to love and serve others in any capacity I can find. When I started serving way back when I first came to the Ring, it was to honor God with my actions. It was all about God and serving Him by serving others. Recently, almost without me noticing, it has turned into being all about me and serving one. And that one was not God, that one was me. So Sunday night I faced the pain, heartbreak, shame and embarrassment that I had shifted my focus from God to me and my desires. This is not what God has planned for me and I know it. So now I'm trying to backtrack and get back where I need to be. Firmly ensconced in His arms and doing His will, not mine. Easier said than done. I'm tired of struggling with the same crap that I give over to Him daily, minute by minute sometimes. Is this the life that God has called me to? Weak and struggling with my own selfishness? I'm not a coward. I fight for what I believe in. I just don't fight for myself. I will trust God in a heartbeat to work a miracle in other's lives, but He's not big enough to work a miracle in mine. When did I become a girl that settled? When did I limit God? What arrogance!

So now begins the humbling process of me coming back to God. He's there with open arms, calmly waiting for me, I just still feel sheepish about the whole thing.

Careful, He Bites...

Today I had spit slide down my face. Oops, I've skipped ahead to the juicy part (get it? yay double entendre). Let me start at the beginning. At the shelter during the first part of the day, we have the kids who are too young to go to school come upstairs and play with us. We do crafts, read, play connect four, candyland, you get the idea. We have these metal fence barricades that encourage the kids to stay in an area that we can somewhat control. They know they are not supposed to go under or through them, but today I had a runner. He's about a foot and a half tall and when he doesn't get his way, he screams in a high pitch whine that sounds dangerously close to girly. Anywho, this little guy gets upset and one of the volunteers comes up to me and says that he's ran under the barricade. I tell her, I'll get him and start making my way over to him. Thus begins the battle of me and a toddler. I take one step towards him, he takes four. All the time I'm telling him that I will get him and we will go straight downstairs. After a little cat and mouse I have him in my arms and I'm talking to him, asking him why he's not doing the right thing, reminding him of the rules, etc. He then pinches me, so I grab his hand. Keep in mind, he's still in my arms. So one arm is holding him in my arms, the other has his hand. We are walking towards the door. He screams in my ear. I say, "Please stop screaming." He drops the F bomb. I immediately stop walking and say, "Excuse me? No, sir, you do not say words like that." So he spits in my face. Not a little bit. It was a straight up mouthful of spit that hits my cheek and proceeds to slide down my face. I try to control my gag reflex and hope that this not the highlight of my weekend. "No, sir, you do not spit on people." The next phrase that comes out of this child's mouth? "F you." And then calm as you please, bends down and bites my hand. My hands are not long and slender, if anything they are short and stubby. However, I don't have enough insulation on them to be able to take a whole lot that doesn't show on my skin. As I'm typing this I'm looking at my right hand. There are little teeth marks on it. Thank you irish ancestors.

My Role at RCC

The "worst kept secret in town" is out. The Ring is becoming a church. Slowly. And we're all pretty excited about it. Some of us are as giddy as a kid in a candy store. Others are too cool to show how topsy-turvy excited they are. At the Elder Q and A session they had Sunday night, I almost panicked. After the questions about very adult things like membership classes, pastor salaries, and church discipline, I realized that this is actually a big deal. It'll ask a lot of me. Time, effort, patience, money, love, faith, and a whole lot of prayer. I need to decide if I'm still as committed to the Ring as a church as I was when it wasn't.

Last night I had dinner with a friend of mine at Outback. On a sidenote, the quickest way to my heart would involve Chinese or a great steak. Outback is one of the few places in Baton Rouge that I deem worthy enough to order a steak. It in no way compares to one of my Dad's Texas T-bones hot of the grill, but oh well. So we were giggling about how great it was that the Ring Community Church is going to happen, when she asked me a question that I didn't have a witty answer to. "What do you see your role in the church being?" Me? I don't know. There are a few people who already have an idea of what they want to do or be involved in when it comes to the church. Me, not so much. Right now, all I really do is smile a lot and play with the words on the screen during worship and the sermon. And even that I don't really do well. One of these days the higher ups will realize that I'm learning as I go and half the time, I'm flying by the seat of my pants.

