Dear Reader:

Howdy.

I'm WAY more comfortable shouting to the rooftops about what God has done in my family. Certainly more so than letting you know, uh, I'm a little freaked out here and not sure what the eight step plan is to accepting my mom having cancer.

Back story...two weeks ago my mom had a biopsy done. She had a spot about the size of a pencil eraser about an inch under her left eye. She was diagnosed with stage 1 melanoma. Which is only a little bit of cancer (God is gracious), but our family is relatively healthy as a horse so it was slightly intimidating that my mom had been diagnosed with the big C. Surgery was scheduled for Oct. 3 to have the offending spot removed. Its removed by taking off one layer of skin at a time, looking at it to see if it still has cancer cells in it, and then going on to the next layer until you reach healthy skin. (I've been reading up.)

Leanne (sister) stresses that mom needs to get a 2nd opinion, but this surgeon wants her to go in for every spot and have this 4-6 hour surgery done for each spot. Needless to say, we are less than thrilled with that idea.

Leanne emails a perfect stranger, albeit Texan, who is the head cancer specialist for one of the major hospitals in west Texas. We didn't expect a reply, figuring that he's a very, very busy man. Well, lo and behold, he sure enough does, with a personal recommendation for a Dr. C. He says he's really hard to get into, but call and see if we could get her an appointment.

I call the office on Monday, praying and sweating bullets that they can get her in. I talk to a very nice woman named Tiffany, and tell her about my mom's situation and is there any way to get her in. 30 seconds go by as she flips through her appointment book. There's nothing available...And then she says wait! I can squeeze her in at 3:15 this Thursday. Again, I recognize God's handiwork in all this....

My parents live in a small town. And my dad told one of his secretaries that they were going to get a 2nd opinion with a Dr. C. She says, Dr. C? How did you get an appointment with him? We use him and he takes months to get an appointment! Once again, God shows up in this...

So Mom had her 2nd opinion appointment yesterday. Dr. C was great, he was an "old codger" but he checked out every little spot on her body and said the only one showing signs of cancer was the one that the biopsy was done on. She's got a lot of spots, but only ONE looked troublesome. (Yep, pretty positive that was God too.) Mother really liked the nurses and pretty much the whole office itself. Sigh, God is great, once again...

Dr. C is sending her to a plastic surgeon because the spot is so close to her eye and it gets kind of tricky when its close to eyeballs. Her appointment is for Oct. 10. She will not be having the surgery on Oct. 3.

As for me, I'm doing good, in a surreal kind of way. It's over. The past two weeks have been heaven and hell pretty much. Even when I thought I lost sight of Him, He remained faithful. And speaking of losing sight, I owe all of you an apology.

I have a post-it note on my computer with Gal. 6:10 on it. It says, Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

I belong with you. You are my family. Yet I've kept you somewhat at arms length through this. I'm not sure how ok you would be with me if you actually knew how much I can be a crazy, scared and selfish brat. I'm very sorry for not trusting you to walk with me through this. Please forgive me. For those of you who pushed through my hypocrisy and vulnerability to love and care for me, thanks.

And most of all, thank you to all of you for all the prayers for us. They are appreciated more than I can tell you.

Sincerely,
Allison

Old and New Miracles...

Last night I was babysitting at church. Courtney taught me how to burp a baby. You really do have to kind of smack 'em. Who knew? Certainly not me! Anyways, that's not the story I'm telling you...

When the parents started coming in, Ms. Diane said my name, and a mom turned around and said, Allison? Allison Miller? (I smile the bemused smile of, o crap, what have I done?) I nod, and reply, Yes Ma'am, that's me. She says, well, I've been wanting to meet you for some time. (Same bemused, even more befuddled look on my face... ) How's your job? Congratulations on that! I'd seen your resume going around and you just got a job so fast here in Baton Rouge, I was just amazed!

She's talking about when my old job was put in peril because of government funding. I was in the ok, God, what now? state of mind. I'd given my resume to someone and various people started looking around with me as well. Two to three weeks later, in the somewhat scary Baton Rouge job market, God led me to a great job. I've been there over three months now...It's now an old miracle, but still hasn't lost its wonder...

Now on to new miracles. I'm friends with a couple that have been trying to have a baby for going on five years now. We were talking about letting go of complete control of the situation and handing all of it over to Him. She said that she'd just gotten to the point where she gave every single bit of it over to Him.

