I Am Blessed!

Tonight I went with a few friends to see Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion. It made me laugh, cry, awe, and love. It's a story that has every type of drama in it. And I'm not going to tell you about it. Not the part about how it reminds women how we should be pursued or how much strength of character God has instilled in men.

But I'd definitely recommend it. Yes, the romantic in me loved the storyline about a woman who is genuinely pursued by a Godly man. A man who is the earthly representation of God's love for her. The "one" creation that He made specifically for her, just as she was made specifically for him. Or the deeper meaning in the story about how God pursues each one of us and we sometimes forget our identity with all the confusion in the world and our everyday lives.

On the way home a song came on the radio called "I am blessed." And it was just a great reminder of how God's blessed me in my life. He pursues me, He guides me, and walks through this life with me. Each and every day He allows me to see a little more of His glory. It's my hope that my life glorifies Him in return.

Less Than Zero?

I went to the mall saturday. Remind me never to do that again. It wasn't too bad, just sometimes I get in the mood to not be around humanity. Anyways, not the point of this story. I was there with a few friends of mine. One of them needed to get a suit for a work thing. So we head to a store and I try on a few dresses. I've got a work thing as well in April. It's going to be at a plantation house and I'm going to have to be visible as opposed to hanging out in the shadows where I'm the most comfortable. Dang it.

So I'm trying on dresses. One of them is a very pretty black and white floral printer halter. The neckline is appealing on my frame. The thing I don't find appealing is that it is a size zero. Come on! A freagin' zero? Grr.

I want to gain a few pounds. I was telling Katie today that I need to because of my jeans. She looked at me with a huh? look on her face. My jeans don't fit anymore so I have to wear belts. But the belt is cinched so tight the leather rubs against my hip bones. Not the most comfortable experience, let me tell you.

I don't want to get the to the point where I'm overweight, but I'd definitely like for my clothes to fit. What's the size lower than zero? Pre-teen sizes? Sheesh!

Lost

There's a show on tv called Lost. It's about a group of people who have survived a plane crash and are living on this island. Season two is on currently. Well, in my social set, Lost is big. They talk about it, they watch it before we play phase 10, like I said, it's big.

Well, I never was too impressed by Lost. I'd seen one episode at a friend's house a few months back. It is very intense. Drama everywhere. Sad drama. The kind that makes me cry. Some parts are funny, but its the kind of funny of, o crap, something bad is going to happen because something good just happened.

I've been conned into thinking that if I "just watch the first season" I'll be hooked on the show. So I'm in the process of watching season one. I gotta tell you, it's alright. And then in Disc 3 of season one, they played the God card, so now I have to watch it to see how it all ends. Not that I'll be going out and spending the dough on buying the complete season on dvd. But if I had absolutely nothing to do, no book to read, or no other way to better myself, I'd waste a few hours on it.

Who Knew?

Today I'm driving a friend of mine's Toyota Tundra. It's got something in common with my Volvo. It's so fun to drive! Who knew? It's a four door truck that has plenty of room and just like my Volvo, rides well so you don't realize how fast you are going. Which, just like my Volvo, has the potential to get me in trouble.

I'm driving it because of the ding in my bumper. It's getting looked at. While I don't mind paying to fix it, there's a limit. And it looks like $526 is my limit. So we've switched out vehicles for the day. We swapped at church last night.

I'm a truck girl. I learned how to drive with my dad's truck on his oil leases in Texas. (Yes, in some ways I'm a stereotypical Texan.) We'd just bounce around the roads, and I use that term loosely because they were mostly ruts cut through the mesquite, until I got used to the idea of driving. Before I was at the age to learn how to drive though, he'd let my sister and I "steer" the truck. As in we'd be sitting in the cab, age 8 and 9, barely able to see over the dashboard and we'd both put our little fists up like we were steering and Dad would make the truck go wherever we were steering. Ha, it was so much fun! We were fascinated and it further cemented the idea in our heads that our Dad was Superman. O yes my friend there are many ways to have fun on an oil lease. I didn't learn how to drive a stick on the lease though, that was a few years later on a backhoe during a summer I worked for my father.

So in ten years when my Volvo goes, I'll consider a Toyota truck. Even though growing up I was told the only trucks to buy were Dodge or Ford. Although I don't even think Toyota was making trucks, so there you go.

His Promise is Sitting Next to Me?