So what's my role? Sheesh, you're totally asking the wrong person. My sister, for instance, is amazing with prayer. She can pray down heaven. It's wonderful. I'm great at acting a fool praising God in my truck. Or playing devil's advocate in theological discussions to push people into standing up for what they believe. Or recognizing the spiritual gifts in others. I can do that. Recently, in the past 3ish or so years, I've grown into the role of encourager. I love doing that. Oh and serving. I love giving of myself to others to point people to my God. It doesn't matter whom. I just see it as a chance to glorify God in my actions. I'm ok with not knowing my role in the new church just yet. I know God's got a plan for me no matter what, and I do love His surprises.....

7 Year Olds Pack a Punch

So I got taken out by a 7 year old. Yeah, it kind of hurts my pride a wee bit. I've been volunteering at a shelter for the past month now and love every minute of it. Even the rainy days which are crazy because the little ones run around like banshees when we have to take them inside. The kids have found a new game they like to play. Its called jump on someone's back unexpectedly. Now, this game is fine if you are a strong dude who can take it. We have a fabulous bunch of men who volunteer. They have good hearts and you can tell because they are gentle with the little ones and can rough house with the bigger boys. I'm great at cuddling and loving on them. Not so much with the rough housing. After a few days of them jumping on me my ribs were a little sore. Ok, I knew I had a day off coming up so I'd just take it easy. Turns out that a few volunteers were sick or couldn't come so I decided to come on my day off. I made it through the day, and then the last 20 minutes or so a 7 year old was crying about a toy she wanted to play with. So I picked her up and hugged her until she started giggling. Well, then she decided that I was lots of fun and didn't want to get down, so she locks her legs. Ok, fine. I'll just tell her to let go. She doesn't want to. So then begins a battle of getting her off me without hurting her or myself. An older kid decides to help me out. So he starts tugging on her. When he jerks her, she locks her legs around my ribcage. So he then jerks harder. I try not to scream in pain and get her off me at the same time. Finally she lets go.

Four x-rays and a few bruised ribs later and I'm taking a few days off from volunteering. Is it a bad sign that things pop when I laugh?

When I Get Mad at God

I'm mad at God. Yep, I said it. And as I type this there are tears trickling down my face. The slow pathetic ones that you don't even realize are there until your shirt is drenched. You see, today I got a phone call from my sister. She's younger, prettier, and lights up a room just by walking into it. She also happens to be my best friend. And she's sick. And right now, I'm not ok with it. When we were growing up we got heavy metal poisoning from the water we drank. There was a dairy farm in our town that was dumping their waste and it got into our well. It almost killed her. My mom said that one day we'd realize the effects it had on our bodies. One of those results seems to be that I won't be an aunt.

My sister is in pain and I can't do a bloomin' thing about it. I sit here in Louisiana and she's in Florida. I asked her if I should go over there, she said no. So today we just kind of sat on the phone and whimpered. There wasn't a lot I could say. I'm an encourager and I couldn't say one thing to make her feel better. My own sister!! A perfect stranger I can build up and love on, and when my sister needs me to be strong it took all I had to not just sob there on the phone. I couldn't give her the "God has a plan in all of this". Or "in God's timing if He wants to bless you with children He will." I refused to give her some canned answer to why life just sucks big time sometimes. And that pain and heartache are not specific to the unsaved of this world. We are both Godly women. We've heard all of the cliches and the sermons. We are not new to this walk of faith. I just forget that sometimes this path hurts and I get mad at God. I push Him away and yell at Him out of frustration and pain. But deep down I know He's still holding me. And He's still holding Leanne. No matter how He chooses, in the end its all for His glory. But gosh, sometimes it hurts real bad. Especially since I can't see what He's doing. The not knowing gets me because He knows I'm a bit of a control freak. But I'm a control freak created for Him.

So if you've lasted this long with this story would you mind doing me a small favor? Could you just say a little prayer for Leanne and her fiance Louis? Her big sister would really appreciate it.