I asked her if I could tell my community group about it. She said sure, and I promptly asked them to pray. Five DAYS later she walks in to tell me they're expecting! I'm not positive that our prayers had anything to do with it, but I am positive that God uses His timing perfectly so that we have the option to glorify Him in His surprises...

The Horse Whisperer

1As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage and Bethany at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two of his disciples, 2saying to them, "Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. 3If anyone asks you, 'Why are you doing this?' tell him, 'The Lord needs it and will send it back here shortly.' "

4They went and found a colt outside in the street, tied at a doorway. As they untied it, 5some people standing there asked, "What are you doing, untying that colt?" 6They answered as Jesus had told them to, and the people let them go. 7When they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their cloaks over it, he sat on it. 8Many people spread their cloaks on the road, while others spread branches they had cut in the fields. 9Those who went ahead and those who followed shouted,

"Hosanna!"
"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!"
10"Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father David!"
"Hosanna in the highest!"

I was reading this story (Mark 11) today in my car. It's where I have my quiet time. I sit in my car in my parking lot at work. Yesterday, a coworker, gave me a hard time about it, but frankly, that don't matter a hill a' beans to me. My heart needs that quiet morning and digging into His word. It makes for a much better day than when I shrug Him off.

Anyways, so I'm reading this story and a few things stuck out at me. One, it reminds me of Easter, which is my favorite holiday, yes, Christmas is fun, but I just like Easter better. Two, He rode a colt into town. Not an old wise horse who knew the road, knew the people and other animals on the road. He chose a youngin' to bring Him.

Let me tell you a little bit about colts. Especially colts who have not been broken. Broken, or broken in, means that they have gotten used to a saddle/rider. Before they are broken in, they are referred to as green. They're skittish. They jump at the slightest surprise. They freak out when you try to just put a saddle blanket on their backs. They're not used to the weight or feel of it and it scares them. They shy away, run, or kick.

To make a colt comfortable it takes hard work, patience, and understanding. The trainer has to recognize what kind of weight or situation the horse is ready for. It could start out with just running a hand down them, and then move up to a brush, then part of the saddle blanket, the blanket itself, an empty, untied saddle, and so on until the horse is ready for its first human rider. Said rider should have catlike reflexes in case he/she needs to make a quick exit in case the horse spooks.

But not Jesus. He didn't need any of that. The colt was brought in, Jesus sat on him, and away they went into town. The story doesn't say, on the way there, the colt spooked and threw Him. I think it shows another example of Jesus' effect on everything He touched. The colt was at peace with His weight. I bet that little horse never forgot his first Rider...

My Own Book of Psalms?

I believe the Bible is God's word spoken through men. I'm in no way comparing myself to any of those dudes in the Bible...That's my disclaimer and I'm sticking to it...

me: it was just unexpected. just like all the other pure shinolah i've been blindsided with lately
God remains faithful
its just surprising the crap he's trying
Ann: it's intensified for sure
i'm proud of you
me: thanks, but i don't think you should be
Ann: why?
you're proclaiming God's faithfulness, even during a very scary season - that takes guts and it tales faith
me: and gets me slammed even harder
Ann: of course it does
me: not complaining, cuz it means i'm doing something right
Ann: exactly
me: but dang
Ann: i feel you
me: i'm now trying to shrug off self-pity and self-righteousness
i choose my steps and words hopefully wisely
Ann: i think you are doing great, from what i've seen
me: :) thanks Ann
Ann: np, love
just remember that we are meant to fight alongside one another , so when you get tired or start believing the lies, please ask for help
me: I do. its just usually Him i'm talking to
Ann: yep, but the Body is His idea... we are meant to fight one another's battles - although i will admit that some battles we have to fight by ourselves
i don't know which one this is in your case, just know that i am here and praying and would be honored to fight alongside you
me: wow. thanks!
Ann: ? for ?
me: for adding honor to my fight
Ann: no problem
although He gave it to you...
me: that fighting spirit? yep
Ann: that too, although i was talking about the honor
me: enough about me. are you blogging more about your trip?
Ann: yeah, i just posted one.
it's been harder than i thought to write about
me: i know the feeling.
i have to pick and choose and separate
the bajillion threads of life going on
then tell the story
of how God is working in it
He's working in all of them
Ann: it's hard, huh?
me: its just which ones I want to shout to the rooftops and which ones I cherish between me and Him
i pretty much use my blog as a tract. a really long, fallible tract
Ann: me too. it's nice to go back and read it, to put the dots together and see His faithfulness over time
me: i need to get some of it published. there's a program where it puts everything into a book format
Ann: that would be awesome
me: better than copying and pasting
Ann: i thought you found one a while back
me: i did but i keep writing
i need to stop
and never blog again
but my story keeps on going,
God keeps wowing me
and my fingers want to tell of
His love and care for me
more so than my mouth
Ann: and that's ok - we are writers - He made us that way
i hope you never stop blogging
me: o goodness
Ann: ?
me: what a long book that would be
maybe my blog is my own Psalms
isn't that a thought?
Ann: that's an awesome thought
me: ha. yeah
Ann: sounds like a post to me
me: right?
Ann: absolutely
me: i'll probably cut and paste from some of this conversation
Ann: that's cool

