Family History

With all this Christmas commotion, its made me think about family. My physical family as well as my spiritual family. My family is from County Antrim, Ireland. I only know this because we have a book on it. The patriarch of my family was a guy named William Anderson. His grandson was named James Anderson. His nickname was "Tyger" Jim. He married a gal named Mary "Polly" Miller. I'm not from that Miller line, I'm part of the Anderson chaos, even though my last name is Miller. My descendents were big on starting churches. They started two. Rockey Springs Presbyterian Church in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania and Nazareth Presbyterian Church in Spartanburg, South Carolina. I've no idea if these churches still exist. The closest I ever got to a Presbyterian Church was going to an extremely loosely affiliated Presbyterian college.

And the tradition continues, my spiritual family is starting a church as well. The Ring started out as a college ministry of Parkview Baptist Church in Baton Rouge, La. And in 2006 will be launched as the Ring Community Church. I've only been going for around three years now. Practically since I've been in Louisiana. My mother wanted me to find some "kids my own age" to play with. She was a teacher here in Baton Rouge, so she was asking around about college ministries. I'd recently graduated college and didn't know a soul. So someone recommended Parkview. We all go as a family to a Sunday morning service. And then I try the college class. I hated the college class. I was new and wasn't really loving the whole church shopping idea. I'd found in my limited expertise that its usually a miserable experience. And this time around was no different. I try Parkview for a month. Every Sunday I met the same people in Sunday school who didn't remember my name. It bugged the ever livin' tar outta me. I remembered theirs and there were like 16 of them and one of me. Give me a break! So I started praying about it. Was I supposed to stay here? Would someone finally remember my name? Or was it back to trying to "fit in" somewhere else? Around this time, there starts to be a buzz in Sunday school that the Ring was starting back up from Christmas break. Uh, ok, the Ring. What the heck is that? So I'm still praying about if this is where I am to invest my heart or not. God not only tells me this is it, He tells me to jump right in. Don't try and fit it, just be yourself. Head first, no safety whatsoever. That's exactly what I did and I've never looked back. And God has blessed every facet of my life because of trusting Him and diving in when He said leap.

Was That Who I Think It Was?

Today has been a day. Around one this afternoon, my sister called me about a procedure my grandmother will be going through with tomorrow. She's got a weak heart so they are going to try and fix it by doing two operations. But she might not even make it through the first one to try the second one.

Death has not touched my family yet. I have no idea what its like to lose a loved one. Which is a blessing, but hasn't equipped me for even the possibility for death. How do I prepare for that? More importantly, how do I love on my family through this?

I go to cg tonight and get loved on famously. They aren't even aware how gracious they are and that tonight I'm just soaking up every little bit of affection they'll give me. And my cg leader did something he's never done before. We pair up into a straight line, then encouraged each other for 30 seconds and then rotated. It was wonderful, even despite the fact that I looked like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer after because I was trying so hard not to cry.

After cg, I called Katie and asked her if I could come over. She said she had to walk the dog and I said, "I'd love to walk the dog!" Anything to get my mind off of my gma. So I meet her at her house and sniffle my way through what my heart is feeling and not feeling at the moment. Then we go walk the dog. I'm talking about the fact that death scares me. A lot of my family is not saved and to be eternally separated from God is the scariest thing I can possibly think of. We are walking down the sidewalk, Katie is quietly talking to me. I reply to something she's asked me and she all of a sudden says, "Hello." I look up and there is a man standing there on the other corner of the street looking at us. The way the light is hitting his face, I see every feature of his face but his eyes. They were just black holes. His expression on his face was what got me. Like he had to move across the street because we were walking there. We turn the corner and I turn and look back and he's still watching us. I don't say anything to Katie, I'm very quiet. I get the distinct impression that whatever he was, it had to make way for God's presence and it didn't like that very much. We walk about half a block, still not saying anything. Then I say, "Was that evil?" Katie's response? "I don't wanna talk about it, I wanna talk about Jesus." So that's exactly what we did, all the way home. Then we stopped at the bottom of the stairwell and thanked Him for His protection.

I love that He was listening to my heart cry out while still protecting us from the evil that seems to be lurking around everyone lately. That's my Protector, my Defense and my fierce God!!

Why I'm Golden

I love music. Not that I know anything about it per se, but I think its amazing. I tried to learn how to play a violin once. In fact, I've still got it. Its in my closet, collecting dust as we speak. I tried to learn in college. I had a friend of mine who played beautifully. I'm pretty sure the angels stopped to listen to her when she played. One day she had the bright idea to try and teach me how to play. Fast forward to the part where I tried to learn how to read sheet music. That stuff is Greek to me. Needless to say after many hours of trying to grasp it, I politely declined any more music lessons.

