Approval Addict

Tonight was one of the best nights at the Ring for me personally. Another night that I can remember was April 10, 2005. I've been trying to get a copy of that message for forever, but that's another story. I can't even remember what Josh talked about but I remember the date. Something about identity I think...

This night was great for a few reasons. With all the craziness with my life lately, I had made it my goal to get to Feb. 12 with my sanity in tact. Not that I had anything to do with the Ring launch, that was just a day that if I could make it to there, then the rest of my life would be a breeze. The weeks before the launch were not easy for me. So in my mind when things were scary or heartbreaking, I would tell myself, if I could just make it to Feb 12, I would be ok.

It's now the week after Feb. 12 and God is still faithful. (I love that about Him.) Josh, the pastor, talked about 1 Samuel 16:7:

"But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

So man looks at me from the outside. Crazy hair, sticking my foot in my mouth, could afford to eat a sandwich more often than not, shy at some things, stubborn at most, and courageous at few. God looks at my heart. The me inside. What my heart tries to convey through my actions. What my true motives are. That I am weak and wounded without Him. That He's my reason for living. He sees everything. Sometimes I bring a grin to wrinkle His eyes, and sometimes He disciplines me with His never ending grace. (I love that about Him too.)

Josh brought up a term that I'd not heard before. That we are "approval addicted." And yeah, its exactly what it sounds like. We do things so we are cool enough, funny enough, pretty enough, or holy enough to please other people. There's only one problem with that. If we're trying to serve man, then we aren't serving God. Isn't there something in the Bible about no man being able to serve two masters? I added the whole two masters bit because it made me think of it when Josh said that. I'm no preacher, I leave that to the professionals. ;)

I was just soaking it up. It wasn't full on, blood, sweat and tears conviction, it was more of an encouraging, gentle conviction. Like cheering me on conviction. Which I don't know if that still makes it conviction. Oh well. You see, I hear this whisper in my heart that I'm to love and I'm so afraid of it. I've convinced myself that if I only do the bare minimum, hopefully God won't see that I'm really being disobedient. Like if I do the minimum He's asking for, it'll be enough to keep me "out of trouble." He's asking me to tear down the front I've put up in the past few weeks. Oh, there have been plenty of fronts I've torn down lately, but this one I'm particularly fond of. This one will leave me wide open. It's not that I'm terrified of the repercussions of tearing down this wall. Its been a long time coming between this wall and I. I want to tear it down, try to give it over and take it out piece by piece, then circumstances and doubts find me rushing to take it back from God and build it up again. So I give a little bit here and there. I could so easily fall when it comes to this. Which makes it, in my head, all the more dangerous. It's the thought of what God is going to do that gets my heart a pitter-pattering. When I give myself wholly and completely, I will be free. And sometimes a known tower seems so much more satisfying than an unknown freedom.

So yet again, I give it over to God. May I have the courage to follow through with it to find my freedom. Whatever that may look like. All the while loving Him all the more for encouraging me and cheering me on tonight. What a God I serve!

Good grief look at the time! I'm on holiday today. Good thing, because it is l-a-t-e, late.