God showed up this evening. He did, really. Tonight at the ring, T talked about living life abundantly. He started off talking about how when we talk about living life to the fullest, its always happy stuff. Carpe diem. Seize the day. Breathe deep. Taste every ounce of your friendships. Stop and smell the roses. Live the moments you're involved in.

But life isn't always happy. And yet God has given me the resources to live abundantly. It's Him. He is the never-ending resource for living my abundant life. That doesn't mean I'm always smiling or that life will always be a piece of pie. But God is still there with me, no matter what my days look like. Rainy days, weeks, and months go by, but that doesn't mean the sun isn't there.

Towards the end of his message, T talked about God fulfilling His promises. He said the fulfillment of His promise might be sitting next to you. Then he mentioned a quote by a guy named Larry Crabb.

"Trusting God is risky business unless you're trusting Him to fulfill His promises."

Am I trusting God to fulfill His promises in my life? Heh, it depends on what time you ask me. The romantic girl in me says absolutely without a doubt I trust Him. But then real life slams into me, or doubt whispers in my ear and the science nerd in me starts looking at the facts. And I become unsure that I'm in the center of His will. Every time I get to the point where I'm about to seriously lose it, God sits me down, tells me to breathe a bit, and trust Him. I keep asking that His desires are my desires and I have the feeling sometimes He wants to just shake me. Not in a bad way, more of a remember who you are way. I'm His. And I'm also a saint who sins. And no matter how many times I mess up or think I mess up, God still is right there. Waiting on me to let Him fulfill His best for my life.

Alright God, no more waiting. I'm Yours to do with what You will. By the way, thank You for the reminder this evening. I'm stubborn and You're patient to a fault.

Chop It Off

This morning I woke up wanting to chop all of my hair off. Not for any real purpose, I'd just had a rough week and thought changing my outward appearance would somehow lift my spirits.

Allow me to let you in on something. Women change their outward appearance as an emotional response to whatever is going on inside our heads. Or at least, that's what I do. It's a gut reaction. I can't control the outward circumstances, but I can change how I look to the world. Yeah, I'm still a control freak, but God is allowing me to give it over to Him as much as I can.

So I go to my hairdresser who's name is Bennett. He's got talent. Has the ability to cut naturally curly hair, and believe me that's a gift. I plop down in the chair, lift my chin and declare, quite regally, "Chop it off." Like I'm a queen ordering her subject. He takes one look at me and says, what happened? I then tell him of my horrendous day and concede that I could very well go with a trim as opposed to just having curls frame my face.

He says alright, how about this? I trim it, and if in two weeks you still want to cut it all off, come back. He'll give me a complimentary shearing.

I guess it really depends on how the next two weeks of my life go.

An Empty Ring Box

I didn't die yesterday. No one was physically hurt. My soulmate didn't call it quits. My family is happy and healthy. God still thinks I'm lovely. Yesterday could've been so much worse. So this is the day after. I went to my office for 9am. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like death and I certainly look it. I'm even more pale, if you can imagine, and my eyes are dull. But I have responsibilities and I'm not going to turn them aside just because I'm feeling unwell. I've got a conference call at 2:30 and some paperwork to file from my trip to Alexandria yesterday.

Well, that was the plan anyway. My boss took one look at me and said I already look like I've lost weight and to go home. So I did what every girl who gets an empty ring box for valentine's day should do. I went to the nearest pharmacy, bought some drugs, some chicken noodle soup, and a box of chocolates. And now I'm at home in my fuzzy slippers on my way to being overmedicated.

As for the car, $526 for a new bumper.

My Expiration Date

Today was miserable. I didn't throw up. I picked up my coworker and grabbed some saltines and a sprite and was nibbling on that all the way to Alexandria. The weather is crappy the whole way there. Not a ray of sunshine anywhere. But I'm not hurling, so there is a silver lining. We get there and I was supposed to network and pick up some silent auction items. Yeah, two stores out of six who said they were going to actually followed through with it. Then at a stop light I hit this guy's trailer hitch and it knocked a 1 inch tear in my front bumper. So I get out, the guys' truck is fine, my car is torn and I'm trying to be brave and not cry. He says everything is fine with his truck, no worries and we both leave. I've driven a truck with a hitch, and gotten hit by little cars like five or six times. Doesn't ever hurt the hitch, tears up the bumper. So I go and pull over into a parking lot to see the damage. Yep, there's my new car, hurt. And I just started bawling. I didn't feel well, people were backing out of what they said they were going to do with my silent auction, and now I've just torn up my new car.