Bear Hugs and Being There...

My sister called me yesterday and we were laughing about the fact that we are a bit more crazy than usual because of our circumstances. Yeah, we're crazy, I think all females are a bit in their own charming way, but put us in a high stress situation and our crazy tips the scale a little more. We're perfectly sane when it comes to the major decisions, but we're more apt to freak out over something small lately.

On the phone yesterday, she says, Chubs (my nickname), I've just been going up and down emotionally lately. We had company over and I was looking for these Williams-Sonoma nametags and couldn't find them in the kitchen. So I'm throwing things, getting really mad that the maid put them somewhere I couldn't find them and this is my own house and I should be able to find stuff in my own house! Things are being thrown around because she can't find anything so Louis, her hubby, comes in and just wraps her in a bear hug. He says he's sorry about mom. She promptly tells him this has nothing to do with mom. This has to do with her not being able to find anything in her own house. But she knew better and so did he.

We are laughing through her story because I told her I'd quit church about three times since then. Up and down, up and down. I'm trying to keep my sanity in tact but I'm not really sure what the method is to accepting a parent having cancer. I pray a lot, apologize to my friends a lot because I think whatever has just come out of my mouth is a dealbreaker, and pray some more.

I'm amazed at God in all of this. That He's given her a husband who can recognize why she's really upset about something small and that he's her support for her through this. I don't have a husband, but I do have a community/church that is walking with me. God's provided support and encouragement for both of us, just in different ways, but with the same results...

I don't understand gentleness. I don't know how to receive it. But He's just being so delicate with all of us through this. Wow, it's amazing...

Second Opinions

Ok, so through God's sense of timing, I was able to make an appointment with a great doctor just an hour away from my folks' house. The first surgeon's office was four hours away.

She's scheduled to see doc number two this Thursday and her first surgery (with the old doc) is next Tuesday. Fatty and I are trying to get it to where there are not a lot of visits to the surgeon, hopefully just one or two, but that all depends on doc number two's findings...Doc number one wants to do one spot at a time and frankly, leanne and I aren't too thrilled at that. We figure, do as much as you can as few times as possible. We don't like Mom being sore or in pain...

I was checking up on the hospital Mom will be going to if she has anything done and they've got a brand new cancer center so Mom would have the smell of fresh paint and sparkling walls to greet her.

God's keeping His hand in this and on all of us...

I'll praise Him even when...

We are going through a bit of a cancer thing with my mom. I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I think as a girl, or maybe its just me, talking about it gives me affirmation that while yes, we are going through this, God is still faithful.

We found out Friday morning. Stage 1 melanoma. Which is just a teensy weensy bit of cancer. Certainly nothing God can't handle. I'm stubborn as all get out, and the rest of my family is the same. We're getting a second opinion to see if its spread all over or if its localized. She's scheduled for surgery Oct. 3, but that depends on what doc number two says.

Now I'm in the weird awkward phase of belonging to a community where I don't know what I'm feeling a lot of the time, and they don't really know how to ask me. It's quite a pickle.

The infuriating thing is watching how Satan is "arrogantly throwing things at me." That's what one of my friends told me today in an email. I was telling her that it was odd last night sitting there in a congregation of hundreds and having a whisper point out that the total number of people who've checked on her is less than the fingers on one hand.