Finally, My First Kiss!!

He's short, sweet, and makes me giggle constantly. And he kissed me yesterday!! Ok, ok, so he's one of the kids from the shelter where I've been volunteering. And the kiss consisted of him putting his little hands on my face and kissing my cheeks. So I still haven't had my fist kiss, but that's a completely different story. The moral of this story is that service is one of the greatest opportunities God has given each one of us. I came upon this epiphany today as I was riding back from Slidell. The community group I'm in has psuedo-adopted this couple who were completely impacted by Katrina. So this was Saturday number two of us helping out them and their neighbors. We moved stuff, threw stuff out, tried not to yack because of the smell of mold and even did a little landscaping since Katrina felt the need to throw trees around like matchsticks. Anyways, on the way back home I was looking at the clouds grinning at how creative God is, thanking Him for His graciousness in giving me the chance to glorify Him through serving others and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He's given me the honor to serve people. In fact, He's given it to all of us. Do you realize that offering help, a little cash, or even just a smile have the power to impact lives? We all have the capability to be Jesus to someone. More often than not, God places people in our paths where the only thing we need to do is point them to Him. That doesn't mean that everyone is called to be a preacher or a children's minister. But you never know how God will use the actions of one to impact many. So when God asks you to serve someone, what will be your answer?

My Sword is Dragging...

This past week has been rough on me. I'm not sure why. My days consisted of work, then going to volunteer at a shelter, then going to bed. Doesn't sound terrifying, but it was. Here's why. I've had a nightmare every night that week. That's not a big deal until I give a bit of family history. Ok, I don't dream a lot. If I have a nightmare, its usually the Holy Spirit telling me that something is about to happen that I need to be ready for. And its never happy stuff. Or lotto numbers. Its just God giving me a heads up, this might hurt a bit and you need to be ready. Its like that with all the women in my family. We get a spiritual pinch once in a while. Alright, enough history.

So I'm having these nightmares. Not like I was giving a speech in front of the class naked nightmares. These were serious, I wake up terrified at 3am and can't get back to sleep because of them nightmares. I remember all of them. Here's the Cliff notes version of a few of them:

Nightmare #1
I was at a home that I knew was mine but had never been to before in real life, and there was this guy there who I knew wasn't supposed to be there. He knew it too. So I went upstairs to figure out how to get him out of my house. I needed someone or something to help me get him out, but help wasn't coming. When I went back downstairs I just looked at him. And although he didn't "say" anything to me, I got the distinct impression that he was there to get me. It was only a matter of time and I needed to accept that fact that he was going to win. At this point I wake up, a little in shock that it was so real. And then I start praying.....

Nightmare #2
I'm in a white truck, might have been mine (yes, I drive a truck, but am still very much a girl), but I wasn't driving. I was in the passenger side. I'd been in some type of accident and I couldn't see. I start yelling for someone to help me. I'm wimpering and trying to find the door handle. I'm not in physical pain but I'm starting to panic. All of the sudden I'm out of the truck. I know my friends are there. I can't see them, but I can feel their presence. I'm grasping out to them, straining to just touch them. Calling out to whomever is there to just come a little bit closer so I can feel them. They don't move. They stay just out of my reach. At this point, I wake up with tears streaming down my face. And then I start praying.....

Nightmare #3
This was the scariest one. I guess because of its simplicity. It was me and that guy from the first nightmare. Nothing around us. Just me and him. And he's staring at me with eyes that turn my blood cold. I know I'm supposed to fight him. I can feel it, but I'm dragging. The only thought I have in my mind at the time is that if this guy is representative of who I think it is, he can't have me because I belong to Another. The guy gets closer and closer to me and I'm so scared. Terrified. At the point where I physically can't take any more, I wake up. My heart is racing and I've lost half my body weight in sweat. And then I start praying.....