The day wasn't over yet, we still had to swing by Louisiana College and Pineville High School. So we go do another aspect of our job, then I ask Shanea' if she can drive. I'm way too emotional. Plus I still feel like if I look at food, I'm going to vomit. So she drives back home. The sun has come out, but I'm still feeling bad, still broken-hearted over my car, and just plain tired. My mom calls me after I'd dropped off Shanea' at her house. I tell her everything that happened and of course start crying because I just want a little affection because of my horrible day. She asks me about my valentine's package from her that I still haven't gotten. Well, I get it in the mail today so I call her back in my driveway, saying I've just gotten the package. The card is so sweet it makes me start crying again, and inside there is a ring box. It's a little red box and I'm excited about it. I don't usually get excited over jewelry, but it was going to be something to remind me of my parents who live very far away in West Texas. So I'm thinking, I've had a horrendous day, this will just be something to make me smile and not cry because I've cried too much today.

No such luck, the ring box was empty. Somewhere between my parents house in Texas and mine in Baton Rouge, someone stole it. Oh yeah, I busted into sobs. It was just the thing to take me from bad day to worse day of my life in like three seconds flat. My mom told me to leave Louisiana. She might have a point. A wise man once said I needed to take care of myself. I told him I was trying, but I'm pretty sure I'm failing at it today.

I'm holing up in my bed as soon as I get done typing. I'm pretty sure its a bug that is going around my friends pre-k classroom. I brought lunch to her Monday because she wasn't feeling well and I'd had the day off. And three of her kids had been out with it already.

On The Road Again

Today I will be in Alexandria getting stuff for a state fundraiser my office is doing.

Meanwhile, on a much sadder note, I feel horrible. I think I'm gonna blow chunks today. You know that feeling you have of, if I just vomit I'll feel so much better? Yeah, welcome to my world.

I thought I could sleep it off, but no such luck. I woke up this morning, was saying good morning to the Man, asking Him how His day has been, and realized I still feel miserable.

I will not throw up in my new car, I will not throw up in my new car...Please God, don't let me throw up in my new car. I'm pretty sure it'll affect that new car smell. Ha ha.

My Community Group

Last night I went to community group. I think its been a while since I've talked about what a cg is so I'll refresh everybody's memory. A cg is a group of people (8-10) who grow together in their relationship with God and each other. We meet once a week, and are a branch of the Ring Community Church. I'm going to throw caution to the wind and still call it the Ring. Anywho, its a way to mature in a more intimate way with a group of people and with God. And I love my group. Really. Each one of them has my heart. And last night I was just blown away by how God has blessed me with them. I learn something every time I go. Even when I'm cranky or not in the mood to be there, God still shows up in their faces and whatever we are studying in His word for the week.

We are a big group. Last night was our smallest group we've ever had and we had 19. Usually its 23 people. So we are splitting into two groups. I know its a wonderful thing to be splitting, but I'm still a little sad. Not a lot, I know its a good thing and healthy to split into smaller groups, but I'll still be a little sad to not see some of their faces on Monday nights. God is blessing us as a group tremendously and I'm thrilled to be a part of it. It's just more change and change always takes a little getting used to on my part. I'm glad God has big shoulders because He's getting all of this unloaded onto Him from this heart o' mine.

There are times when I wonder if He gets tired of me chattering in His ear. Oh well, the older I get, the more of a talker I become. Especially when I talk about God. Hello? How can you keep quiet about the God of the Universe who just ADORES you? Who wouldn't want to talk to Him?

Louisiana Politics

It's official. I can no longer make fun of the way the state government is run here in Louisiana. I received my voter registration card in the mail a few days ago. So now I'm just as responsible as everyone else in this state as to the affairs and actions of its government.

Oh, I'll still make fun of Louisiana because I'll always be from a more educated, more wealthy state. Oh yeah, I'm from Texas. And I know I'm going to get picked on for defending my pride in my state, but I've given up everything when it comes to my statehood. My driver's license is a Louisiana one, I try and eat spicy stuff even though it burns the hair off my tongue, and I watch and mildly support LSU. Give a girl a break, I'm really trying here.

It looks like I'm here for the long haul. Much to the frustration of my family, but I'm kind of excited about being in one place for more than a few years.

Always Play Music In The Tub

The randomness of my life.

