Do I Get My Own Spot?

So my neurologist office just called. My appointment's been bumped up to February 6 instead of February 20. And as far as my bloodwork goes, I'll be talking with my gp about it February 7.

I think all these appointments should qualify me for my own parking spot at my doctor's office. But I'm all about getting all this over with so I can get back to my normal life.

(That's assuming I was ever "normal" in the first place...)

Horsepills

Day one of getting my butt in shape. Started off fine. Woke up at 6am. I'm not sure why, I've just been waking up that early. Tossed and turned till 7ish, then figured I was up, might as well get the ball rolling. So I get dressed and head over to Smoothie King. The name is pretty self-explanatory. They make smoothies. But it's all natural stuff. So I walk in and say, hello, I'm new to all of this, I need to add a few pounds and get healthy. So the young lady says, well, we've got the hulk. I just look at her. I'm not sure if she's kidding or being serious. At this point I'm wondering what my facial expression should be to a drink called the hulk. So I just say, sure why not? Then there are choices, vanilla, chocolate or strawberry. Um, vanilla? So she starts mixing and scooping and making the smoothie. I turn around and start looking at the dietary supplements. They've got a lot if you are trying to lose weight. A whole section of the wall is dedicated to shedding pounds. Meanwhile, I'm not trying to lose anything. Besides my poor nutritional habits, so I grabbed a box of girly vitamins. Alright, I think I've got everything I need for the day. A ginormous smoothie and a box of horsepills. Seriously, these things are huge. They are big green monstrosities, but they'll keep me up and going. O, and the smell is horrendous. You know when you are fixing to swallow a pill and you get a whiff of it in your mouth, yeah, these pills do that. So I also get to practice keeping my gag reflex under control as well.

I figure I should try and keep my sense of humor in all this, otherwise I wouldn't be looking forward to any of it. Smoothies called the hulk? And big green horsepills? Come on, that's funny...

So So Steward

Please don't judge me too harshly, it's not easy to type this.

"Is that all you're eating?" If I had a nickel for every time I've been asked that I'd be a rich woman. I don't eat a lot. Ever. I snack. A half a granola bar here, a few french fries there. Just enough to keep me going. Well, my body has had enough of that. And it's telling me. It started a few months ago with my hair. Every time I washed it in the shower, I'd shed. A lot. It was a little disconcerting, so I tried a different conditioner thinking that would do it. Nope. Just hair everywhere. I could sit there and just pull out pieces of it. Wet or dry, it didn't matter, it still came out. Then I went to my hairdresser and told him that I shed a lot. He said, o, it's because you've got naturally curly hair, don't worry about it. And I didn't. My mother and sister started asking about my weight. People here see me all the time so they don't notice if I lose a few pounds here or there. Meanwhile, my size 2 jeans are loose. Which sucks. Fast forward to the fact that my bloodwork from all this medical stuff came back and I've got to schedule an appointment to talk with my doctor about it. Usually it's a you're good, don't come in. Well, not this time. This time I have to go discuss the results with her.

I think this is the part where I tell you I don't have an eating disorder. I'm not anorexic or bulimic. I'm just busy. I'm always doing something. Whether it's work, having coffee with people, CG, the ring, or just hanging out, there's always people for me to love on in my life, or opportunities to serve. And that means putting them above myself. And when I do sit down to eat, I can't eat a huge amount of food. I've tried force feeding myself and it's quite possibly the most miserable thing ever.

My stewardship comes into play here. I'm piss-poor when it comes to the whole body is a temple thing. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or anything like that. I just don't eat. Not out of spite. I don't hate myself or not know who I am in Christ. I know who I am, I'm just really busy. Always on the go. I would love to not get asked about my weight or how much I eat. I'd rather people know they are loved then wonder about how skinny I am. I'd really like to be healthy. And I can't really love on others if I'm passed out somewhere, now can I? Ha ha.

Gosh y'all this is totally random. And leaves me very very vulnerable. But stewardship has been on my mind lately. If everything I do is an act of worship to God, then I should be taking better care of myself.

So begins my journey to a hopefully healthier, less stubborn me.

The Neverending Story

In Sunday School Josh made us do an ice breaker. He asked what our favorite movies were when we were younger. So as usual in Sunday School, I sit there like a lump on a log. We all know I'm mouthy but it's a rare moment when I talk in Sunday School. Yeah, I turn into a wallflower for some reason. Anyways, a few people say which ones they liked. Goonies, etc. So I get excited because I'm going to say mine. Drum roll please.....Yeah, I liked the Neverending Story. And you coulda heard a pin drop. And then the guy next to me says the dog, whose name is Falkor by the way, creeps him out. And everyone agrees with him.

