What God?! WHAT?!

Tonight church was fine. Set-up was fine. 5:45 prayer was fine. Seeing all my friends at church was fine. Josh talked about the different ways that God communicates with us, which was fine. He listed eight different ways of communication that God can use. Prayer, the Word, People, Circumstances, Suffering and Struggle, Conviction, and Visions. And you guessed it, all fine.

Well, here's whats not fine. I sat through the last two songs, bawling my eyes out. What's up with that?! I was sitting there talking to God about, well, uh, stuff in my life. Really, you could pick out pretty much anything in my life and there'd be a prayer request in there somewhere. So I'm gently crying at the start of it, just reminding God that I'm fully expecting Him to provide a job for me here. It makes me feel better when I spit in His ear about my life.

Then as I'm talking to Him, all of a sudden emotion just pours over me. It's a little bit overwhelming and I'm not sure what's going on. I can't tell you specifically what I was feeling, but it was a jumble. A strong, powerful, jumble. I'm trying to sort all of it out when Josh gets back up on stage. He's not angry, just um, fierce. I don't know if that's the right word, but its the closest one I can think of at the moment. Like he's got something really important to say and he wants all of us to hear and understand it. Soak it into the depths of your soul kind of understanding. He turns to 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. The "your body is a temple" verse. Hmm. I'm listening but I still don't get it. Josh basically has one word for all of us. Surrender. Then we sing again. I'm sobbing almost uncontrollably at this moment. Surrender? Surrender what? You've got everything! What God?! WHAT?

Church ends, and I'm emotionally raw and exhausted. I just want to run out of the sanctuary. So I basically do; the service ended and I was out like a shot. I'm still talking to God at this point. I'm still asking What? but I'm so drained I don't care anymore. I get in my car and realize that I'm on my way to an empty house. Where it will just be me and my thoughts. I'm not excited about it. Turns out, God gave me a break. My roomie and her boyfriend were there having dinner. So we just chatted for about 20 minutes. It was nice. I talked about killing a bird, he talked about his new car, and she talked about how her dad used to make owl sounds. Nothing was full of drama and needed my experience and wisdom. It was just casual conversation full of easy laughter. I know it was God who was giving me a chance to come up for air.

I still don't know what God was doing tonight. Right now it's slowly fading from my mind, but every once in a while I'll still ask God what happened tonight. I figure He'll get around to telling me in His own time.