Alright, I'm a soaker. Nothing makes me more content like soaking in my bathtub. Give me a book to read, some music, blistering hot water, and I'm perfectly content. I think its because growing up in a house full of girls, the tub was the only way to be by yourself. That or sticking my nose in a book, although that still didn't get me out of my chores like I thought it would.

So last night I'm soaking in the tub. My ipod is downstairs in my car. I got this new gadget that transmits my ipod through my stereo. It's lovely. But it means I keep it in my car. And I didn't turn my stereo on because it was super late. Around 1am I think. Didn't want to wake the neighbors. Oh, how naive I am.

I've just turned off the water and am preceding to read a book about Mary Boleyn called The Other Boleyn Girl. Anne Boleyn's sister. As in Anne, Henry the 8th's wife. Anyways I'm only a few pages into my reading and I hear this noise. How do I describe it? You know when you've loaded the washer or dryer too much and it makes this thumping noise? Like the clothes are caught and its shaking the machine. I hear that. And I'm like, ha ha, I do laundry late at night too. I'm feeling like I have something in common with my next door neighbors who I rarely ever see. How adult we all are, doing laundry late at night. La dee dah. Then I hear a guy moaning and realize that it sure as heck ain't no washing machine. And that my bathroom wall is not as soundproof as I'd prefer to be. EWWWW!! So I immediately turn purple. What do I do? Get out of the tub? Heck no! I love my tub time. So I start splashing around in the water wishing I didn't have such great hearing, when I hear her AND him now. Agh, I'm so uncomfortable, so I just start flushing the toilet. Its right next to my tub so at every point when the noise was about to die down from it flushing, I'd snag that latch again. Luckily, or unluckily, depending on whom you ask, it didn't last long.

So dear friends, ALWAYS PLAY MUSIC IN THE TUB.

Approval Addict

Tonight was one of the best nights at the Ring for me personally. Another night that I can remember was April 10, 2005. I've been trying to get a copy of that message for forever, but that's another story. I can't even remember what Josh talked about but I remember the date. Something about identity I think...

This night was great for a few reasons. With all the craziness with my life lately, I had made it my goal to get to Feb. 12 with my sanity in tact. Not that I had anything to do with the Ring launch, that was just a day that if I could make it to there, then the rest of my life would be a breeze. The weeks before the launch were not easy for me. So in my mind when things were scary or heartbreaking, I would tell myself, if I could just make it to Feb 12, I would be ok.

It's now the week after Feb. 12 and God is still faithful. (I love that about Him.) Josh, the pastor, talked about 1 Samuel 16:7:

"But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

So man looks at me from the outside. Crazy hair, sticking my foot in my mouth, could afford to eat a sandwich more often than not, shy at some things, stubborn at most, and courageous at few. God looks at my heart. The me inside. What my heart tries to convey through my actions. What my true motives are. That I am weak and wounded without Him. That He's my reason for living. He sees everything. Sometimes I bring a grin to wrinkle His eyes, and sometimes He disciplines me with His never ending grace. (I love that about Him too.)

Josh brought up a term that I'd not heard before. That we are "approval addicted." And yeah, its exactly what it sounds like. We do things so we are cool enough, funny enough, pretty enough, or holy enough to please other people. There's only one problem with that. If we're trying to serve man, then we aren't serving God. Isn't there something in the Bible about no man being able to serve two masters? I added the whole two masters bit because it made me think of it when Josh said that. I'm no preacher, I leave that to the professionals. ;)

I was just soaking it up. It wasn't full on, blood, sweat and tears conviction, it was more of an encouraging, gentle conviction. Like cheering me on conviction. Which I don't know if that still makes it conviction. Oh well. You see, I hear this whisper in my heart that I'm to love and I'm so afraid of it. I've convinced myself that if I only do the bare minimum, hopefully God won't see that I'm really being disobedient. Like if I do the minimum He's asking for, it'll be enough to keep me "out of trouble." He's asking me to tear down the front I've put up in the past few weeks. Oh, there have been plenty of fronts I've torn down lately, but this one I'm particularly fond of. This one will leave me wide open. It's not that I'm terrified of the repercussions of tearing down this wall. Its been a long time coming between this wall and I. I want to tear it down, try to give it over and take it out piece by piece, then circumstances and doubts find me rushing to take it back from God and build it up again. So I give a little bit here and there. I could so easily fall when it comes to this. Which makes it, in my head, all the more dangerous. It's the thought of what God is going to do that gets my heart a pitter-pattering. When I give myself wholly and completely, I will be free. And sometimes a known tower seems so much more satisfying than an unknown freedom.