I really liked that movie. I bawled my eyes out when Atreyu's horse died. So sad, and I thought the Childlike Princess was the most beautiful thing ever. Her castle was so pretty! And the Rockeater and his son were wonderful! I was an avid reader growing up and I loved escaping into a book. I think that's why I loved this movie. Because the main character, Bastian, has to save the world of Fantasia from "the nothing."

It was brought up in the discussion that now that we are older, the movies are not as good as when we were little. So I'm not going to chance ruining my memories by watching it again. I'll just remember it fondly and defend it every chance I get....

Cocktails, Anyone?

I've got a cocktail party tonight for my job. My boss told all three of us we need to look glam. I work in an office full of women, so right now I should be schlepping on the war paint instead of blogging. But in the true art of procrastination, I'm not. I'm sitting here munching on tequitos and sipping on a pepsi. I'm not bitter about above mentioned party, its just that Thursdays are usually my evenings off. Mostly because a lot of my college campus' have college nights and everyone wants to go out instead of having a meeting with yours truly. Which is fine, I was in college once, and Thursdays were close enough to the weekend that I'd round up and include it in my slacking off time.

Tomorrow I'm in New Orleans. No rest for the weary....

Agh, the horror!

I'm in Shreveport tonight. It's been a good day. I've gone to a party, a business lunch, and a meeting over pie. I'm tired, but moderately content. The car definitely works and yes it's still smarter than I am. Don't worry, even though I've worked all day, I did manage to pamper myself a little tonight. I had my nails done. Which seemed like a good idea at the time until the woman doing my nails chopped off part of my cuticle and it started dripping blood. The finger dripping blood? My left ring finger. Ah, the irony.

Speaking of blood and its effects on me, my EEG is tomorrow. I'm not sure if I told you, but my cat scan results came back, all's well. So that's one test down, more to come. I think just an EEG and an MRI and then I'm calling it quits. I feel a little weird about tomorrow. I'm not scared, just wondering what it's going to be like. There is prep stuff I have to do for my EEG. I have to wash my hair tonight and put no product in it. So I'll look like Medusa until they plug me up to a whole bunch of wires and then I'll look like the bride of Frankenstein. I took a literary genre: horror class in college so all this mad science stuff is exciting/scary. I didn't ever think I'd be plugged into a machine though. I also can't have caffeine OR chocolate. Take my blood, run my brain through an x-ray, plug me into a machine, but no chocolate? This is agony......

I Woke Up

I woke up in love this morning. I didn't jump up on the bed and the earth did not shake. There was just the slightest smile on my face as I awoke today. I woke up thinking about all the ways that God is faithful in my life and the life of my friends and family. He's so AMAZING! With the Ring officially launching as a church (Feb. 12), things are beginning to take shape. Corporately, through the grace of God, we are doing great. It's individually that Satan is trying to slam us. In each person's life, Satan is tugging and pulling and just being a real (insert expletive here). Although I gotta say, I'd rather fight an individual battle with Him against him than have my baby church attacked. It's that maternal instinct I guess. But corporately or individually, God remains our Guardian. And He just happens to sweep me off my feet when I least expect it.

Chinese Medicine?

So I had lunch with a friend of mine named Misty today. Some of you know her, check out her blog if you want to see a little about her. Misty loves Jesus. Passionately. It's just plain written all over that girl. And today we sat down at Great Wall stuffing our faces with Chinese food while chatting about how God is moving in our lives. Sigh, I love Chinese. Egg rolls are my nemesis. They taunt me with their crunchy goodness. Mmmm. Moving on. So we sat down and jumped into each others lives to see how the other is doing. We usually have dinner downtime at Outback, one of the few places in Baton Rouge that you can get a good steak. What can I say? I love food, Misty loves food and we both love Jesus. What better way to spend a lunch? After wolfing down Chinese donuts, which were fresh from the oven so the powdered sugar stuck to them, it was time to open up our fortune cookies. Misty's said she was a natural leader. We giggled over that. It's true! Then I opened mine. "You have a reputation for being straightforward and honest." Misty says oh my gosh, that's you! And I mumble something about how it should say I stick my foot in my mouth more often than not.

It was just such a wonderful diversion from the craziness of my world at the moment. Thanks Ms. Misty!!

L-O-V-E

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday. Passed out doing bloodwork. Ya know, it never gets less embarrassing the more I do it. You'd think I'd be used to it, but nope. I'm still mortified when I wake up in some random stranger's arms or have nurses fanning me trying to wake me up.