Ok, I think you get the idea. Bad dreams. I'd prayed after every nightmare and it wasn't the magical bandaid it was supposed to be. I didn't fall asleep into a gentle peaceful slumber. I didn't think of pink unicorns and fluffy bunnies. I was scared and I stayed awake until it was time to go to my office to work and then volunteer for a couple hours a day. I would pray every night and read my bible before I went to sleep and ask that God would protect me from whatever was going on. And I think He did. Every time I walked through it, God was faithful to bring me out of it. Was I worried? Scared? Wondering what was going on? Heck yes I was!! I contacted friends and family to see if everything was alright. And I still had nightmares. And then saturday night, I asked God if He could just snuggle in with me so I could sleep and then eight hours later I woke up. I know I slept in His arms that night. It was wonderful. I think He said enough is enough and drew the line.

So here's my theory about the nightmares. I think I'm doing what God has called me to do. Serve and love others. And I think I'm pissing off the underlings. I know that not everything is an attack by Satan. But I was thinking about it yesterday. You know that Satan has to ask permission to mess with us? He had ask God if he could mess with Job back in the day and he still has to play by God's rules. So am I becoming a threat? Does Satan see me as an adversary he needs to knock out? I honestly don't know. I don't think I'm some spiritual giant. I'm not a preacher telling the world about God. I'm just trying to live a life that glorifies God. And I'm not new to spiritual battle. I know that I fight spiritually and sometimes my sword drags in the sand. Not because my heart is not in it, I'm just physically and mentally exhausted from the physical world. And Satan is dumb enough to think that just because I'm weary and tired, I can be had. Sure, I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box, but I'm the daughter of the One who made the box. And sometimes when I'm too weak to fight, He takes over and fights for me.

Watching the Body Work

Sunday night at the Ring was really cool. No, really. We sent Amy and Leslie off to Africa. It's kind of funny because growing up in church, I'd always heard about boys going off to be missionaries and they all were going to Africa. I'm not sure why it was Africa. Apparently the "unsaved and unchurched" only resided in Africa. Good grief. The ridiculous notions I thought were truths when I was young.

Anyways, so Amy and Leslie are going to teach English to kids. More importantly they are going to serve and show people God in the way that they live and act. I'm so excited for them!! I can't wait to hear about how they've grown and what God did while they were there. Sunday night they each said a little something about how we could pray for them while they were away, and then we were asked to come down to lay hands on them and pray for their journey and experience there. It was so great to watch the body come together and corporately send them off. You could hear the praise and petitions for them as we all prayed. I wonder what the expression on God's face was. I won't have the audacity to try and comprehend His thoughts, but I'd like to think He was proud that we were acting as a body should. Sending out those to serve abroad, while others stay here to serve this community. I love it and I look forward to seeing what God has planned for this community....

So Eli, Where You From?

I honestly don't even know where to begin. Katrina came and went. Then the levee broke and families and lives were torn apart. I've been volunteering with the refugees at a few places around Baton Rouge. And from all of the emails and calls I've gotten it seems to me that there is not enough of the good stuff getting through to the world at large. So here is a little light-heartedness for all of you. To be perfectly honest, I've not gotten to the point where I have thought about it. I just rely on God to give me the strength to serve and love on those that I am meeting as I volunteer. I mostly play with children. And I think I've found another spiritual gift. I'm a couch. No, really. Every day I've worked at the shelter, a child has found his/her way into my arms and promptly falls asleep. It's mildly disconcerting that I'm boring to a toddler. Oh well.

Today we had a few celebrities come into the shelter. I was with my group from the Ring, waiting outside to be let in. There were a lot of cops and media for some reason. I thought it was a bit odd because the media cameras are not allowed into the shelter itself. So I'm standing by the door and this guy wearing a red cross smock walks up to me and says he appreciates me being there. I had the opportunity to tell him that we were playing with the children to give them and their parents a bit of a break. He turns around and grabs another man and introduces him to me. So I stick out my hand and introduce myself and say, "Hi, I'm Allison Miller. So Eli, where you from?" The man says, "New Orleans." I'm like, ok, that sucks that he's from New Orleans, considering that there isn't one any more. And then I wonder if he's lost his home like the rest of the people that I'd met at the shelter. He then thanks me also for working with the kids. Meanwhile, a few friends of mine around me weren't saying much. Which is weird, but I didn't say anything about it at the moment. After the guys moved away, Nathan and Hannah, look at me and say, "That was so awesome." I've got no clue what they are talking about. That's when they explain to me that I had just met the Director of the Red Cross and Eli Manning, quarterback for the New York Giants.