So yet again, I give it over to God. May I have the courage to follow through with it to find my freedom. Whatever that may look like. All the while loving Him all the more for encouraging me and cheering me on tonight. What a God I serve!

Good grief look at the time! I'm on holiday today. Good thing, because it is l-a-t-e, late.

Something to Talk About

I think Bonnie Raitt and I would get along. We both have crazy hair. She's got a beautiful voice, I don't. Two peas in a pod we would be. I'm blogging about Ms. Bonnie today because last night I was up WAY past my bedtime downloading some of her songs to my ipod. I'd gone to a birthday bonfire in Central last night and knew I'd have to wash my hair when I got home because of the smoke. So I left relatively early for a few reasons. One, it's in Central, which is like half an hour from where I live in Baton Rouge. (I've been informed that Central is now a city.) Two, the hair. Knew it was going to have to be washed AND dried because going to bed with wet, curly hair is quite possibly the scariest thing you could wake up to. And three, I'm old. On week nights, it's tough for me to be up late. Especially having to drive more than 10 minutes back to my house in the pitch black dark that is Central. Did I mention on the way there I almost hit this guy on a motorbike who didn't have any identifying lights? Crazy person. But I didn't, so all's well. Although I'm pretty sure it took a few years off my life cuz my heart was pounding so hard afterwards.

So here I am with a head full of wet curls, so I thought, hey, let's put some songs on my ipod. I also did some laundry. Oh yeah, spending friday nights doing laundry, that's hot. Before I could start downloading, I had to figure out the program. Which took nigh on forever. But I finally got it and went a little spastic downloading. I'm making a random girly playlist. I'm allowed to do that because I'm random and girly. Bonnie Raitt appeared a few times on the list. Last year I had karaoke at my birthday party where I stunned and amazed my friends at my inability to sing "Something to talk about." It was great fun. The not so fun part is that they've got it on video. God has blessed me with too many friends who know how to use technology.

Disclaimer: I've got the tape and not the recorder so supposedly there's no way to actually transfer it to a DVD. Brilliant!

Quiet Time Makes Me Wanna Shout!

Quiet time. Me and Him. We sit down and talk and I cherish every minute of it. And yes, there are times when I slack off and don't talk to Him. Or I'm "too busy." The older I get the more I realize that its the little things that are the most important to me. And that those quiet times with God are essential to keeping my relationship healthy with Him.

Last night I was talking to Him about life in general. My mother had called me yesterday afternoon and said a few things that could have hurt if I had let it. So I was telling Him about what she said, knowing full well He knows every word and every feeling that went flitting through my heart. But there's just something about bringing things to Him that calms my heart. He's involved in every aspect of my life and I'm not going to hold on to any of it. He's getting all of it. The good, bad and ugly.

So after talking with Him, I wanted to jump into the word and see if there were any insights here. Right before I did though, I was listing the fruits of the Spirit in my head, seeing if I was there in regards to this situation. It was very unlike me to not freak out when my mom says something that might hurt. I just sat there calmly. And I'm pretty sure it was God. I was running the conversation back in my head, seeing where and which, if any, of the fruits of the Spirit came in. By the way, Gal. 5:22 says "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Yep, a few of them showed up, which was ALL God. I have to give credit where credit is due.

After realizing that God has my heart firmly but gently in His hands, I started thanking Him because I didn't realize how involved He is in this situation. He's not just watching me live this life. He's right here with me. What an amazingly lovely thought! Then I started talking to Him about the rest of what is going on in my life. Situations with my job, my family, my friends. And I wanted to see if I was where I needed to be. At this point in my life I'm having a hard time telling the difference between conviction and affirmation. Conviction? Yeah, definitely know what that feels like. It spurs me to action. Usually involves humbling myself. But affirmation I'm not too familiar with. I've never been big on asking God to show me the yes I may or may not be feeling. However, for all of the situations in my life I've been asking for God's will, whatever that may look like. Because when it comes down to it, that's all that I want.

So I'm asking God about affirmation and if I'm supposed to be asking for it. Then I open His word randomly. Its one of my favorite habits. Just closing my eyes, opening the word and seeing what I can learn from the verse that my finger hits. Try it! There's always something I can learn from Him and what He's said ages ago that pertains to my here and now.