And writing songs? Forget about it. I'm in awe of people who write their own stuff. That people I've never even met or will meet can write something that touches my heart is very cool to me. How they can pour out what they are feeling into an intelligible format and add music to it is somewhat of a miracle to me. I'll never be able to do that, and I'm fine with that. It gives me the ability to appreciate their talents more. I love that God has gifted all of us differently. One song that has applied very recently to my life is a song by Switchfoot. Which I actually did meet in New Orleans a while back. They were headed to dinner before the show and I recognized them. Then they tried to play it off like they weren't the band I'd expressly come to see that night. Uh huh, I'm not that gullible. Anyways, here's a bit from a song called Golden in their Nothing is Sound Album.

"She's alone tonight with a bitter cup, and she's undone tonight, she's all used up. She's been staring down the demons who've been screaming she's just another so and so, another so and so. You are golden. You are golden, child. There's a fear that burns like trash inside, and you're ashamed of the curse that burns your eyes. You've been hiding in your bedroom hoping this isn't how the story has to go. It's not the way it goes. You are golden. You're a lonely soul inlet of broken hearts. You're far from home, its a perfect place to start. We've been talkin' about a feeling, we both know inside but couldn't find the words. I've seldom been so sure about anything before. Golden, you are golden child."

Identity has been a victory and a struggle lately. There are times when I'm perfectly fine in who I am in Christ. And there are other times when I let people or circumstances around me define my identity. Its always a humbling experience when I realize that I've fallen for the lies that satan has thrown at me. I'm not new to this walk of faith and more often then I'd like to admit, I let people's opinions and perceptions become the truth of who I am. Which is a LIE. Dad gum it. Even when I'm on my guard spiritually and can feel satan's breath in my face, he manages to get a pot shot in occasionally. Well, no more of that. I am who I am because I am in Christ.

And I refuse to let satan's recent paltry and unbelievably painful attempts to take me from the community and body that I'm a part of succeed. I am loved here and love here at the Ring. Its where I serve, its where I worship, and its where God has placed me. I belong here because God has seen fit to put me here. I've traveled the world and He's placed me here, in Baton Rouge of all random places. And the only one taking me from this community will be God. I refuse to give anyone else the authority. I'm His and His alone. And yes, I'm digging my heels in and there is a decidedly stubborn tilt to my chin. But its with an air of excitement and joy that I type this. God is going to continue His habit of doing great things. I can feel it in me bones.....

I Do Love You

I do love you; I'm just not ready to announce it to the world.

This was a saying on a calendar that my coworker bought for me as a birthday present a while back. This was actually December 3's entry but I'd been on the road last week so I had to skip ahead to today's date. As I read it, it kind of made me think. But we all know I'm a big over analyzer so that shouldn't surprise you.

Is it really love if you can't show it? I mean, isn't love supposed to be wild and crazy and shout to the treetops? Or is love the steady, quiet, confident kind that shows in someone's eyes? So I looked it up. There are a ton of definitions of love. I picked a few that caught my eye:

A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair. To have an intense emotional attachment to. A feeling of compassion; with no thought for a reward. To like or desire enthusiastically. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment. A score of zero in tennis or squash. The passionate yearning of a heart.

My parents are an example of earthly love. They've been married since I was three, and I'm now a little older than three. Life hasn't always been easy for them, but my parents still love each other. In fact, my dad still writes my mom poems. When I stayed with them at a hotel last week, I was just about to fall asleep when I heard my dad whisper to my mom, "I love you Sweetie." To me, that's love. When life turns out to be a little different than you expected it to, and somehow those differences make it better, that's love.

Out of all these definitions, my favorite would have to be the last one. Sometimes I shout to the world that I'm loved and love God. Other times, its hiding just behind my eyes. Its really up to me how little or how much I show you the love that steadily and confidently burns in my heart. Ah, the glory and agony of free will.

E is for Enthusiasm

God is AMAZING! I just got back from cg and I can barely keep my excitement in. God is so great!! I haven't been healed from leprosy or healed of a bleeding sickness like back in the day. Check out Luke 5: 12-16 and 8:40-47. However, I have been saved from being dead inside. And if that ain't something to shout about I don't know what is. Tonight we were talking about how God's grace has covered all of us outcasts and brought us into a community of believers. I was saved when I was a wee girl, so I don't have much of a sob story when it comes to being redeemed. Growing up I used to feel guilty that I hadn't been saved from a life of crime or drugs. It was just a natural step to take being raised in church. More of a process than anything really. But that doesn't mean God accepting me as His daughter is any less of a miracle. Occasionally, more often than I'd like to admit, I lose the enthusiasm of the redeemed. So as we were talking about it tonight, it just got me all excited. On the way home I was just singing and dancing in my truck praising my little heart out that the God of the Universe thinks I'm something else. So I'm at a stoplight, not really paying attention to my driving, and there is a car next to me. As I look to my right, probably doing the wave or some other ridiculous dance move, the guy next to me is just laughing at me. And I felt a little sheepish. But hey, this sheep's been saved by grace and I'll shake it to my heart's content because I can feel Him smiling when I'm praising Him in joy and thankfulness. Sigh, He's so G-R-E-A-T, GREAT!!!