I'm learning a lot about love through all of this. That it comes in very different forms. I'm great at giving love, not so much receiving it. I'm in love with my Heavenly Father. I love my family, my friends, my community. But something happens when I need to receive love. I'm not used to it. My life has been spent with pretty much just God and I. Which I'm perfectly fine with. I love being in a relationship with Him. It takes effort though. I've got to work at it at times. Sometimes it's juggling my responsibilities so I can spend time with Him, but its always, always worth it. Through all this hairy medical stuff, He's teaching me to let myself be loved by the people around me. It's hard. Laying down my pride and humbling myself to lay my weakness out there takes courage. I'm a slow learner with this love lesson, but I'm getting it.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

What a Pretty Mask You Have...

Tonight at the ring was, well, unique I guess. It wasn't my week to run the words on the screen so I was able to sit down in the rows of chairs for 5:45 prayer. When I'm running it, I hop up to the loft and make sure everything is in order, then pray for the time remaining until 6:15. So I was kind of excited to be sitting down with some of the body prepping the room for the service.

Josh's synopsis for this evening's service was that as the church we are called to be Jesus to everybody. Not just college students or senior citizens, everybody. So I sit down and start praying for the "everybody" I know. My co-workers, family, and friends. Then I start inviting God to honor us with His presence. I do it every week, invite God to church. Sometimes I can feel His breath on my face or Him holding my hand, then there are other times when I feel like He's a million miles away. Tonight was a little of both worlds.

Speaking of worlds, mine is covered in fear at the moment. Fear of the unknown, fear of being wrong, fear of being right. And I've been dreaming like crazy lately. Which is never a good thing. I only dream when things are dicey. It puts me on edge and I feel like I need to be ready for something big. I don't know what is around the bend. God is in control of it, even the parts I have a white-knuckle grip on. So as I'm praying about the unknowns that I find so terrifying, the tears and sobs come. It's a little embarrassing. I shouldn't be ashamed of the tears of my heart. Especially when I'm surrounded by those who I love and love me. And yet, for some reason its harder to admit I'm hurting to the ones I love.

So during 5:45 prayer, the mask slide off. I think its cuz of the tears and gentle sobs I was trying so hard to keep quiet. Or the fact that I just let go of the pride and told God every little thing spooking me at the moment. It was wonderful. To be held in His arms as I whispered everything to Him. And then it was 6:15 and I went to the restroom to wipe the snot off of my face. After blowing my nose, I glanced in the mirror and low and behold, the mask was back in place! It was amazing how fast it came back on. No one could tell that my heart was hurting. In fact, I was complimented on my appearance and how pretty I looked. Could no one tell that my soul was quivering just behind my eyes? So instead of looking for love, I went and loved on others. I'm way better at the latter than the former. I can love on pretty much anyone, but the minute the tables are turned and I'm asked to be loved by someone, I bolt. I think its the "if I keep you at arms length you can't hurt me" theory, but in the end I just end up hurting myself.

It's a good thing I don't have the authority to mess up God's will or I would have made things a lot hairer for myself.

Warning: Contents Fragile

So today was decidely less eventful than yesterday. Which is nice I guess. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not as strong as I'd like to think. In fact, I'm a wee bit defective. This was brought to my attention by two of my friends who shall rename nameless, yet love to give me a hard time. And this fainting/seizure thing is the latest joke they like to rib me about. But I know they care about me so its not too hard to take.

Even with my quirks and "defects" I'm still fearfully and wonderfully made by God. My quirks are all about perspective. I think they make me charming and delightful. So I hate being the first one to open the milk, talking during a movie (rental or theatre) drives me loopy, and I pass out and have seizures. See? Charming and delightful.

Fearfully and wonderfully made....fearfully and wonderfully made....

Just Make Sure I Don't Swallow My Tongue

Today has been an eventful day. Its shown me lots of things. Like the fact that I will never be a doctor, nurse or anything pertaining to the medical field at all. I should probably stay away from hospitals in general. Please allow me to explain.

Around 1 o'clock, I received a call from a friend of mine. I said hello? All she says is, Allison? In that weepy, something is really wrong here voice. So, being the nuturer that I am I say, what's wrong? And she tells me her sister is having emergency surgery in twenty minutes. So I ask which hospital as I'm grabbing my car keys and telling my co-worker that I'll be back sometime later.

I meet her at the hospital and we both go into the pre-op room. Her sister is laying there, talking with her mom, and watching CMT. A few doctors come and go and explain what the procedure is going to be. She's fixing to go in, and she's getting a little nervous. I'm not saying much, just praying for her and her family as they go through this. And then I feel something. Something I haven't felt in a while, not since I've been in Baton Rouge in fact, but I know what it is. I'm about to pass out. I've had enough experience with passing out to try and head it off at the pass. So I say I need to sit down, I sit down and wake up with someone holding my head, my ankles and an anesthesiologist holding my right arm.