Back to my story, God and affirmation. Was I in the center of His will? Was I way off? Not even close? Exactly where He wanted me to be? I open the word and Col. 1:9-12 jump out at me:

9 For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10 And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11 being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully 12 giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

It really couldn't have been more aimed at me and my life if it had my name in it! God is amazing and I just wanted to shout about it. Well, as much as I can shout through a keyboard.

Does God Do Happily Ever After?

A friend of mine told me Sunday night that she spent two hours reading my blog trying to see what happens next in my story. (Which was a little intimidating.) But it is like reading the middle of a book and reading back to page one. The kicker is, I'm not the author. Yes, I stay up in the wee hours of the evening typing furiously or I slack off at work to tell you something that might make you grin. I guess the real author of this story, just like your story, would have to be God. It sounds very hallmark of me, I know, but its true when you think about it. He's the Grand Designer. Which is a very Sunday school term to call Him.

Take this blog for example. It's given me the opportunity to give you a glimpse of what my world is like. My relationship with God. The people who are near and dear to my heart. The laugh-out-loud that randomly appears every so often. My trials, my failures, victories and bottom-of-the-ninth successes. All God's doing. I had little to do with it. Except the failure things, I'm pretty sure that's where I didn't heed His guidance and took things into my own hands. And they fell apart. But, the God who pursues me and still loves me enough to let me yell at Him and pout and act like the child I am still accepts me! I love that about Him. Grace. I definitely like His grace...

I'm wondering at what point I'm at in His story and how that will continue to affect mine. I've recently come to the eerily calm idea that its ok that there are unknowns in my life. I told a friend of mine today that I feel pliable. Like silly putty. Yep, I just equated the most intimate and important relationship in my life to a ball of malleable goo. Hope God finds my sense of humor charming and delightful...

Love is in the Air

Ah, valentine's day. To be perfectly straight with you, I've not seen the big deal. Never have really. I never understood any social responsibility to "prove" my love to someone on a specific day. I'd rather jot a quick note that might bring a grin just because I can imagine the smile lighting up in their eyes before it reaches their chin. Or someone picking me flowers or doing something random because they want to surprise me, not because "everybody else is doing it." How mundane.

So I didn't cry myself to sleep tonight. Or call all my single friends and have a man-hating session. I've never been that kind of a girl. My night was filled with laughter. I went to a friends house and played phase 10. Its this card game that takes hours to play. And there is a point in the game no matter what time you are playing, that you've played so long that everything makes you giggle. It's true. It's happened every time I've played. The game isn't really that exciting, there are "phases" you have to pass to get to "phase 10" and win the game. It's the trash talk that's the best part. There were six of us, three guys, three girls. And I had an absolute blast. Everyone was talkin' smack and it just got more hilarious as time went by.

For me the best part of tonight was just laughing with, and sometimes at, everybody. I have some very funny friends and they make me laugh constantly. Although every once in a while a not-too-lady-like word would pop into my head when things got tense, and one time, one small word slipped out and everyone busted into laughter. I think from the shock of me saying it along with the expression on my face that I'd just let that slip. Oops. And probably the fact that I turned a very interesting shade of purple after said remark.

The Day After

Today was a rough day. I knew I was going to hurt someone. Last night was wonderful and I woke up this morning realizing that I was going to need to stay away from the general human population. Why was I in a mood this morning? I'd just spent the last night with my Father praising Him and having His joy pour over me and spill out of my every smile. And then I woke up with the responsibility of my job and getting back to the "real world." Everything seriously pales in comparison to being with Him. And I got a taste of it today.

Nothing bad happened. No one died. I didn't faint. In fact, I was on the road for most of the day. I went to Lake Charles. 173.7 miles there and back from Baton Rouge. Easy peasy. Met with my college student, jumped in my car and made it back home. I hadn't gotten into a fight, car wreck, etc. I was now home and nothing too terrible can happen when I'm at home, right? Well...

3:00 rolls around, and I'm in good standing. It's been a rough day emotionally, not sure why, but it has been. And then I blow it. I was fine, everything was dandy. And then Wham! I get my feelings hurt. That's not the part I'm embarrassed about. It's my reaction that is humbling. I pout. Oh, yeah, I'm WAY past the age of pouting, and there I am, a big baby. There are a few reasons why I'm feeling frustrated. I'm not good at communicating with the friend in question. I'm not sure what happens. My heart and head are of one mind, then somewhere between my heart and my mouth, the wires get crossed and I end up sticking my foot in my mouth. So I do a lot of keeping my mouth shut because I only make myself more vulnerable when I open it. Which means I hold my heart back as well, and that really doesn't bode well with me. I'm not supposed to live like that, of that I'm sure of.