It's scary to recognize evil when I'm sitting in the one place that I feel safest. I feel like he's a trespasser and shouldn't be anywhere around near the ground where I meet with the Almighty. And he didn't pounce on me. It wasn't a huge clanging symbol, just a sentence that took hold in my head. He twists things. I'm not new to fighting but I am new to him trying to get at me at every single turn. He's starting to frankly piss me off and he needs to freagin' back off before I tell God on him. Maybe that's one of the lessons I need to be learning through this. Tattle as often as possible to Him.

I don't want to only talk about my mom all the time, but at least asking about her reaffirms my theory that you care. And yes, much to my shame, I've guilted people into listening to what's going on in my life. (Ouch. That's humbling.)

In all of this God's been great. More than great. Yeah, parts of this have sucked. Getting an ever so gentle yes instead of the resounding NO I was hoping for has been interesting. Fighting to keep my trust in Him while I'm getting slammed has been exhausting but great exercise, and having friends tell me they'll help me move back to the promised land has been both funny and kind.

This experience is something that is stretching me and my fledgling faith, opening my eyes to the community and family I'm a part of, the heart that beats within me, and the God who has complete and sweet control over all of it.

Sure I'll piss and moan about it, but I wouldn't trade walking through this with Him for the world!!!!

Is That Me or him?

I had a bit of a breakdown today. That post beneath is the tip of the iceberg.

8 Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread.
proverbs 30:8

Trouble is coming out of the woodwork and completely blindsided me. Sunday night I gave God complete control over a high priority experience in the scheme of my life. I've not taken it back, and man I've taken a beating.

God has remained faithful through all of it. Various loved ones have spoken truth into my life and for that I'm so grateful. Tonight I was telling the lady I babysit with that I'm just getting slammed by really weird things lately. Do you know what this wise woman said? "Satan knows you've given it all to Him, that's why he's hitting you as hard as he can. He's been around here longer than we have."

I'm not sure why Satan would bother with me to be perfectly honest. And I hesitate to use the word attack or think that Satan is behind every hard hit I've taken this week. A lot of the time, my mouth gets me into the situations I find myself in, yet something is different about this week. The bad stuff is so much more angry. Like its dripping in malice. The encouragement is sweet and slips into my heart with soothing gentleness. I know from Whom that is coming.

Little Betrayals

I've gone a little bit crazy today. There are a lot of things going on at the moment. And today they all just kind of crashed in on me.

I've been reading this book. It talks about your heart and keeping it under His authority. The more I read it the more it causes my breath to catch in my throat. Its helping me realize how much day to day sin my life is accustomed to. Pride, self-righteousness, false humility, selfishness, I could easily go on and on. That's not exactly what little girls are made of, but its a painfully accurate self-portrait at the moment.

I know who I am and to Whom I belong. And yet I act like the base animal I used to be. Every sin a betrayal to the One who made me into a new creature.

Words Not Needed Here...

Jay and Eee

Tonight Courtney and I babysat for a marriage class that meets on Tuesday nights. I played with a two year old, a six year old and a nine year old.

There was a baby there. His name was Jace. I didn't go near him. I don't trust myself with babies. I always think that I'm going to break them. They're so little and they might not like me. Well, Jace was perfectly adorable. I managed to not touch him except when I walked by him at the end of the night. I just touched his hair. He was so soft! Oh my gosh, those things are amazing. He was yawning and plumb tuckered out. And for some reason, my arms just wanted to curl up with him. Hence the avoiding him as much as I could.

Courtney said she couldn't wait for me to be a mom. I can wait. I'm in no rush. Now, while I'm in no rush to be a mom, I think I'll be an ok one one day. I can't be that bad, right? So Courtney was talking about my future family and how many kids I would have and what I would name them, etc.

I don't have a binder full of pictures and ideas for my wedding. I don't write Mrs. before my name "just to practice." I am done trying to figure out the whys and whens of my life. God's gonna take care of everything, and I'm through putting trust in my own abilities in all the situations in my life.

So Courtney was asking me what my middle name was. Deanne. My mom's middle name is Deanne too. God willing, I'll have a daughter and my husband will be gracious enough to let her middle name be Deanne too. Elizabeth Deanne. I've always like the name Elizabeth. I'd nickname her Eli. Not Beth, or Eliza.

Then she asked me, well, what if God gives you a boy? Hmm. Well, frankly, having not been raised in a house of men, I'd not thought about it much. I like the name Jadin. I've not thought about the spelling too much. As for his middle name, I got nothing.