I'm not sure what has happened. There a few guys leaning over me, telling me I've passed out. And then this one doctor starts thumping my chest near the top of my throat. The anesthesiologist is saying that I was having seizures while I was out. He's mentioning something about my right arm and the doctor goes back to thumping my chest. Ow! Stop that! That hurt and I was kind of in a fog but that guy needed to stop thumping my chest before he drew back a nub.

So in my paltry attempt to be there for someone else, I end up being more trouble. Sheesh. And because of the seizures I've earned another trip to a doctor's office. Dang.

My head hurts so I'm going to bed. I still feel sheepish about all of it, but I'm alright.

You Look Like You'd Drive a Volvo

That's what one of my aunts told me. When I was visiting family in Texas I was mentioning that I was having truck issues. Yes, my 2003 dodge had been giving me fits for the past few months. After taking it to the Dodge place, then another mechanic for a second opinion, it went back to Dodge. No one could figure out why it was dying on me. So at the last trip to Dodge, they told me, well, it'll probably break down again on you so just bring it in when it does. Let me just tell you I think my father almost popped a blood vein in his head when I told him that that's what Dodge had said. I drive a lot with my job and me breaking down halfway to Shreveport or in the middle of New Orleans at night is really not a comforting thought for him. Me either for that matter.

Speaking of my job. I love it. Its one of the many gifts God has blessed me with. I have the opportunity to work with college kids, middle schoolers, teachers, other non-profits and those who are intellectually disabled. I make friendships for a living. The company I work for is corporately sponsored by Volvo. It was a bit of a whirlwind romance and now I drive a Volvo. It's a 2006 s40. And no, I didn't get it free. And unfortunately, while I'd love to be able to give all of you the inside track to getting a new Volvo, its not up to me. I think its just me and my immediate family. And I could even be wrong on that. Ok, back to the car. It's smarter than me and is really fun to drive. It still has the new car smell. Moonroof, six disc CD changer (which I'm still learning how to use), four doors, a big trunk, and more gadgets and gizmos than I'll ever need. It feels like I'm floating after bouncing around in that ginormous truck. No, it doesn't have satellite radio or heated seats. But it will keep me and my children safe and will last a good long time. Truth be told, I'd actually like to be able to just take a ride in it. I've gotten into the habit of asking people if they are comfortable in their seats, but I want to just sit and ride in it as well. One of these days, I'm just gonna toss the key to somebody and ask for a ride in my own car.

The Lure of the Drum

I survived Christmas. It was a little shaky at times, but I made it. Which means that God, in His infinite gentleness with me, walked with me through all of it, but it still wasn't easy. Good riddance, 2005. On the whole, I will not think of you fondly.

On a much happier note, I was able to go to the ring last night. I haven't been in a few weeks because of whirlwind trips to Texas and family vacations. Do you ever have that feeling of coming home? That all is right with the world because you're where you're meant to be? Because that's exactly how I felt last night. I was home. I belong here. The feeling started at Sunday School yesterday morning and then lasted until I laid my curls on my pillow last night.

Speaking of last night, the sermon was about Matthew 11:28-30. At one point in the message, Josh was talking about rules and how we love them. As an example, he used a drum on stage. The rule was to not touch the drum. So to keep you from "the lure of the drum," another rule was that you couldn't be in three feet of the drum. Then it was you couldn't get someone else to help you touch the drum. I think you get the point. And then Josh went on to talk about Jesus' yoke and how He wants us to be yoked together with Him. For some reason, the rule and drum thing has stuck in my mind. I love rules. They give me a distinct course to follow. I'm safe in the discipline. It's what I know. But here's the tricky part. God doesn't need my rules. He doesn't need me to play it safe. If anything, He asks me to do some random things that I just have no idea where He's going with it. It usually leaves me feeling vulnerable and wondering if I heard Him right. I've gotten into the habit of following that Little Voice inside me, and then after I do whatever it is He's asked me, I begin over analyzing. Yep, that's me. And then I take myself out of the situation thinking that I really didn't hear God right when He asked me to put myself out there. I put rules up so that I can rebuild the walls I'm so comfortable being locked in.

Have you noticed in this last few sentences that there's a whole lotta Is in here? I'd like to have more Him's than me's in every aspect of my life. That's my New Year's resolution. I know I'm young and God is hopefully not done shaping and molding me. Yesterday morning at church, the choir was singing a song. I can't really tell you what song it was. I was too busy noticing how the choir was a majority of older people. And I began to wonder what their walks with God must be like. How amazing to have walked with Him for so long!! To have seen Him move in the course of their lives. I'm very grateful for being saved at a young age so that I can steadily fall more in love with Him as I get older. He doesn't change, but continues to change me on a daily basis. I wonder what He'll do in my lifetime.....