Last night I asked God to fulfill the promises He's made in my life just like He did for my church. And then I get my feelings hurt today. I'm not sure if He's answering my question or telling me I've heard Him wrong for the past six months. And that's completely possible.

I knew someone was going to be hurt today, I just didn't think it would be me. Or that I'd be the one doing the hurting.

Congratulations, It's A...Church!

Well, tonight was the night. The Ring Community Church was launched. It was breathtaking. No really. It was a worship service where at times I had to stop and catch my breath because I was singing my heart out, or all I could do was stand in awe of God's faithfulness to this ministry and His daily involvement in my life. It was in a word, overwhelming. To be a part of something really big. I have no idea how long I'll be a part of it. But I'm thankful He's allowed me this time so far. God is so surprising in the ways He dotes on me in my life. Allowing me to be a small part of this body is so gracious of Him. I sound like a girl in love. And I am, actually. I'm head over heels smitten. And I really wouldn't have it any other way. Every day He teaches me another way that He loves me. My health, my job, my church, walking through the tough stuff, smiling with me when He takes me by surprise. Speaking of smiling, don't tell anyone but I just got through dancing in worship to Him. Yes, I just came from a worship service, but sometimes my heart is still filled and I just can't wait to get by myself to talk to Him or sing to Him or just gaze into the night sky and know that He's right there with me. Sometimes I have the feeling if I just reached out, I could touch Him. Then there are times when I try and teach the angels dance moves. I'm sure the saints sitting around the throne laugh at the spectacle I make of myself. But when I'm filled with His presence, I just can't help but shake it.

Goofy Girls

So I just got off a conference call with my mom and my sister. We are planning a girl's weekend the first weekend in March. But there's a lot of runaround going on. It boils down to we all want to go to somewhere we've never been. So I connected all of us in a conference call. During the conversation, my mom starts asking me about flash drives, Leanne says we're speaking greek because she's not good with computers, my mom isn't either when I come to think of it. But they both call me when they have tech problems. It's the blind leading the blind. In the middle of this conversation, my mom says, can I help you with your wedding dress? Insert pregnant awkward silence. I'm not married, betrothed, attached, or spoken for. My sister on the other hand, totally is. In fact, she's got a year of my alma mater on her left ring finger. So Leanne says, Allison? I start laughing because the idea is ridiculous. Which then leads her to believe that there is someone in my life. And then it just snowballs from there. I began the call as a single older sister and hung up engaged.

Oh, those Miller girls, they're SO dramatic...

C is for Calcium

So I had my blood work appointment today. I'm not anemic (low iron) or hypoglycemic (low blood sugar). I just don't have enough calcium. It's just a matter of eating more. Eating more calcium rich foods and taking supplements. I'm not on any prescription medicine nor do I have to go back to my doctor for a follow-up. She also mentioned that low magnesium causes seizures so that could be why I pass out and seizure. I'm very very thankful to any of you who called, emailed, blogged and lifted me up in prayer about all this. It's not over yet, I've still got an MRI to do and my follow-up with my neurologist, but my cat scan was normal and unofficially my EEG was fine. I didn't walk gracefully through this, but I do sincerely appreciate all of you loving me through it. God has done miraculous things in my life and all of you walking with me through this is just another line item on the big list of how God's blessed me.

Thank you.

Hungry

Hungry, I come to You for I know/You satisfy I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry/And so I wait for You so I wait for You I'm falling on my knees//Offering all of me Jesus, You're all this heart is living for//Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide/I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life/And so I wait for You so I wait for You.

In all the drama that is swirling around me, I've not run away. I've not left the Ring. Don't get me wrong, I've been getting slammed lately. Heh, look at this past month's posts. Heartache and tears. Struggle, fights, confusion, worry. And throughout all of it, my King still wants me. I'm weary and broken and He still wants me!! What a thought. I know what He wants me to do. I'm to trust and wait. The life I want I already have, I just get lost in the mire. My favorite book of all time is Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan. It's a story about a guy named Christian. There's a picture in one of the books I have of Christian in the Slough of Despond. He's absolutely covered in mud, trudging through the mire, the mud pulling at his clothes and his face contorted with the effort of walking through it with his burden on his back. And then a guy named Help comes along...