Ha, talk about counting your chicks before they hatch, huh?

Why Wouldn't I?

A thought has been flitting through my head and heart the past few hours. I've just been to cg. There are a lot of serious things going on in peoples' lives. God gives you, me, us, situations that hurt. And tonight I was heartened to hear of what we are going through.

Hear me out. I'd much rather go through something painful with Him, than have someone who doesn't know Him go through hurt and pain alone. He trusts me to walk through this with Him. What an honor! What a privilege! That God has given us as believers the opportunity to walk through pain and heartache, trusting Him to give us the strength to endure and persevere through it.

I'm amazed that He trusts me to go through the muck and mire of life. What better opportunity will I have to reflect Him in my life than when He's the only one I'm relying on in my darkest hours? He's equipped me with exactly what I need to rely on Him for every situation. EVERY SITUATION.

I was talking with my mom about situations in life today. She's going through one right now in her life. I told her that I gave her to Him last night. It was an odd feeling telling her that I'd put her up on His altar to do whatever He is going to do. We talked about her walk with Him.

Then we started talking about the specifics of her situation. I was very calm, cool, and collected. I rationally, and in a very grown up way I think, listened to her talk about what was going on. If this occurred, if that occurred. I'm the oldest in my family so I'm the one who bears the responsibility of whatnots and if thens. I found out that I have a limit. I can only discuss very calmly unthinkable things for about twenty minutes then I had to ask her to change the subject. I'm only so strong.

It's a very great and wondrous thing that He's given this for me to walk through. I'm truly humbled and honored at the opportunity to glorify Him in this.

Wow, I Miss...

I'm in an odd mood today. The weather is grey, flighty, and seeps into the crevices of my heart. Melodramatic? I think so. Last night at church was almost indescribable. I walked in hurting and walked out smiling and trusting Him. It truly was a memorable night for me, it was just emotional. I try so hard to keep it in and then turn into a complete mess of tears, mascara, and smiles when He's near me. I'm not nearly as courageous or trusting as I want to be, but last night He was reassuring beyond my imagination or understanding.

I miss my family today. We're spread out. My sister and her husband are in Florida, my parents are in west Texas, and I'm somewhat in the middle of them in Louisiana. Its a fifteen hour drive to Mom and Dad, and a fourteen hour drive to Leanne and Louis.

God's given me a family here. If you're reading this, you're probably part of it. I wouldn't trade you for the world, but I wouldn't mind hugging my mom and seeing my dad smile at me. Just for a little while.

Blegh, rainy days make me think too much...

Gave Her Over

I have to document this night for posterity. Tonight I gave my mom over to God when I can't even begin to fathom His ways of reaching out to her.

She belongs to Him. She is His to claim and my hold on her can do nothing to help her. So I let go, with trembling hands, but I trust Him to do His will in this. Whatever that may be.

If this makes no sense to you, I'm sorry. Ask me about it in a few years. It'll be quite a tale to tell...

I Love Kids...

I babysit for a few hours a night on Thursdays. I love it. Today I went to get a few of the kids and their mom told me that they were so excited that they were coming to play with me. (This is my second week to watch them.) I told her it was because I was a child too. I have to admit it was pretty wonderful walking into the room and having two little faces light up at seeing me...

All told there were five of them. Ranging from ages 4 to 11. We ran around the playground while the sun was still up. There were a few incidents where I had to use "the voice" to tell them to stop throwing rocks, but other than that, outside was good.

It was a night of teaching for me...Inside I taught Kaitlin how to fold a card in half, cut it and make a heart. She told me I was "perfect at cutting hearts." I politely thanked her. She's a very polite seven-year-old herself. I read her a story about Noah's ark and I told her about how rainbows are signs of God's promises. Then I taught Philip how to make a paper airplane, he's five. I think he'll be an architect one day because he can build the greatest things with legos.

With Shiela I make up math questions because Math is her favorite subject...And then I was greeted with a "hi mommy, I made you breakfast." It was Conner, age 4, and he'd made me a breakfast of eggs and a cup of coffee...All plastic of course...He's got quite an imagination on him...They all do come to think of it...

How 'Bout Now God?

December 11. I will have been in Baton Rouge for three years on December 11, 2006. My mind whirls at the thought of it. I've never been in one spot for longer than 3 years. We moved around alot in my fathers' caretaking of oil pumps. Even college was only two and a half.