I'm Anti-ing the Next Hurricane

Let me preface this with I know little to nothing about hurricanes. From what I've understood, they are tornadoes on water. Tornadoes, now that I know about. I lived in the middle of Tornado Alley in Oklahoma for eight years so those I understand. They don't bother me much. I know what to do, how to prepare, what to tie down, etc. But hurricanes are a different story.

Saturday rolled around and people from New Orleans were evacuating. Since New Orleans is below sea level, people were really concerned about flooding. Meanwhile, in my neck of the woods, my friends were buying stuff and "stocking up." I wasn't sure why they were going to all that trouble if it was only going to affect New Orleans. Once again my naivete knows no bounds.

Sunday comes. I go to church and help out with powerpoint. It's a program that flashes on the wall so people can see the words of a song on a screen instead of bending over hymnals. I love doing it because its service and I think we are all called to serve. But that's another story for a different day. There were 15 people at church. Ok, so maybe I'm being dramatic, but really it was slim pickins'.

Then I head to Sunday School. Its notable that sunday school was chock full of people; it was great. We talked about the Trinity. God being three in one. God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. It was a spinoff of the service. We finish and then I head home. Usually people go to lunch, but I duck out this time. I'm not really feeling too well at this point. I'm not in a lot of pain, but I can feel it coming. Its on the edges of my mind, tickling my nerve endings. I chock it up to the stress of the past few days. Nicole, my fabulous roomie, comes home and says she's going to go stay with her mother because she's all by herself. In the meantime, the Ring is cancelled. Which means I've got the night off. I serve in the same way sunday nights as I do in the morning. But I get to be a little more creative at the Ring. I'm allowed to pick the backgrounds and videos. I love it! Once again, it goes back to that whole service thing. Anyways, back to my story...

It's around 6pm sunday night. Nicole had left a while back because of the traffic to go stay with her mom. I'd been told to expect power failure and don't drive anywhere. Ok, no problem. I'll be here at home in case something happens. By this time, my head is killing me. I can barely stand up it hurts so bad. You know those headaches you get where your eyes throb with the ebb and flow of the waves of pain in your head? Yep, that was me. So here was my dilemma. Do I take something or just try and lie still and hope and pray it will go away? (On a sidenote, I am the cheapest drunk you will ever meet. No, I've never been drunk, but if I've got a headache, just looking at a tylenol will make me feel better. It's pathetic.)

Let's recap. Katrina is blowing in. I'm alone. My head is knocking me off my feet. If I take something, I will not be able to drive anywhere if something happens. If I don't take something, I just might pass out from the pain. And passing out is not fun. The lack of oxygen kills so many brain cells, and I've passed out too much in my lifetime already. I've got a theory that my IQ has been affected because of it.

I take two tylenol around 6:30pm. Fall asleep in the fetal position and wake up at midnight. Toss and turn and moan and groan for a while. Fall back asleep in the fetal position. Wake up, move to the bathroom and fall asleep on the floor in the fetal position. I'd moved to the bathroom because I thought I was going to blow chunks. Which probably wouldn't have happened because I hadn't had anything to eat since lunch sunday afternoon. But give me a break, I was kind of out of it. Anyways, around 7am, wake up because the power flicks off and the security alarm goes off. So I turn that off, kind of in a daze because the alarm doesn't help my head at all. And then once again collapse into my bed barely noticing that it sounds like a tornado is right outside my window. 10am comes and I'm conscious enough to notice that the power has really gone out this time and I need more medicine, so I wobble down the stairs and find more tylenol and a couch. Katie, in the meantime, had called and sent me a text message seeing if I needed anything. I tell her no, I'd thought about coming over, but I'm too overmedicated to drive at this point. Ann and Nathan drop by out of nowhere to check on me. Which was so nice by the way. Ann tells me later on that I looked like I was dead. I believe it. I seriously felt like shinolah. So Katie comes to pick me up and I go to Katie and Anns where they feed me some soup and I once again pass out. A few hours later, I ask Katie to bring me home so I can see if everything is alright. It is, the power is back on, so I sleep in my own bed monday night. But this time, not in the fetal position...