Wherefore Christian was left to tumble in the Slough of Despond alone; but still he endeavored to struggle to that side of the slough that was farthest from his own house, and next to the wicket-gate; the which he did, but could not get out because of the burden that was upon his back: but I beheld in my dream, that a man came to him, whose name was Help, and asked him what he did there.

CHRISTIAN: Sir, said Christian, I was bid to go this way by a man called Evangelist, who directed me also to yonder gate, that I might escape the wrath to come. And as I was going thither, I fell in here.

HELP: But why did not you look for the steps?

CHRISTIAN: Fear followed me so hard that I fled the next way, and fell in.

HELP: Then said he, Give me thing hand: so he gave him his hand, and he drew him out, Psalm 40:2, and he set him upon sound ground, and bid him go on his way.

So I'm exhausted, I'm weary, and I'm broken. But I'm His. And though it absolutely drives me crazy to not know what is around the corner for me, I'll still trust Him and wait for Him. He's my love, and I will trust Him and wait.

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:4 NIV.

You're Only A Day Away...

Today has been blissfully wonderful. I slept in and climbed outta bed at 8:15. It was lovely. Then at 11am I went and trained someone who's going to help out with powerpoint on Sunday nights. Tomorrow I'll actually be able to be on the floor at church. I'm kinda nervously excited about it. It's been a long time since I've been able to get lost in worship and the possibility of it leaves me breathless. The rest of my day included watching an LSU basketball game. I'm not a big sports fan, but a lot of my friends are so I'm trying. And now I'm watching Annie. I've not seen it in forever, but even now I'll hear the songs in it and start tapping my foot or humming along to the sun'll come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun....

Ah, good times.

Give Up Already!

Last night I had dinner with one of my old mentors. She's in her late thirties, married, funny as all get out, and we have lots of fun when we are together. We have similar personalities which I think is one of the reasons our mentorship worked so well. We both love to laugh and be silly but we're also very grounded in our respective relationships with God.

We had dinner, of course it was Chinese. I hadn't seen her in months. She wanted to know what I'd been up to since I'd last seen her. Of course my big news was the ring community church launch. Then I told her about my ginormous cg and the girls in it who absolutely have my heart, emailing the prayer requests and cg announcements, running the words on the screen at the ring, 5:45 prayer and 30 days. And that was just the ring. Then there's my full time job that has me traveling all over the state, the state office fundraiser in April where I'm responsible for the silent auction, doing the format for the newsletter, and my new responsibilities as webmaster for the state website. Throw in a little medical mystery, and my inability to guard my heart, and I've got a very full, very confused plate. Then there's my own personal relationship with Him. He's still there, but I'm going in so many directions that I put Him and me on the backburner. Like I'll get around to repairing my faltering relationship with the Love of my Life when I've got time. I've relegated the God of the Universe to a to-do list.

She said I'd lost some of my sparkle. She said I used to be full of joy and not that it is gone, it's just not as evident as it used to be. I'd agree with that. I feel like I need to pace myself with everything I'm involved in, and I've not done too good of a job with it. So I need to give up some things. Realize that although I would love to help, I am not the only one with two hands who can help out. It's not about me. How did I get to the point where I thought it was? And why are there so many Is in this story? God forgive me for the selfishness I am so easily attracted to.

Much Too Selfish

Just venting. I do that occasionally...

I've had a bad day. Nothing really bad happened to me when I think about it. But it's just been a rough couple of weeks and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I thought that once this medical junk was over with, I'd be alright, alas, that doesn't seem to be the case. Right now I'm going through crazy emotional highs and lows at the moment. A friend of mine suggested it was because I was starting to eat right. A friend of hers went on a no-carb diet for like a year before her wedding and then started eating normally again and it was like she was a different person. I don't think I'm to the point where I'm not me, but my temper definitely sparks lately. If I don't get food every few hours, I'm the meanest person I've ever met. I can feel my fuse getting shorter. And I'm a nice girl. I'm not mean. I'm selfish, but not mean-spirited. And I get frustrated. Frustrated about the little things in my life. Like things aren't where they should be and I can't do anything about it but sit and wait. And then I wonder if waiting is what God had in mind for me all along. Do I move on? Close the door and chalk it up to my youth and lack of experience? And then I have a moment of clarity to where I think I'm right where I need to be and doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Does God ever do a big neon flashing sign? Cuz I could use one at the moment. Not one telling me where to go, just one that says He's involved in this right alongside me.

(And clearly I need to add whiny to the list as well...)