Every few months I go through the "how 'bout now?" stage with God. Its like clockwork. Something or someone will tell me to move on, get another job, find another church I can love, usually in another state, usually in Texas. They'll say just the thing to make my ears perk up to where God and I sit in a closet and once again I ask for a "Could You say that again? Louder."

Lately, as I get older, they've begun to use different tactics. I would be so much happier if you were here, I just want some companionship for you, I need you here, why do you have to be there, they don't need you, your husband is in Texas, you can love God anywhere Allison...

I know. I know that there are other jobs, better pay, other churches, different people I could love elsewhere. But God has me here. Still. Much to my confusion and utter bewilderment in if He's able to use me at all here, but I'm here nonetheless. I've seen the world, I've done tons of different things and God still has me here. Baton Rouge. Louisiana. My heart is firm on one point though. No matter where He leads me I want to be smack dab in the center of His will...

Part of my heart jumps for joy at the thought of having roots. I think I would love that. The other part of me, the traveler in me, wonders when He's going to take me somewhere else... I don't know what the other side of three years in one place looks like...

Yeah, but What is Your Name?

22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions.

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.

25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.

26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." 27 The man asked him, "What is your name?"

"Jacob," he answered. 28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel and he was limping because of his hip. Gen. 32...

I think Jacob and I would get along. We're both stubborn as the day is long. He limps because of his fight with God. I limp because one of my legs is an inch shorter. We both have our own Peniels. He wrestled with God, I'm in the middle of "I've learned this lesson by now" challenging Him to an arm wrestling contest. One of my friends put it this way, you're a passionate woman of God who feels deeply and has a stubborn streak as wide as Texas.

And apparently I have a mouth like a sailor. I just got back from community group. We were talking about having abundant life in Christ. And some of us were giving personal examples in our walks. There we are, and I blurt out, I just don't have the courage to give everything over to Him because the thought of an abundant life scares the bleep outta me. Yeah! I bleeped!

And then I apologized because I was so emotional I cussed. They graciously laughed it off, but I was still embarrassed. Cussing aside, I'm still a wimp. I meant what I said about not having the courage to give Him everything. Eight months of wrestling with Him about whether my desires are coming from Him or me and I still think I'm in the same place I started at. Abundant life is something I just don't have the heart for at the moment. But with the stubborn streak He's given me, I fully expect Him to not keep me here for long. He's got plans for me, I just need the courage to see it through...

A Bride and Being Barefoot

A friend of mine and I are reading at a wedding. We're both excited about it. (I crack jokes about it so I can not feel so nervous about doing it.) We were messaging each other back and forth and she said she hoped her knee didn't give out going up the stairs. Then last night at church she told me that she was going to up there barefoot because she can't walk up stairs with heels. I laughed and told her that I had planned on wearing flats, because I shake like a leaf when I'm nervous and theres no way I'm shaking like a leaf in four inch heels. So I think the beautiful bride is going to have two barefoot readers for her wedding...

Giving It Up and Giving It Over

Tonight at church we talked about sin. Yay sin. Sin's kind of a touchy subject. I'm not sure why. I do it. You do it. We all do it. Doesn't make it right, yet we still do it. Romans 6 was the springboard to this evening's waterworks. I say that because a lot of what was said went in one ear, straight to my heart, and cut me to shreds.

I needed to hear it. Doesn't it mean it didn't hurt any less. The gist of it, and I'm respectfully paraphrasing here, is that sin, while I recognize is a battle in my life, doesn't mean its the all-time victor. As a Christian, I'm no longer a slave to sin, I fight it with the strength of the only One who has truly overcome it. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't. But I will never be a slave to it again. As someone who belongs to a body of believers, I fight right next to your side in your battle with sin, just as you are right next to me in my fights.

Well, I stopped fighting. One of the toughest battles I've come across in my life, I've just given up on. I just got so tired of consistently feeling one way, asking God to change it, and nothing happening. Wondering if my life mirrored the reflection of His will that I so desired it to. So I just gave in a little bit at a time. Sooner, rather than later, I've stopped fighting at all. Now its just a dull ache I've grown accustomed to. Nothing is what it seems, all shadows and mirrors where once I fully believed I was in His will.

