The Four Loves

Tonight I sit and type this while listening to The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis. I'm going to write about my day in third person because its easier to type that way...

There are times when Alli is in love with the idea of being in love. Maybe during a romance movie or seeing parents play with their kids, Alli might feel the spark of hope that one day that will be her. It's not an everyday state of mind, this hope of love, it ebbs and flows.

Well, today Alli had a date. Alli hasn't been on a date since her junior year in college. So, hmm, the year 2002. Alli was asked on a date because of pure physical appearances. (On a sidenote, while Alli appreciates "Dan" finding her physical appearance appealing, she yearns to be seen as someone with a beautiful heart, not necessarily a beautiful face.) Dan had seen her a few times through job stuff and thought she was attractive enough to ask out. So Dan asks her out.

Now, Alli, doesn't know Dan. But she's not the type to reject and hurt someone just because she doesn't know him. So she agrees to go out with him. Why not? He could be just what her heart needs. Speaking of Alli's heart, its taken. Two have ownership of it. One of them is the MAN. God. Jesus. The Alpha and Omega definitely has a home there. She's His.

Alli agrees to meet Dan for lunch. He'd asked for dinner, but Alli is commitment-phobic. Dinner seems like a much bigger deal than a casual lunch. His first suggestion is sushi. Alli isn't comfortable sharing chopsticks with a perfect stranger, so his second choice is Italian. She's not opposed to Italian, but loves Chinese, Mexican, and you've jumped to head of the class if you take her to Outback. She's a Texan, which means beef-eater. Give her a slab of meat and she's a happy camper.

The plan is to meet for 2pm. She shows up at 10 till 2, thinking that he's already there and waiting for her. Nope. Five till 2, no sign. 10 minutes after 2, he's still not there. Alli is checking her watch and thinking, Ok, in college Ph.D.s get 15 minutes. That's how long he's got before she walks. At 2:13, he comes into the door. No apology for being late, just an I'm here and let's go eat.

Hmm. Ok. So they go and sit down. She slides into the booth, he slides in across, laying his Marlboros on the table along with his cell phone. She notices his smokes as well as his tattoo that completely covers his right arm. She mentions that she needs to be at church at 4pm so she's going to keep her cell phone on the table. He tells her that's fine and he has no time for God or church. At this point, Alli has decided that this is going to be interesting.

They sit down and the first question he asks her is How's school? Alli is not in school. She hasn't been in school for three years. So he's doing the math in his head, "So you were in college in ninety-" Alli cuts him off here saying she started college in 2000 and graduated in three years.

The rest of the lunch revealed his age: 36. His location: Central. His work ethic: I work all the time and have no time or interest in anything else. His temper: I get mad real quick. It's almost unbelievable how mad I'll get in such a short amount of time. His family relationships: (This is where he unloads about his dad. People just unload on Alli a lot, not too sure why that is..) His previous marriages: Two. His outlook on Texas: Hates it.

Towards the end of the lunch, they are talking about movies. He lists a few, Scarface, Godfather, etc. Alli says she hasn't seen any of those, all this "clean living" she does. Alli cracks jokes to get her point across that they are so different there's not a snowballs chance in Hades that this will ever happen again.

Turns out Dan could not be more attracted to Alli's innocence. In fact, while Alli thinks this is a valid reason for them to never hang out again, Dan appears to think the exact opposite. He very much wants Alli to come over to his place one night and "watch a movie." He says there's nothing wrong with clean living and he could teach her a lot of things.

At that comment, Alli decides she has to pee like her life depends on it. She ducks into the loo to pray for a lightning bolt to strike her dead right then and there so this will be over. No such luck. There's thunder rolling outside, but that's about it.

Alli comes back to the table and he pays and walks her to her car. He makes a wisecrack about how her job must be keeping her comfortable to afford such a nice car. He opens the door and then uses his body to block the door. Alli, meanwhile, is thinking, O God, please don't let him try to kiss her. (Alli's self-defense is passive-aggressiveness. She'll let anyone do whatever, but then she'll hate herself for it.) So she's almost resigned herself to the fact that her first kiss is going to be from a man so completely her opposite that its a miracle they've met on the same planet.

Then something surprising happens. A tiny part of her takes up for herself. Alli puts her purse and jacket in her lap. Building a wall of stuff to discourage any type of leaning in. Then she sticks her elbow out to use part of her body to discourage any type of contact.

Meanwhile, he's still talking about clean living and how she should come over to his place sometime this week. When he reaches down to shake her hand, she flinches, shakes hands, and then grabs the door, shuts it and drives away.

There's a reason why Alli doesn't date. Clearly she's not too good at it. And there's no way she's kissing anybody on the first date. She doesn't like to be touched and buying her lunch, dinner, a new house, does not give anybody the right to "watch a movie" with her.

Three girls came up to me tonight and said that they'd had the strangest urge to call me this afternoon but didn't. Next time, ladies, CALL ME. You never know what situation I've gotten myself into.

The one thing that I dislike the most about this "date" was that he didn't give one whit about my heart. I was just an object, not something to be cherished, just something to be used until the next attraction came by. I hate that I allowd him to make me feel that way.

God's got a pure love for me. He tells me daily. I honestly don't know if I'll end up a wife, it's certainly not on my to-do list under "buy milk." If its His will that I make some man the happiest man on earth, fantastic. I'd consider it an honor, hopefully having a blast while doing it. But I want my life above all else to show a life full of a love for Him. He is enough for me. In fact, He's my everything. He doesn't have to buy me dinner. I know He cares for and protects my heart. And for me, its all in the knowing.