So that was my first time with a hurricane. May I never go through another one. At least not alone anyways. I'm off to sleep again, my head is starting to throb again....

Church Politics Make Me Nauseous

Tonight I went to my first church business meeting. The ironic thing is that I was really excited about it. The community I'm involved in, the Ring, was going to be affected one way or the other with the way the voting went, so I went to show my support.

Here's how I thought tonight would go. I'd go to church, hear a message, and then have a meeting afterwards. During the meeting, I thought that a friend of mine, Josh, would talk a little bit about the future of the Ring to the rest of the church, have everybody vote, and then everyone would high-five each other and we'd all hold hands and skip out of the church. One big happy family.

I'm pathetically naive.

Not about the vote, that went fine. Without a hitch. What sucked was after the vote. There was a time for any other motions to come before the church. A man walks up and asks if "Mr. White" can finish out his study on Ezekiel. This is my first business meeting and I think, man, that's a little weird, to ask about some guy being able to finish out his bible study. The reaction from the crowd was even more weird. They asked how long he would take to finish it. Wait a sec. Huh? Since when do we (church body) decide how long a study should be? When did we get that responsibility? Aren't we as the body supposed to be led, not lead? Sorry, I'm digressing. So the vote passes and Mr. White gets up there. He says, "I'm not sure how much time I've got." People speak out and tell him to be finished by 7pm. Its around 6:45pm at this point. So this man starts talking. From what I've heard tonight, he is following God's call. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on which side (that's right, I said side) you're on, that call seems to be calling out the church body itself as a whole as to what's going wrong. He's not pulling any punches. And apparently has made some enemies in the process. Because every two minutes he would look at his watch to make sure he was keeping to the proscribed time. My heart broke a little each time he glanced at his watch. I just wanted to stand up and yell, it's ok to speak God's truth!! Sometimes reproach is a necessary tool. God's word even tells us how to go about it the right way. So he finishes his message in his allotted time. I'm heartsick at this point, but it gets worse. After everything is over, there are two men in front of me who are whispering to each other. They are very intense and have a malicious air about them. One of them is whispering behind his styrofoam cup into the other man's ear. That's when I wanted to throw up. How does a church get like this? I don't understand it. I just want to throw something and sob at the same time. The Bride should not be acting like this. We should not look like the world. And from my perception of this evening, that's what I saw in my church tonight. A whole lotta world, and not a lotta God.

God's Drum Kit...

It all started when I tried to take a nap. Sundays are chock full of stuff and I love every minute of it, but I try to catch a few winks between 2ish and 3:58 because I need to be up at the church for 4. I'm dragging once 9pm rolls around if I've not gotten my cat nap. Which probably means I'm old, but I'm in denial. So I go have lunch at Cane's, wishing the whole time they had gravy instead of Cane's sauce to dip my chicken strips into, but I digress. Then I head home and snuggle into my bed. Ok, the way my room is set up, I've got my bed running parallel to the windows. I like to see the moon and stars before I hit the hay. Anyways, there was a thunderstorm rolling in. A really strong thunderstorm. When the thunder rolled, so did the house. It was amazing. It reminded me of that verse (Luke 19:37-40) about the rocks crying out if we ever stopped with our worship. I never did get my nap, but I got some great me and God time. It was the coolest thing to just lay there and listen to the sound of the rain coming before I could see it and to feel the rumbling as the ground shook with the thunder. I'd like to think it was God's version of a drum kit. That's what it sounded like to me anyways. I should probably insert the fact here that I know nothing about music, so the fact that I just used the term "drum kit" may make it sound like I do, but really I know squat. I just like to use hip buzz words to make it appear like I'm cool. Like hip, and cool, and jet.....