It's Official!

Today we had our office Christmas party. I work in an office with four women and we all went to lunch at J. Alexander's. The food was alright, I've never really been impressed too much by it. But we giggled all through it and had a great time. God's really blessed me with a job I love and three women I'm honored to know, much less work with. One of the girls brought crackers for us to pop. They have these plastic charms in them. I got the plastic tiger. Which means I'll be traveling to an exotic place soon. Ooo la la. As for the presents, the plan was that we were going to do a Chinese Christmas. You draw a number (how many people you have participating) and the number tells you how many times you can trade if you want to. Well, we didn't end up trading because we all loved our gifts. We all happen to have fabulous taste by the way. I got a necklace. Its a multi-color band of blues and greens with a silver fleur-de-lis charm. It's beautiful. And was then told that I'm an official Louisiana girl because of it. The fleur-de-lis is big in these here parts. It was kind of fun to be admitted into a club I wasn't even aware of.

Disclaimer: In no way am I revoking my statehood by acceptance of above mentioned necklace. I will always be a Texan. No matter what I may be wearing around my neck. ;)

Hope Deferred

Just where I'm at at the moment...

Tonight at church, Proverbs brought a grin to my face. The book of Proverbs and I go back a ways in the history of my life. It's probably my favorite book of the Bible if I had to pick. My mother always woke up early to read it before the day started when I was a wee girl, then when I was in junior high, I memorized the book twice. We had to recite it a chapter at a time, 3 helps or less. Did I mention I wasn't allowed to wear jeans growing up either? Crazy but true. Which might explain why I'm bit of a prude.

Anyways, at 5:45 prayer today, I did my usual habit of reading a few verses or chapters before inviting God into our presence. It gets my heart ready to speak with my Lord. Let me start off by explaining what 5:45 prayer is. Its a 30 minute time period before the corporate service starts at my church. My pastor sometimes gives a synopsis of what he plans to speak on, gives us a broad stroke of where he feels God is leading him, or he just lets us loose to pray however we want. I like when he just lets us loose to pray for anything and everything to prepare the room for the God of the Universe to show off.

So I'm reading a few verses and a few of them bring a smile to my face. Others have a big neon flashing sign with my name on it because it applies to what I'm going through in my life at the moment. Tonight one of those verses was Proverbs 13:12.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

As of 47 days ago, I began hoping. Not a great hope, more of a yeah right, that's not gonna happen but my heart is too naive to think otherwise kind of hope. I don't think hope is bad. I think its a healthy part of my heart. However, I'm also analytical and when faced with facts tend to toss that ol' hope right out the window. Ok, I try to. But there's that itsy bitsy spark that smolders and doesn't go out. The past week has doused that hope. Reality has set in. And I'm eerily calm about it. In fact, I'm eerily calm about everything at the moment. Like I've just been beaten to a pulp and everything is just numb. That's where I'm at. Like I'm present in the moment, but not actually IN the moment. Like I'm just an observer to my own life. I know God is going to do something great in my life, but at the moment, I'm too numb to even guess what that is or will be. So I understand the "hope deferred makes the heart sick," but haven't gotten to the "longing fulfilled" part yet. I'll let you know when God sweeps in and does something about that whole "longing" thing. Right now I've got the inkling He's just waiting. Probably for me to stop using all this book knowledge in my head and have a little faith.

I sure can't wait for Him to show off in my life.....Then I'd really have something to write about!!

Wholly Yours

I am full of earth
You are heaven's worth
I am stained with dirt
Prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity

What a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth
Flowers come up pushing through the dirt

You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries holy, holy God
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like you are

You are everything that is bright and clean
And you're covering me with your majesty
And the truest sign of grace was this
From wounded hands redemption fell down
Liberating man
You are holy, holy, holy

All heaven cries holy, holy God
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like you are

But the harder I try
The more clearly can I
Feel the depth of our fall
And the weight of it all
And so this might could be
The most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean

Holy, Hallelujah
Holy, Holy, Hallelujah

You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries holy, holy God
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy, holy God

Here I am all of me
Finally, everything
Holy, holy, holy
I am wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly yours

I am wholly yours
I am full of earth and dirt and you

Here I am
Everything

From A Collision, David Crowder Band.