And then tonight I was cut to the quick. It still hurts a bit, and I'm still confused by it all. I'd pick a fight if I knew what I was fighting, but I just don't anymore. The way I've been fighting feelings lately is to pretend they aren't there. And I'm not sure that's the best way to go about it. So He got all of them tonight. They weren't pretty, they weren't calm and serene, they were full of whens and whys, but that's not my problem anymore. They are His to take care of from here on out.

One of these days?

Its customary for me to walk around the office saying good morning and goodnight to everyone. Yesterday when I left work, my boss' wife was here. They were sitting on the couch in his office. She was catnapping, he was next to her, reading his Bible.

It was sweet. And right then and there I asked God if He decides to bless me in that way, He could whip up something along those lines...

Stagefright and Limelights

Each week one of the community groups help set up for the service at my church. And each week someone from the cg talks about what God has been doing in their life. God's been buzzing in my ear each week we've had to set up. He'll gently nudge me to talk, and I'll tell Him to knock it off, I'm not doing it. And I don't. I sit back and not say anything when they ask for volunteers. The first time in cg I sat there and someone else volunteered, the second time I wasn't there. But I felt bad for blowing God off and I told Him I'd ask, if they didn't have anyone then I'd go up there. I emailed someone and was told they already had a volunteer. Therefore, I didn't. Twice.

Let me explain me to you if I may. I'll talk your ear off. Really. If you look like you're alone or need something I can offer you, dag nab it, I'm going to help you. I'll throw away rhyme and reason if I think having someone to talk to will lighten your load.

However, while I have no problem talking to you, throw me up to talking to a crowd, and my IQ drops about 75 points. I freak out. I try not to, and put up a calm cool and collected front. Nope, inside, its a twirly whirly mix of fear and vulnerability battling my confidence. Me and limelights don't mix well.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not throwing you a steaming plate of false modesty. I'm the most selfish person you've met. But the limelight is something I'm not comfortable with. I do my best to keep away from it. I'll push other people into it to avoid it. I have no qualms about focusing on you if it gets the attention off of me. I can easily brush the focus off of me right back onto you. Which might be one of the reasons I'm an adequate party planner...

Of Course My Babies Can Shoot...

Today has been a lazy day. I read a little bit, then went to the park for some fresh air and a chance to write. The park was crowded because of the holiday so I went down to the archery range. I'd been there for about twenty minutes when a family of four pulled up.

I tried not to stare because I'm not a weirdo, but they were great. It was Dad, Mom and a few kids. And he was teaching them to shoot! A bow no less! It made me think of when my dad taught Leanne and I to shoot. I'd like to think one day that I'll be able to teach my kids how to properly handle a bow. Hopefully, they'll take after their mother and be an ok shot...

But Then I Got High...

Tonight I had a headache. Which is kind of odd, I'm not the headache kind of girl. I don't usually get them. However, I did babysit four kids tonight ranging from ages 2 to 8. Luckily, I didn't have to cook them dinner, they had popcorn while we watched a movie. (And I didn't burn it!)

After babysitting, I took some headache medicine because it hurt so bad. Which is also odd because I've got a really low tolerance to medicine. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Popping the pills made me think of the first and only time I've gotten high...

It was in college. We were having a dorm hall pillow fight. Which meant anyone involved had to stay within the confines of the building, but if you found someone, you either attacked them, or ran like the wind to avoid the impending doom...What added to the fun was the fact that the guys twisted their pillows so tight that it basically resembled a club rather than a soft cushion to gently lay my head.

I got caught by one of the boys and when he swung his pillow at me in the hallway, he hit me, and knocked me out. His pillow, wound as tight as his manly ego could wrap it, smacked me in the face and the impact knocked my head against the wall and I was out.

I wake up and I'm in one of the guys rooms and they are all looking at me like I'm a science experiment. If they tell an RA, they could get in trouble for knocking me out, but if not, it would be so much worse if I had a concussion.

In the midst of their worrying about what would happen to them, my head was killing me. I knew from previous pass out experiences that it would only get worse, so I told them to give me some Aleve. And they did. Six of them. All at once. (I'm still five-four and 110 pounds at this stage of my life...Yeah...)

There's about a four to five hour gap in my memory of that night. I remember taking the Aleve, but after that, it gets a little fuzzy. Actually, I don't remember much else. My friends remember it because they took pictures. Apparently I took one of the boys' scooters and went up and down the hallway for a solid three hours. No wonder when I woke up the next day my ankle was killing me...

Needless to say, I don't take much medicine anymore...